In anticipation of the coming baseball season, we will be previewing all 30 teams over the next month. To see all of our team previews, please click here.
I’ve come up with a mathematical formula that scientifically mathematically explains the New York Yankees. The formula is timeless and can be applied to every season all the way back to the year the planes hit the buildings. (Too soon?)
Player(s) You Have Heard Of + $$$$ ÷ Expectations = Title x FAIL
I know it’s pretty complicated, but if you take a few classes in math you’ll understand. Now, I know you probably haven’t heard much about the new York this off season. Don’t let the lack of media coverage fool you – a lot has gone on in Yankee Land over the last few months.
While they didn’t make a big splash in the free agent market, it wasn’t for lack of trying. They only ended up signing 3 “name” players for a total of just over $400 million. Hopefully, they’ll be able to pull off a big trade to get the fans excited at some point during the season.
Also, we learned that Alex Rodriguez is very close with one of his cousins. I also think that family is important. A-Rod moved up a notch or two in my eyes. I don’t think I’m alone there.
The New Guy At The Post-Game Buffet: CC Sabathia
New Guy Who Won a World Series Elsewhere (Usually Florida): AJ Burnett
New Guy With A Big Contract Who Will Go 0-4 (in a July game and feel the sting of a New York Post headline and then forever be branded a choker by dumbass bandwagon jumping Yankee fans): Mark Teixeira
Better Win Now Asshole: Joe Girardi
Returning: Jeter, A-Rod, Red Sox hero Johnny Damon, Jorge Posada, Matsui, et al. They’re all aging, (too) well paid, overrated and ‘roided up. No one denies this.
Sleeps in Bubble Wrap: Joba Chamberlain will be in the starting rotation, but his innings will be capped because apparently he’s in Little League. I really don’t get this. The Yankees don’t have a plan for anything that extends past next Tuesday, yet they’re trying to preserve Chamberlain like they’re waiting for marriage. He’s a big strong kid and this is the part of his career where you can ride him and burn him out. Or they can get 30 5-inning starts out of him. By the time he’s 35, he’ll get his first complete game.
Outlook: They better fucking win the World Series or else there will be changes! In order to make the World Series, they’ll have to make the playoffs. And to make the playoffs they’ll need to finish in the top 2 in the AL East. That means they have to leapfrog the Sox or Rays. Will they do it? Sure, why not? If they keep CC south of 3 and 1/2 bills he should be effective. The offense should be good for a bunch more wins.
Prediction: 90+ wins and a loss in the ALCS.
Aftermath: Player(s) You Have Heard Of + $$$$ ÷ Expectations = Title x FAIL
World Series Champs for the first time since the turn of the century and all is again right with the world.
Lidle’s plane?
oops meant CRM I suck
We’re not allowed to talk about the plane’s hitting the building. The government reads this blog. You want us to get arrested?
Lidle’s Plane might have to be my fantasy team name.
Yanks win it all. World Series MVP = Brett Gardner
/Infowars’d
fetch–Expecting your team to crash and burn?
Maybe rek. I have a draft tonight in one of my leagues. I hate doing drafts this early. My team name is already set for that league though. The Ann Coulter All-Stars are taking the ship.
I need a new team name. Jefferson Slaveship isn’t cutting it anymore.
Hef it’s been like one week.
Fetch, the world moves fast. Gotta keep up.
yankees = gay
oh, and ya’ll can’t touch the Alabama Hot Pocket
so who drafted A-Rod?
Draft hasn’t happened yet Sparty.
I can’t wait to see which moron takes him 3rd overall in my other league though.
Can’t go wrong with using an old, minor league team name.