Hef
NickP
Gonzo
clown
spencer096
RexKramerDangerSeeker
romanwarhelmet
stigs
ombudswoman
fetch
Cousins of Ron Mexico
From an outsider’s perspective, Ohio and Michigan aren’t that different. Both states are pretty equally depressed, have similar weather and have their fair share of nastiness, both in population and scene. So why is it that somehow I’ve found the absolute, seething disgust to everything inside that fucking bonerholstering state? We have so much in common, and both suck so bad, shouldn’t I be able to form some kind of common bond?
No. Because Michigan sucks, that’s why.
We’ll get to the University’s football program here in a second, but lets take a look at some of the other fucking awful things Michigan has produced before we move onto the stink-bears. First there’s, excuse me, I need to clear my throat, “DEEEEEE-TROIT BASKET-BALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!” Shut the fuck up, please. “CHUANCEY B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-BILLUPS!!!!!!!!!!!” “SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!” Why don’t you white trash Michiganders throw another fucking beer at a batshit crazy asshole and start a riot? Try and jack Jermaine O’Neal and realize you’re half his size? Start a fire or something, I know you all love fire.
I wish that were the only disgusting team in Michigan, but there’s more…it’s a cesspool of the worst aspects of professional and “amateur” sport, all rolled into one, like some sick hybrid of a place where the White Sox, mid-90’s Heat, Arizona Cardinals and the Charlie Weis Notre Dame teams all call home. Let me take you on a ride through hell. I’ll be taking on the part of Dante today, folks, as we descend into darkness, a darkness so cold and soulless that only the most sinister of beings reside.
In every hell, there is a beacon of light, a shining example of the glory of human progress. An untainted and preserved temple to remind the hellions trapped inside the inescapable boundary. Of course, I’m talking about the Red Wings, a truly historic franchise built on ideas of class and professionalism. Unfortunately, this is not the model for the Michigan sports organization, rather, the other four have all succumbed to temptation, rendering them the collective embodiment of pure EVIL which scourge the very earth of the sports landscape.
The Pistons are prideful imps. An entourage of marauding ogres that have neither grace nor couth, preening after particularly banal accomplishments like ending a quarter or forcing the other team to call a timeout on an inbounds pass. Watching a Pistons game is like watching the auto factory’s softball team play in Major League Baseball. And their fans are just as awful, easily intimidated despite their vociferous bravado when up by double digits. Did you root for Italy in World War II? Didn’t think so, same premise here.
Then there’s the Detroit Lions. I choose not to attack handicapped things.
Filthy. Justin Verlander’s mustache, filthy. Miguel Cabrera’s ass sweat, nasty. Jim Leyland’s tar covered lungs, gross. That’s the Detroit Tigers. The extraordinarily financially responsible, Detroit Tigers. Dontrelle Willis? Fuck it, give him an extension. I really, really hate the Tigers. I hated Tiger Stadium. I hated Cecil Fielder’s fat fucking ass. Fuck that entire organization. Congrats, you managed to be the first team to trash up their brand new stadium. Go fuck yourselves. Seriously, is it even humanly possible to root for a team with Ivan Rodriguez? And he wasn’t even the biggest asshole on the team because Gary Sheffield was there. Jesus Christ that team was just LOADED…with assholes.
And that brings us to That School Up North.
During my formative Buckeye years, where my fervor was sparked, Michigan ruined many a third Saturday in November afternoon. There was just something about it, the way Michigan players acted and the way their uniform’s disgusting shade of yellow just pierced your rods and cones that made me think violent thoughts. It just seemed…classless.
Michigan is inherently arrogant. The university itself is as good as it gets in terms of academics and is very difficult to get into, pretty much explaining the douche oozing from every pore. There’s an air of superiority and that’s the root of the problem, Michigan fans think they’re better than you so they don’t need to treat you like normal human beings, and that’s always grated on me. Yes, Michigan is a fantastic school. No, I didn’t go there, but that doesn’t mean you can talk down to me like I’m a retard. It’s a program-wide epidemic, from the iconic coach, Bo Schembechler, who ran a notoriously predictable playbook so his Michigan teams could “out execute” the opposing squad, to their fans, who constantly remind you of your school’s warts while applying layer after layer of makeup to their own. That or just being flat out delusional.
This comes from an Ohio State fan, of course. A self-aware Buckeye fan who realizes his teams’ historic shortcomings and has come to terms with it. I understand that college football is big-business, and I’ve come to accept the reality that EVERY team has something they’d rather not remember. Sure, I may be an apologist, call me what you will, but not every kid on the team is going to be a shining star. Incidents happen, especially when you’re recruiting a bunch of crazy kids. Hell, Kevin Grady one might even get a DUI where he’s 3 times the legal limit…actually, that’s not cool, not at all. That’s just not acceptable.
