In anticipation of the coming baseball season, we will be previewing all 30 teams over the next month. To see all of our team previews, please click here.
Hi, my name is Heffy Hefflestein and I live in a National League West city. I attend about 20 games a year and I watch most of the Diamondbacks games that are on TV because I like baseball and they’re on after most of the other games are finished. In fact, over the years, I’ve come to really enjoy watching the Diamondbacks because of all the young players they’ve developed. Despite all of this, I am a loyal Red Sox fan who agrees with most of the hate-filled bile that oozes out of Spence’s mouth regarding the National League’s inferiority to the American League*. Why start a preview of the Rockies with such information? Because I’m tired of writing about the NL West and all the shittiness contained therein. This is the worst division in all of baseball and I have reviewed every single one of these piece of shit teams and I’m glad we’re done with the lot. Oh wait. I’ve just been informed that calling the NL West shitty doesn’t count as a team preview. Fine. Here’s some more interesting facts about the Colorado Rockies (/sincere).
So a lot of people gave me shit for making a list of players who I think tested positive for steroids in 2003. Well you know what, slag off. The Rockies have another asshole who I think probably shot drugs into his butt: Todd Helton. Let me get this straight, you’re the greatest country-strong hitter in the whole world until the Mitchell Report comes out and Bud Selig starts personally naming names at which point you start hitting the ball like a girl? Does that sum things up accurately? This year you will probably be worth about 1.5 wins above replacement level as a first basemen*…at Coors Field. Yes, he’s 35 but he’s had a steep drop off since his days as the scariest hitter in the NL West not named Barry Bonds.
Who else sucks? Oh yeah, Troy Tulo-sucks-ski. He sucks hard. This is the dick nuts who cut his hand on his bat after he made an out. This was the smoothest play he made last year. He’s a good defensive short stop with some pop in his bat and he’s probably the brightest thing on the Rockies because of his age and potential, provided his temper doesn’t cause him to burst into flames uncontrollably.
Oh yeah, this team also lost Matt Holliday. You might remember him as the guy who didn’t touch home plate in 2007 but the ump said he scored anyway. He was pretty good and now he’s in Oakland.
Let’s see…should I talk about their pitching? Their awful, awful pitching? Aaron Cook is their ace and I’ve always liked him. He’s no longer a top five guy in the NL West anymore but he’s still serviceable. Behind him is Ubaldo Jimenez, the most inconsistent pitcher this side of Johnny Cueto. He’s got a ton of talent and throw the ball 100 mph but he’s also going to walk a ton of guys and I’m pretty sure he’s borderline retarded.
Oh, and their closer is Manny Corpas. Point, set, and match.
So goodbye NL West. I’m glad I don’t have to review any more of your teams. Have fun being mocked by all of these assholes all year. I’ll try to defend you if you can prove you’re not worse than the AL West or the AL Central, but I don’t see that happening.
*Even though Spence is a total asshole.
**BP lists the players you’re most like…Helton is most like JT Snow. Sick burn BP.
The AL Central is better than this shitty division any day of the week, so I guess you don’t have to try to defend it.
What if, and this is very likely, no one in the AL Central wins 88 games this year?
Is there anything but?
And I’ll always remember Holliday as the guy who should have never been in that situation because Garrett Atkins got robbed of a HR in the 7th.
I don’t know if that is very likely, but the division is very competitive and top to bottom better than the crapfest that is the NL West. And if the AL Central winner has 85 wins, that will be about 5 wins better than the winner of the NL West.
here’s today’s stat of the day:
Cole Aldrich has the same amount of blocks in the last 2 games (12) as Tyler Hansbrough has all season.
do your homework…i told you the tribe are going 162-0 this season.
/hate filled bile’d
God the NL West is bad. 84 wins last year. The best team in the division hasn’t won 90 games since 2004.
/still, the AL West bangs dudes
here’s another stat of the day…hansborough is the leader in all-time points in the best conference for college basketball of the last quarter century. aldrich is a meth-addict waiting to happen.
/nobody will remember either in 3 years
I thought Houston Street was their Closer.
He and Manny are fighting over it.
What about Buckholtz?
What about him?
/bear hands
/butt plug and dildos. and “china”.
Clown I’m not understanding what you are getting at.
‘China’ is good stuff.
Are you guys talking “China” white or “China” tranny?
‘China’ Anal Lube made in the USA.
Dont make me google China anal lube
Do it.
seems pretty self-explanitory to me.
/
hef’d