Catholics in Detroit are angry with the Tigers and not because they aren’t a good ball club. No, they’re mad that the Tigers are holding their home opener (April 10th) during holy hours on Good Friday. Good Friday, for those of you who either aren’t Christians or are really stupid, forgetful Christians, is the day when Jesus was murdered by Godless Jews. He supposedly hung on the cross between the hours of 12pm-3pm (JST*) and Catholics, supposedly, take this time very seriously.
“It’s sort of an insult for Catholics,” said Michael Ochab, a 47-year-old Tigers fan. He said he’ll miss his first opener in 20 years this year to attend services at St. Florian Catholic Church in Hamtramck. “I’m still hoping the Tigers will change the time.”
“Damn you, Tigers! If you could just move the start time I could do my religiousy stuff early and then bail on my family to get plastered at the ballgame. That’s how Jesus would have wanted me to spend my afternoon anyway. I only have to put in my 3 hours and then I’m free to watch the game. Listen, I only go to church like three times a year. Can’t you do me a solid? Can’t you just push things back just a little bit?”
I love that he calls it an insult. The Tigers have gone out of their way to stick it to the Catholics on this one. They’ve been looking to take the Catholics down a peg and opening day was their best opportunity. They’re also going to stop serving fish on Fridays and cancel the Pope Bobblehead night they had scheduled for Easter.
Or, and I’m just throwing this out there, they’re trying to avoid the shitty weather that exists in that particular region of the country during that time of year. Hmmm…let’s see if anyone else considered this:
Tigers spokesman Ron Colangelo said Major League Baseball has a “monumental task” putting together a season’s schedule. Detroit’s climate makes a night game unrealistic this time of year, Colangelo told the Detroit Free Press.
Huzzah! I knew there was at least one rational person in Detroit. I also would have accepted: “Detroit’s a dangerous place to live, let alone host a baseball game after dark, so we’re going to only have day games until the days get longer. If we lived in Alaska, this wouldn’t be an issue.”
Who gets the last word? Another insulted fan? A nonreligious member of the community who was able to get tickets that would normally have been unavailable? Nope. Rev. Vilkauskas, take it away.
The Rev. Ed Vilkauskas of downtown Detroit’s St. Mary’s Catholic Church said the game at nearby Comerica Park will keep people from services.
“Nobody is saying baseball isn’t big, but Good Friday is really big,” Vilkauskas told The Detroit News. “It’s 2,000 years old.”
Eat that, Tigers. Bunch of noobs. You guys ain’t got shit on Jesus. Sure he hasn’t won a pennant in this millenium but he’s got better career numbers.
When reached for comment, Jesus said the Tigers would come in fourth in the AL Central behind the Royals.
*Judean Standard Time
That Jesus isn’t very smart.
Who told you about this? That was top secret.
So is your face!!!
If Jesus would have been killed earlier in the day, none of this would have been an issue. Way to go getting killed at the wrong time Savior.
Imagine what would have happened if he had hung around for a few days. Detroit would be even angrier than usual.
well god said the tigers would be contracted.
/gay for god
Wait, who’s coming in 5th? Is this another anti-Indians post? They’re getting tiresome.
fuck this anti-indians noise…
/gay for
godtiger woodslebrongrady//aw shit, that could be taken literally
We both know who’s coming in fifth, Happy.
/pats you on the back
Comerica and the surrounding area is not dangerous. Just don’t wander too far away from there.
“It’s 2,000 years old.”
Buddha’s 2500 years old.
/face
I’m just happy Easter isn’t during the Tournament this year.
You know what gets me? The stock markets are closed on Good Friday, yet every year I still have to work.
Are you rubbing it in our faces that you don’t work in fast food? Asshole.
Did I say stock market? I meant Boston Market. Those chickens aren’t going to rotisserie themselves.
Boston Market!?!? Are you mocking us that you work in the high end of fast food?!?!?!?
Kenny Rogers’ Roasters > Boston Market
/hyena’d
kenny rogers roasters was the bomb.
+1 cbh.
AWESOME. You, sir, have got both “The Balls” AND “The Funny.”
Kelly whats ups. Hef is gay but Im not. Want to bump uglys?
This post is crap and obviously written by a homosexual.