Rich Rodriguez is their coach, however, and with him came his history of getting players of questionable backgrounds for his entire career, something that can’t be ignored just because he’s now the Michigan coach. And as much as I love to see Michigan fans squirm and proclaim their true “fanhood” by rooting for a 3-8 team and all the gay shit they’re currently doing, it pains me. OK, so I’ve enjoyed the fuck out it, but regardless, it’s just different. I ENJOY hating Michigan. I like being distracted for an entire week thinking about the Michigan game and hanging on every snap during the games leading up to it, praying the Bucks stay undefeated heading into that weekend. I love sitting on the edge of my seat for three hours, flipping my shit after every little thing that happens, it’s great. And to see Michigan in ruin is kind of a buzzkill.
This Saturday, Ohio State and Michigan meet to square off in the better of the two states. It’s not just a game, it’s more than that. It’s a battle of good versus evil. Think about that for a second…Jim Tressel, by every account, is as honorable and straight-forward a man as they come, but if you heard Michigan fans tell you, they’d say he’s pure evil. Really? The good align themselves with Rich Rodriguez? REALLY? That makes no sense to me whatsoever.
Mired in a program wide transformation that has rendered the program incohesive, Michigan comes to Columbus without their usual cavalcade of Ohio recruits coached by Michigan “Men.” They come to Columbus a team in crisis, losing the most games in their rich history all while looking completely lost on both sides, their offense so awful, they lose yards or get stopped for no gain over 1/3 of the time, but it doesn’t matter, for an enemy is an enemy.
I’m not going to predict anything here, I’ll save that for tomorrow, but when I spark the bong at kickoff, a few thoughts will be racing through my head…Desmond Howard and the Heisman pose, Ohioan Charles Woodson spurning OSU then getting in a fight with David Boston, Tim Biakabatuka, my tortured youth.
Then I remember the recent good times…the Saturday in 2002 when Ohio State beat Michigan to cap an undefeated regular season on their way to the National Championship as a bar packed beyond capacity exploded into sheer joy and everyone was running around hugging total strangers. Anthony Gonzales’ catch. Or in 2006 when the No. 1 Buckeyes beat the No. 2 Wolverines in an all-time classic. These were seminal moments in my sports lifetime, two events I hold up there with anything that I’ve ever experienced. It wasn’t just the win it was the opponent and the sheer hatred and contempt I have for that piece of shit, depressed, hypocrite filled state up north.
Fuck Michigan, I’ve been cordial far too long. Fuck them. Fuck their condescending, arrogant asses all the way to fucking Canada. I have never met one fucking person from Michigan that I didn’t want to stomp into the ground without prejudice. If, nay, WHEN I’m president, I’m giving Canada Michigan and Alaska in return for Toronto. Then I’m going to napalm the living shit out of it…actually, that’d be a waste, I’d rather just let the trashball people who live there continue to fuck it up in glorious fashion as they already have.
Fuck you fat, sweatshirt wearing hooker bitches. It must pain you to see an Ohio State chick in those Playboy at College things while your co-eds are only features in the 4H Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Fuck the fact that every single one of your teams’ blogs are identical in ridiculous fashion. Yes, mgoblog.com rocks, but you don’t have to rip off Brian’s style a million times over.
But the worst thing Michigan fans ever did was to lionize Mike Hart and Chad Henne. Jake Long was a beast and a helluva player, so I’m leaving him out…as a Buckeye fan, he scared the living shit out of me, a real throwback to when Michigan wasn’t a giant bag of dicks. But Mike Hart? Chad Henne? HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU ROOT FOR SUCH FUCKING SCUM TO THE POINT WHERE YOU CONSIDER THEM TO BE ALL-TIME GREATS FOR YOUR FUCKING SHITTY PROGRAM?!?!?!?1?!
Mike Hart might actually be THE biggest asshole in the history of mankind, an asshole so great, that it actually made him smaller. Mike Hart is a vicious enigma…his hate makes him small, and his lack of size fuels his hate. He’s like a inverted quasar, sucking all around him into his giant hole of suck, a danger to every piece of solid matter around him. Mike Hart should be deported. Mike Hart should be jailed in solitude. Then again, because he’s so shitty, it’s not like we’ll ever have to hear his name or see his face again so we got that going for us.
Michigan fans, when Ohio State is (THIS IS NOT A PREDICTION…just shit talk) fist fucking you for the 5th straight time to the tune of 300 rushing yards and 50 passing yards, think about your past. Remember the shit you spewed and the short-sighted potshots you took. Consider it payback for being so smug and arrogant. Michigan is not a shelter for all that was once right with college football, it’s a relic, a church that celebrates an unreachable ideal. Your “right way” hasn’t kept your program clean, quite the opposite, it’s made it outdated and decaying, a trumped up version of Army, Navy or Notre Dame. Michigan sucks and you suck for rooting for them.
