[Baltimore Practice field. John Harbaugh and Joe Flacco stand apart from a the rest of the offensive unit. Troy Polamalu stands as the lone defender.]
Harbaugh: Alright, Joey here’s how it’s going to work. We need to start working on your ability to fool the defense. Being a quarterback requires a little trickery, you can’t get by on pure talent in the NFL.
Flacco: Oh, I know coach. I’ve got talent oozing out of my fingernails and we didn’t win the Super Bowl this year so there has to be something more than talent. I mean, I can talent the shit out of the ball but that doesn’t mean I’m the greatest QB of my generation just yet right?
Harbaugh: Let’s go over it again, you ready?
Flacco: …
Harbaugh: Okay, we’re going to run our offense with just one defender [Polamalu waves]. Troy has been kind enough to donate his time.
Flacco: Why would he want me to get better, coach?
Harbaugh: He doesn’t, kid. He likes embarrassing you. He’s doing this because he thinks you suck. Do you think he’s right?
Flacco: Well he does have two Super Bowl rings. He probably has a lot of insight on the matter.
Harbaugh: Joey, listen to me. I need you to be able to get over this hump. [Flacco giggles] I need you to show me that you are able to make improvements. The draft is in two months and we need to begin to make decisions about our future at all positions. [Grabs Flacco's arm] Do you understand what I’m telling you, Joey?
Flacco: Oh no sweat, coach. I’m ready for everything. I’m the best young QB in the league and I’ll prove it by getting better.
Harbaugh: That’s the spirit, Joey. Just don’t let Matt Ryan hear you say that.
Flacco: …
Harbaugh: OK, here’s the action. I want you to do a 3-step drop, look at your secondary receiver, then hit your primary. You got it?
Flacco: Don’t throw it to the first guy?
Harbaugh: Throw it to your primary receiver, Joey, but stare at the secondary receiver for a second to trick the defense.
Flacco: …
Harbaugh: Tell me that makes sense.
Flacco: That doesn’t seem fair coach. You see, my arm is a rocket. And it’s hardly fair enough as it is that I’m allowed to have defenders. If we throw deception into the mix, won’t we win in a landslide?
Harbaugh: That’s the idea, Joey.
[Ravens offense lines up at the line of scrimmage with Polamalu as the sole defender]
Flacco: Alright, everybody on two, on two. HUT-HUT-Hike. [narrating] Flacco, falls back. He dodges the blitz–
Harbaugh [from the sidelines]: There is no blitz, dumbass. Just do as you’re told.
Flacco: Flacco fakes a handoff. He eyes his receiver.
Harbaugh: Throw the ball!
Flacco: …
Harbaugh: Just throw the fucking ball you dipshit!
Flacco: …
[Out of nowhere, Troy Polamalu leaps two defenders and tackles Flacco.]
Harbaugh: Goddammit, Joey, what the fuck were you doing?
Flacco: I was checking down my receivers, coach. I didn’t know he was allowed to tackle me.
Harbaugh: Allowed? We’re practicing for a game. He’s allowed to do anything he goddamn wants.
Polamalu: Thanks for the workout, coach. Same time tomorrow?
Harbaugh: Shouldn’t you be on vacation or something?
Polamalu: This is vacation.
fin
what’s a brotha gotta do to get a jump?
5 bucks by the GreekTown bathroom
Am I the only one who thinks that at the NFL level, players stop calling the Coach, coach?
yes.
and this was a pleasant surprise.
@Spence, I aim to please.
i aim to kill.
I aim for the face.
I aim for the hair
I aim for the ovaries
/Hef
Dudes have ovaries?
burn!!!