So there I was killing some time at work yesterday when I clicked over to Yahoo! to see what was happening in the world. I like Yahoo! because they usually have an interesting off-the-beaten-path story or two out front on the home page. I was excited to see that yesterday was no different.
There was a look at the BCS (Who could be number 2!? I couldn’t wait to find out!); Michael Jackson had settled a lawsuit (Civil? Criminal? The possibilities are virtually endless.); and Obama introduced his economic team. (Not that it matters, he’s just clearing cap room for LeBron in 2010.)
But that stuff didn’t really matter because Eli Mannings wife had been pranked by the Giants offensive line. I couldn’t wait to see what brand of Hell the best O-line in football had unleashed on innocent little Abby Manning. I’ll let Yahoo!’s Michael Silver tell you the hilarious story.
There are pranks designed to embarrass your teammates, like making them show up at the Super Bowl with purple-painted shoes. Then there are truly disgusting acts of intra-team treachery, such as putting a charred pig’s head in a lineman’s locker.
Oh my God. This is going to be awesome. What hilarious act could they have possibly done? Told her Eli said it was cool if they passed her around? Stuff a pair of panties in Eli’s pocket when he was coming home from a road trip? Did they get Osi to shit in a paper bag, set in on her doorstep, light it on fire, ring the doorbell and run? Did the boil her rabbit?
But a practical joke that makes a prop out of the starting quarterback’s wife?
Now that’s really cold.
Happier times
Oh, God. They violated her. Poor Abby. She’s such a pretty girl. Now… so tainted.
“When someone plays a prank on me, I take it well,” New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning said Sunday after the team’s 37-29 victory over the Arizona Cardinals at University of Phoenix Stadium, the site of his Super Bowl MVP effort last February.
Sounds like a line from a Kevin Bacon movie – “But then they made it personal.” They had their way with her like she was played in the AFC West.
“When those guys got the wife involved, she did not take it as well.”
Tried to fight it, did she? Valiant effort. I wonder if Eli will murder anyone?
As Abby Manning found out the hard way back in October, the men who make up the NFL’s most dominant blocking unit are as relentless in their pursuit of laughs as they are in pushing around defenses. For all of the time they spend protecting their quarterback on game day, the Giants’ linemen weren’t above amusing themselves by abusing his better half.
This is just getting graphic.
“It was family day at the facility, where guys have their wives and kids come out to visit, and we got ahold of Eli’s phone and sent a couple of texts,”
Oh thank God! They didn’t rape her. It was just harmless accusations of adultery. Phew!
Giants guard Rich Seubert explained. “We said, ‘Please come. It would really mean a lot to me.’ So she showed up, which was a total surprise to Eli. She had some stuff to do and didn’t really want to be there, so needless to say she wasn’t thrilled.”
What? There’s got to be more.
The Cardinals’ defenders weren’t especially thrilled to be out there against Seubert and his fellow linemen by the latter stages of Sunday’s game, which is a typical state of affairs for Giants opponents.
Huh? He just moves on? That’s his story? And there’s no transition? Nothing to denote the change of subject? Just a story about a woman driving somewhere she didn’t need to drive? Gas isn’t even expensive anymore. This is like the prank where someone in your office adjusts the height of your chair. It’s a minor inconvenience at best.
Tune in tomorrow for Michael Silver’s classic retelling of the time that Aaron Ross hid Kevin Boss’ towel and Boss had to ask one of the kids working in the locker room to grab him another one from “over there.”
Pre-post Update: FanHouse did a post on this and treated it like it wasn’t incredibly lame. Seriously, this story is so fucking lame that I feel like an L-7 weenie just for making fun of it.
I’d fuck her.
/World
Is she cross eyed?
does she have purple hair?
i’m confused, is this the yahoo homepage?
this reminds me of that time I stole my officemate’s red pen…and he never noticed.
Bite it. Make him look like an asshole.
I once said my wife’s name really fast and turned away so she didn’t know it was me..then I kept doing it until she figured it out…so funny
/Prankmaster Roman
one time I was getting ready to bang this bitch out from behind and I pretended to put a condom on when i really opened an alka seltzer package. good times.
/rexy + tampa
Miz thats just Rex…Wait I have done that before. Carry on.
Their kids are going to have fucked up faces.
And lots of money.
That can correct their fucked up faces.
Exactly.
wouldnt the alka-seltzer fizz from all the love juice?
Yes and increase the intensity of your climax.
Burn?
I hope it doesn’t it sounds like a good idea.
i bet it’d burn like hell. imaine if a little alka-seltzer granule got up in your pee hole…ugh…just painful.
and THAT’S how you kill a comment thread.
pee hole burn?
nope…hot stove talk is worse and more of a comment-thread-killer
recruiting talk tho? GOLD MINE.
exactly.
Miz: You do it on a hot stove? That would kill more than a comment thread.
PWN
que?
Miz thats No Bueno.
Yeah, thanks for calling that out. There was so much build-up to that story, I thought they told her Eli was dead or something.
By the way, check out the ALL CAPS responses on that Fanhouse post.
@mcbias: That’s priceless. I’ll copy/paste for everyone.
that is the smartest thing any one has ever said ever