I’ve gone on way too long, and I feel dirty. I’m done. I’ll sum this up with a simple thought; if you root for Michigan, or any of their teams, you’re a skid mark on society. It doesn’t matter if the poo is made from McDonalds or from beluga caviar and white truffles, poo is poo and that’s what you are. Take care and may God, Vishnu or whomever have mercy on your soul.
Filed under: Fuck Michigan | Tagged: Michigan sucks
Not enough hate.
Wow.
too short
/?’d
Why’d the Michigan fan paint his dick scarlett and grey?
Because its the only way they could beat the buckeyes!
Zinger
That was one of the best sports weekends of my life.
Rick, I thought you were from Michigan? Self-loathing, much?
Toledo for Rick, I thought.
likewise, nick…it was awesome.
Sweet Christ, can I get the Cliffs Notes version?
Blah, Blah, Blah.
Will Cleveland and Lebron ever win a title. Will the Indians ever win a WS. Cry me a river you cryin ass bitch. Ohio State Fans are douchebags the one people I respect are Nick and Rex because they dont act like hoes about it. This reads like a suicide note similar to SG’s MLJ writers suck post yesterday. Ohio is a shit state famous for founding the KKK and for the murder of Dimebag Darrell. This was lame.
*only people I respect are Nick and Rex
bohoo, tampa.
yes.
this had some simmons, TMQ, and spencer-eloquence all rolled into one post. well done.
Cavs Suck.
Michigan. Wisconsin’s hat since 1848.
Jesus…
T-Town Baby. Just a University of Michigan hater, raised on Lions, Tigers, Wings and Pistons.
Either way, Notre Dame still sucks.
Someone’s sucking up to sportsgal.
What a meaningless game.
Notre Dame would stomp Tennessee Miz, losing to Wyoming at home is worse than losing to Navy.
+1, Miz
Thanks Tampa.
Oh my.
SEA…no, i used to be a wings fan before the NHL fell off the grid and i stopped getting wings games on tv here.
I don’t know much about hockey, but aren’t the Wings sort of like the Yankees in that they just spend and spend and spend? And they are all gay dudes? And they suck?
continue this back and forth, please
and both would beat toledo…so michigan loses.
Only one week? I feel like I hear about this game from you every fucking day
Spencer you should have saved this for a good game. It would have been better. Its like you are displaying your hate to Jonathan Lipniki after seeing Jerry McGuire.
should i get rid of the jump to piss off hef?
NickP-except that hockey has a salary cap now, and they adjusted to that and still won the Cup.
cbh - you’re a funny d00d. there’s no doubt in my mind that ________ (fill in the blank as you wish) would stomp Tennessee this year…Notre Dame included.
@sparty: Never heard of ‘em.
michigan sucks.
Muck Fichigan
Fuck Michigan
I will be happy when I can finally get into back and forths about whether my team is better than a team, instead of getting in back and forths that they are less sucky.
Michigan has the most badass helmets in all of football.
Hahhaha, so he went on NFL network to hype the game and then doesn’t get to play.
http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/8822500/Ocho-Cinco-deactivated,-won%27t-play-vs.-Steelers
cbh…i think you mean princeton has the most badass helmets in all of football, after all, that’s who michigan stole them from.
my high school stole Yale’s fight son.
son=song.
I’ll admit, own up to the arrogance. But, we are getting our comeuppance thanks to that unctuous individual coaching our team.
Mike Hart saved us in a number of games.
Chad Henne was really good, just played hurt. When he was finally healthy for the bowl game he outplayed Tebow.
Spence, it sounds like you hate Detroit and the University of Michigan more than the state as a whole.
“From an outsider’s perspective, Ohio and Michigan aren’t that different. Both states are pretty equally depressed, have similar weather and have their fair share of nastiness, both in population and scene.”
This is the most truthful sentence ever written on this site.
Michigan Weed > Ohio Weed
tampa…that’s why the shit i smoke is from cali or canada.
ty…do you think rich rod has any hope of salvation at michigan? i wouldn’t shut the book on him yet, even though he’s a dickbag, his track record is impressive.
Why go through all of that trouble when you can get shit just as good from Michigan?
i, personally, don’t go through any more trouble.
but the stuff from southern ohio (meigs county and athens) is some of the best stuff i ever smoked. not too sure if ive ever smoked anything that i knew was from mich.
Michigan has some damn fine golf courses too, then again Ohio is right up there too if not surpassing Michigan.
Hey at least Spencer wasn’t the one who talked about golf this time…
Michigan golf courses >>> Ohio golf courses
i didn’t even mention that…
it was a michigan course that ruined this year’s PGA Championship and is the worst course in any of the major’s rotas. that’s another strike against the state.
