[Miami, Summer of 2001: An apartment in a Latin Neighborhood in Miami. Men are walking around shirtless and in leather shorts. ARod goes to visit his cousin.]
ARod: Hello? Cousin Yuri?
Yuri: Alejandro! Como estas? Ay, you look so handsum today.
ARod: Cousin Yuri! Oh I’ve missed you so much. These months go by so fast. I wish we could be together always.
Yuri: Ay, but we are desteened to be apart. Like in that movie with those cowboys.
ARod: 8 Seconds?
Yuri: Oh, Alejandro, you are so young and strong like ox. But your youth and vigor, it will not last forever.
ARod: What do you figure, another 20, 30 years?
Yuri: No, no, no Alejandro. You will age, like we all must age. Ay, if only I could paint you, like Dorian Gray. I would capture your youth and vigor forever.
ARod: Can you do that, Yuri?
Yuri: Ay, my answair is no. I have no skeels in the art of painting. But I do have other powers, Alejandro.
ARod: Oh, tell me, Cousin Yuri.
Yuri: I have a magic potion that will give you energy and strength like the bulls of Spain. And speed like the wild Arabian horses.
ARod: Oh Yuri, that sounds marvelous. Pour it into a glass and give it to me. I feel so much pressure to make everyone know I am the best now that I have the best contract and the best hair and the best face and lips. There’s so much pressure and I want everyone to keep calling me things like Alex the Great and saying, “In ARod we trust.” I just…want to be better than all those frumpy people who sit in the stands all day.
Yuri: Ay, papi, but you are better than them. They worship you because you are a bronzen god like man and they are such ugly little monkey trolls.
ARod: Really, I’m bronzen? I’ve been feeling orange lately.
Yuri: Orange? To the monkey troll’s untrained eye maybe. But to the eye of a lover of beauty, you are bronze like the naked male statues of ancient Greece.
ARod: I love that image.
Yuri: Yo tambien, Primo.
ARod: So go get your magic juice and let me drink it.
Yuri: Ay, but it is not that easy. I must inject it into your buttocks where it can know what heaven feels like.
ARod: Is that safe?
Yuri: It is more than safe. It is marvelous.
ARod: Do you want me to pull my pants down now?
Yuri: More than anything, Primo.
[ARod turns around, bends over while Yuri stares and drools.]
ARod: Uhh…are you gonna just stand there?
Yuri: Moments are lost in the admiration of perfection, Alejandro.
ARod: I guess that’s true. I once stared at myself naked for six hours. Almost missed a game.
[Yuri returns with a needle. He stands far closer than most doctors and injects the potion]
ARod: That didn’t hurt. Am I supposed to feel something?
Yuri: It is I who now feels something.
[They hear sirens approaching and stop outside. They see the lights of police cars flashing below]
ARod: What are we going to do?
Yuri: Come, I saw this in a movie once. We must dress like women and walk out of here.
[Yuri leads him to his closet]
ARod: You sure do have a lot of women’s clothes.
Yuri: This is Miami, Alejandro. Everyone dresses like a woman from time to time.
[They exit into the streets dressed like drag queens]
fin
This feels very true to the real story
I’m not sure what I liked more about this post; the racism or the offensiveness to gays. Probably the racism. Or the offensiveness to gays.
Its like you were there
Not enough rape.
Or dead guys.
/dilfer
Or dead Mexicans.
/TBL
or Bear Hands.
/Tampa Bo
Just to clarify: in your minds you heard faggy mexican accent. Not gangsta mexican accent.
/proudest day of my life
Like Hank Azaria in The Birdcage, right Hef?
Like the Assassin in Traffic, Right?
Or Clown 2 weeks ago?
I have a hearty baritone, not unlike a Hispanic James Earl Jones/Lou Rawls/Don Cornelius hybrid.
Clown like Edward James Olmos?
¡Orale carnal!
Early running for best headline of 2009.
Nug you must have missed CRM’s “How many Mexicans does it take to rape Roberto Alomar?”
Hank Azaria is brilliant in everything he does.
Along Came Polly is a great, great movie.
/Hef
If you don’t count all of the scenes, dialogue, and characters.
/for st. bear’d
/I mean for st. bare’d
Perhaps I need to stay in more. The Internets move so fast, if you don’t stop and smell the flowers once in a while, you might miss it.
BTW, the answer is two. One to hold his bat and the other to catch the can of corn.
that was pure genius…