Spencer’s Lame Excuse why this is late: My laptop’s fan died. Like, up and died. I have no computer at home, and as much as I put up with you all, I’m not getting to work any earlier than I already do. So…deal with it.
Fraudsonville 17, Used Tampons 30: Now, I realize that’s an incredibly disturbing image, but it’s apt. I hereby lobby that the Houston Texans not only retire their all red uniforms, but burn them, scoop up the ashes, distribute the ashes into two seperate containers, take one to each pole and bury them a mile under ice. To those who love uniforms and the aesthetic of sport, those uniforms remain an all-time atrocity to the sanctity of human vision.
Anyways, there were three Texans players who impressed the hell out of me. That’s all the recap you’re going to get because I still see everything with a red tint and I hate the Jags, more importantly, Jack Del Rio and Garrard, and don’t really give a shit.
Steve Slaton was outrageously good at West Virginia, and whether it was his late season slump/sulk or the fact he was paired in a gimmicky offense with another amazing player, was an absolute bargain in the third round, being the PERFECT back for the Shanahan/Kubiak offensive system that I just fucking love. There was one play in particular where Slaton, in the middle of the offensive morass actually juked a guy. He juked a guy despite being surrounded by 300 lb. dudes on all sides, with almost no room to do anything. I was speechless, it was Barry Sanders-esque.
Andre Johnson is a top-5 NFL wide reciever. Rashean Mathis is a top flite cornerback and he was raped by Johnson. He needs a nickname, he’s too good to go without one.
Mario Williams, you sir, are a beast. You are Reggie White without the Bible-thumping, preaching, holier-than-thou bullshit. You are Bruce Smith with more speed. You’re Julius Peppers only you actually give a shit about football. Mario Williams is the best pure defensive end in the NFL, and when he’s motivated (or on national TV wearing all red) he’s unstoppable by mere mortals. Of course, Joe Thomas is not a mere mortal and has stopped Williams both times he faced him, but that’s to be expected when you can part seas and poop rubik’s cubes solved like Joe Thomas.
But enough about Joe Thomas…let’s talk about how wrong we all were about the Jags.
Yes, they’ve been killed by injuries and personnel departures, but what team hasn’t? This is simply a case of bad coaching, bad quarterbacking and no motivation, that’s it. Jack Del Rio isn’t a great coach, and I’m not just saying that because of his smarmy Road House haircut or his fucking bomber’s jacket with a fucking Jaguar on it over a shirt and tie, hell, I want to like him, if not for anything other than the can of Cope he keeps in his back pocket and the gun story from KC, but it’s just not working.
This team has no idea what X’s and O’s are. Their blocking schemes are effective as hell…if they have the road graders in there, but it’s not useful at all if there’s a single weak link in there. They have three running plays, counter left, counter right and draw, and telegraph whenever they’re throwing, abandoning the play action after two or three series. This is just dumb ass, retard, high school football played by professionals.
Then there’s Garrard…I’ve always hated him because he sucks. He got $60 million because of fucking passer rating. PASSER RATING. THROW A FUCKING PASS MORE THAN 20 FUCKING YARD YOU DUMB FUCK. If this team is down more than 10, they’re done. Done. Book it. And that’s 100% on David Garrard’s shoulders, which they better hope gets fixed because they have him for 5 more years. God forbid your small market, cash strapped, bitch owned team realizes this and signs him to a friendly deal, but no, they just give him the fucking world (relatively…I mean it’s not a Big Ben deal) and continue to complain that Dallas and Washington don’t share enough revenue.
Fuck Wayne Weaver.
You know what, fuck this…I’m cutting it off early. I hate the Jags and wish them nothing but the worst…why does Jacksonville have a team? It’s a city entirely comprised of transplants, in SEC country that has about as much charm as a fucking TGI Fridays…and THAT was a good idea for an expansion team? If you’re going that route, why not just put one in LA?
Hell, why even have the NFL in the South? Seriously. All the South cares about is college football…seriously…ask an Cajun who’d they rather watch, LSU or the Saints. Ask any Jacksonvillian who’d they rather watch, Gheytors or Jags/Bucs. The U or the Dolphins? Why does Atlanta even have pro sports? Why is there an NFL team in Charlotte when that area can’t even support an NBA team? This makes no fucking sense to me at all.
How did I go off on that tangent? I have no idea…but it’d probably be a good thing for me to shut up before I say anything stupider than I have already. Enjoy your day everyone.
Andre Johnson is a beast.
Mario Williams is a beast.
i can’t wait to see Johnson away from Houston. he has the skillz to be a top 3 receiver in this league with a decent QB.
Steve Slaton is a beast.
Houston is gonna be good. I wish they had a decent back up QB Sage Rosenfels is the worst QB ever Hes worse than Rextacy. I wish fucking Scaub would stay healthy these guys could be contenders in the next 2 years.
Del Rio looked fierce last night. You can never go wrong with leather.
why i love kubiak…his offense is efficient and productive as any in the NFL.
and sage rosenfels and probably the worst OL not in Pitt or Detroit is running it. god only knows what he’d do with a talented roster. guy’s a genius.
Del Rio was pimp.
did you call Mario Williams the best D-lineman ever?
Charlie Casserly is an awful GM! How can he possibly pick Mario Williams over Reggie Bush or Vince Young? It must have been about the cheaper contract since they are paying David Carr so much.
/2005′d
/Casserly does suck a blind squirrel occasionally finds the nut
no…reggie white is, but mario has the potential and physical skills to be the best ever if he dedicated himself like reggie did. if the dude keeps up like this for another 6-8 years, he’ll have HoF numbers.
Let’s hope he doesn’t hate the gheys, Hispanics and Asians like Reggie.
Justin Tuck would like to have a word with you
i agree with that. i jumped to conclusions a little bit.
roman, i know youre a giants honk through and through, but can you honestly say you’d take justin tuck over mario williams? don’t get me wrong, tuck is outrageous (even if he’s not a pure DE because he moves to tackle still every now and then…semantics, hooker) but mario is game plan changer on his own. there’s not too many of those.
Tuck is just a benefactor of Spagnuolo’s scheme. Wait until he’s gone, then you’ll see.
spencer..Tuck stops the run and rushes the passer..Mario is a pass rusher (an excellent one but still one dimensional)…When the Champs have two of those (Osi is a pass rusher) the defense is unstoppable…and offenses do scheme Tuck’s way now so I am fine where we are…but if Mario wanted to come to the Champs he is more than welcome
roman…the fact you said mario doesn’t stop the run discounts anything you previously said. he doesn’t stop the run because TEAMS STOPPED RUNNING AT HIM.
Jared Allen > All
jared allen sucks.
waste. of. money.
AK74 pwns all these fools. especially Jared Allen.
jared allen sucks.
waste. of. money.
Hef is a beast.
Jared Allen has been worth every penny already.
KAMPMAN!??!?!?!
get outta here.
spencer..please teams stopped running at Tuck and he still gets to the other side with two to three guys on him…my point is it is not Mario Williams and everyone else…Mario is there so is Tuck…these guys are the elite…and you are right about Peppers…if he only cared he would be better than all of them
Kirilenko is good, but Williams and Boozer are the driving forces on that team.
dude, Kampman is sick as a pass rusher. sacks since 2006:
Mario Williams: 29.5
Justin Tuck: 22.5
Jared Allen: 34.0
Aaron Kampman: 37.0
kampman is good when put alongside the right talent. when cullen jenkins and corey williams were out there, he was beastmode. but now that they’re gone, he’s getting run over, especially when trying to stop the run.
love his effort and the way he handles business, but he’s an overachiever in a poor man’s grant wistrom body.