Major League Jerk

Spencer’s Lame Excuse why this is late:  My laptop’s fan died.  Like, up and died.  I have no computer at home, and as much as I put up with you all, I’m not getting to work any earlier than I already do.  So…deal with it.

Fraudsonville 17, Used Tampons 30:  Now, I realize that’s an incredibly disturbing image, but it’s apt.  I hereby lobby that the Houston Texans not only retire their all red uniforms, but burn them, scoop up the ashes, distribute the ashes into two seperate containers, take one to each pole and bury them a mile under ice.  To those who love uniforms and the aesthetic of sport, those uniforms remain an all-time atrocity to the sanctity of human vision.

Anyways, there were three Texans players who impressed the hell out of me.  That’s all the recap you’re going to get because I still see everything with a red tint and I hate the Jags, more importantly, Jack Del Rio and Garrard, and don’t really give a shit.

Steve Slaton was outrageously good at West Virginia, and whether it was his late season slump/sulk or the fact he was paired in a gimmicky offense with another amazing player, was an absolute bargain in the third round, being the PERFECT back for the Shanahan/Kubiak offensive system that I just fucking love.  There was one play in particular where Slaton, in the middle of the offensive morass actually juked a guy.  He juked a guy despite being surrounded by 300 lb. dudes on all sides, with almost no room to do anything.  I was speechless, it was Barry Sanders-esque.

Andre Johnson is a top-5 NFL wide reciever.  Rashean Mathis is a top flite cornerback and he was raped by Johnson.  He needs a nickname, he’s too good to go without one.

Mario Williams, you sir, are a beast.  You are Reggie White without the Bible-thumping, preaching, holier-than-thou bullshit.  You are Bruce Smith with more speed.  You’re Julius Peppers only you actually give a shit about football.  Mario Williams is the best pure defensive end in the NFL, and when he’s motivated (or on national TV wearing all red) he’s unstoppable by mere mortals.  Of course, Joe Thomas is not a mere mortal and has stopped Williams both times he faced him, but that’s to be expected when you can part seas and poop rubik’s cubes solved like Joe Thomas.

But enough about Joe Thomas…let’s talk about how wrong we all were about the Jags.

Yes, they’ve been killed by injuries and personnel departures, but what team hasn’t?  This is simply a case of bad coaching, bad quarterbacking and no motivation, that’s it.  Jack Del Rio isn’t a great coach, and I’m not just saying that because of his smarmy Road House  haircut or his fucking bomber’s jacket with a fucking Jaguar on it over a shirt and tie, hell, I want to like him, if not for anything other than the can of Cope he keeps in his back pocket and the gun story from KC, but it’s just not working. 

This team has no idea what X’s and O’s are.  Their blocking schemes are effective as hell…if they have the road graders in there, but it’s not useful at all if there’s a single weak link in there.  They have three running plays, counter left, counter right and draw, and telegraph whenever they’re throwing, abandoning the play action after two or three series.  This is just dumb ass, retard, high school football played by professionals.

Then there’s Garrard…I’ve always hated him because he sucks.  He got $60 million because of fucking passer rating.  PASSER RATING.  THROW A FUCKING PASS MORE THAN 20 FUCKING YARD YOU DUMB FUCK.  If this team is down more than 10, they’re done.  Done.  Book it.  And that’s 100% on David Garrard’s shoulders, which they better hope gets fixed because they have him for 5 more years.  God forbid your small market, cash strapped, bitch owned team realizes this and signs him to a friendly deal, but no, they just give him the fucking world (relatively…I mean it’s not a Big Ben deal) and continue to complain that Dallas and Washington don’t share enough revenue.

Fuck Wayne Weaver.

You know what, fuck this…I’m cutting it off early.  I hate the Jags and wish them nothing but the worst…why does Jacksonville have a team?  It’s a city entirely comprised of transplants, in SEC country that has about as much charm as a fucking TGI Fridays…and THAT was a good idea for an expansion team?  If you’re going that route, why not just put one in LA? 

Hell, why even have the NFL in the South?  Seriously.  All the South cares about is college football…seriously…ask an Cajun who’d they rather watch, LSU or the Saints.  Ask any Jacksonvillian who’d they rather watch, Gheytors or Jags/Bucs.  The U or the Dolphins?  Why does Atlanta even have pro sports?  Why is there an NFL team in Charlotte when that area can’t even support an NBA team?  This makes no fucking sense to me at all.

How did I go off on that tangent?  I have no idea…but it’d probably be a good thing for me to shut up before I say anything stupider than I have already.  Enjoy your day everyone.