A Few Facts About the Arizona Cardinals

As a loyal Cardinals fan for the past 9 days, I feel it’s my job to enlighten you, the average know-nothing football fan about the Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals.  You see, in the past 9 days I have learned more about this team than anyone in the history of evar and I have decided to do you a solid.  Please to enjoy.

10. This is the first Super Bowl berth for the Arizona Cardinals evar.  Sure they won some game back in 1947 but this is the first time the Buzzsaw has made the playoffs.  And they’re going to win it, am I right Buzzsaw nation?!?

9. The rest of the world continues to bury their head in the sand.  The early Super Bowl line has the Steelers a 7 point favorite to win the big game.  This after the Panthers were 10 point favorites at home on the East Coast with favorable playing conditions (Cards by 20) and the Eagles as four point favorites (Cards by 7).  Oh Vegas, when will you ever learn?

8. Gene Wojciechowski is retarded.  This isn’t about the Cardinals so much as it’s about an ESPN columnist being absolutely, dead wrong, but it’s still nice to rub it in someone’s face when they’re this wrong.  My favorite line: “But no team has reinvented itself better than the Eagles.”  Sorry, Gene.  You mean to say, “no team has reinvented itself better than the Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals.”  Your mistake. 

7. The Arizona Republic is referring to the 14-play, 72 yard drive that ate up almost 8 minutes off the clock in the fourth quarter as “the drive.”  That’s right, it has replaced the previous drive known as “The Drive” because it was so much better.  In your face, John Elway you fucking pussy.

6. Kurt Warner has Jesus on his side.  Yes it’s awkward and makes me feel really creepy every time I hear him talk about his imaginary friend like he’s there and no one can see him but the confidence he gets from his ridiculous belief system seems to be working.  So for the next two weeks I will try to keep my Jesus mocking to a dull minimum.

5. Larry Fitzgerald is now allowed to hit any woman he wants.  With still a whole game to play, Larry Fitzgerald already has the all time postseason record for reception yards at 419.  That’s 10 yards better than Jerry Rice and he still has another game to go (psst…the Super Bowl).  In the three games of this postseason, Fitty has gone for 101 yds, 166, and 152 for a total of 5 TDs.  Should someone ask Cris Carter if he still thinks Andre Johnson is better?

4. The Steelers won’t be able to score enough points against the Cardinals next week.  Pittsburgh was 22nd overall in YPG during the regular season and 20th in points scored and haven’t done much in the postseason to prove they’re much better at scoring.  Given the improved play of the Cardinals defense in the postseason, I don’t see them scoring enough points in the Super Bowl.

3. The Buzzsaw offense is going to destroy the Steelers next week.  Sure they’ve got a tough defense but so has every other team Arizona has played so far this year.  The Eagles were the best team in the NFC on defense in the regular season and Kurt Warner picked them apart.  Sure they might be able to slow down the Cardinals, but it won’t be enough.

2. This is not the same team you saw in the regular season.  Though I’m new to the Buzzsaw Bandwagon I did watch every single Cardinals game this season (none of them were blacked out this year–weird).  And the team you’re watching in the playoffs is not the same team that played in the regular season.  Their defense seems to know

1. The Buzzsaw would lose to the Patriots if they played today.  That’s just science.  Like the Cardinals, the Patriots were playing their best ball at the end of the season and would have had no problem destroying any of the teams in the AFC.  Yes, they would only beat the Buzzsaw by 10-30 points, but it would still be a victory.

Bonus point: If the Cardinals win the Super Bowl, I might name my next son Tom Brady Hef.  But…I will consider naming him Wes Welker Hef if Larry Fitzgerald wins Super Bowl MVP.