SG…come on now.
Cedar Point > ThunderHawk
It’s fine if you don’t believe me, Spence. But this guy agrees with me.
Michigan golf courses >>>>> Ohio golf courses
ill give it up for arcadia bluffs which i hear is outrageously awesome, but outside of that? can’t do it.
michigan has nothing to match up with muirfield, firestone and canterbury other than maybe oakland hills, which is an absolute abortion of a course.
/science
Have you ever golfed anywhere outside of the detroit area? Ever been up to the U.P? Or on the west side of the state? What about the central part of the state near Grand Rapids?
/go fuck yourself, spence
you’re mean.
and you make stupid generalizations.
spencer- you are on crack regarding Oakland Hills. then there is also Warwick Hills which is nice. And the lady is right about Grand Rapids and northward. Traverse City is nice.
Pinehurst rules all. I will be there next week.
i like the word nice.
SG…of course i do. that’s my charm.
sparty…why? i have a boner for golf course design and oakland hills is about as boring as it gets. it’s too much of a test for it’s own sake and doesn’t have any hole that is truly stands out as being fantastic like whistling straits or bethpage black. it’s boring, im sorry. and if im wrong, i guess ben hogan, tiger woods, vijay and mickeltits are too.
then again, looking at course layouts and blueprints is about as close as i’ll ever get to playing there (or warwick hills for that matter) so it’s kinda moot.
cbh…pinehurst is great tho you might want to clean the grooves in your wedges, youll need em.
Tiger sucks.
No playing for me, I’m just going to drive the golf cart around the neighborhood and the course and wave obnoxiously to all the rich, old white people.
cbh…damn, that blows. what a tease.
oh, and sergio > tiger
CBH, it would be too cold to golf. do you travel for work or do you have family there?
How do you find the time for your D&D and Magic: The Gathering?
CBH-knows how to work his white it goes a long way.
clown…it’s hard, but i find time.
spencer if it is course design you seek: http://www.treetops.com/
moderation?
Again spence, you’re basing your opinion on golf courses near the Detroit area. Branch out and golf on the west side of the state. Go up to Traverse. Better yet, try golfing in the U.P. in late August/early September.
Stigs, grandfather lives there.
She’s just SG being SG.
Golf is gay.
sparty…dear lord, that looks fantastic.
ok, SG…im going to make an effort to go to michigan courses this summer. and im just making fun of oakland hills, a course i personally hate, not michigan as a whole. and really, did you expect me to say that michigan was > than ohio in anything?
sparty, is treetops in UP or Lower MI?
stigs- lower uncton.
/Bundy’d
Is UP short for Upper Pussy?
“did you expect me to say that michigan was > than ohio in anything?”
Mich higher unemployment, just barely
absolutely, because Michigan is all pussies.
/spencer
UT-OH
http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8822604?MSNHPHMA
that’s a great headline by Fox.
I didn’t even catch that headline the first time…nice one by Fox.
What headline?
in your link
Phils’ Utley, Feliz set for have surgery?
“set for have”… should say:
“set to have” or “to have surgery”
Sense it makes to me
/
Borat
Stigs you assuming Tampa doesn’t know that is racist. Shoulda put a NickP tag, or tarbaby.
I saw a headline on you tube about that Indian Guy running for president it said Jindal in 2102.
*Yahoo not you tube
Oh and i don’t remember the full quote but what LeBron said yesterday that they showed on SportsCenter sure sounds like a guy planning on leaving.
cbh…don’t open that can of worms again. yesterday was enough. i was ready to hunt roman for sport i was so pissed.
CBH, i don’t know what is racist about that.
I saw that. It was like 15 minutes in. He said “I can’t wait to expand my marketing presence in somewhere that is not Cleveland”. I was shocked.
Even Lebron hates Ohio.
Stigs it’s not racist at all, I thought we all called each other racist for no reason around here. I’ll stand down.
sigh…
cbh and stigs are racists.
You are.
Damn Turtle scored Jamie Lynn Siegler on Entourage and in real life.
CBH- Thats Old news. God I would marry not rape Jamie Lynn Siegler. She is sexy as hell. Big Ben used to hit dat azz too.
Michigan and Ohio State fans can’t do this.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/extramustard/11/20/baseball-tv-mvps/index.html
Jamie Lynn Spears > Jamie Lynn Siegler
/fetchie
how do you guys know Turtle hit that in real life? good for him.
Big Ben’s sloppy seconds aint my cup o tea
It’s all over the internet, Stigs. She admitted to it after she guest starred in a recent Entourage episode.
http://thesuperficial.com/2008/11/jamielynn_sigler_dating_turtle.php
/Link’d
You all are some moderation faggots. I can link Tossed Salad man without any problem but my goddamn Turtle/Jamie Lynn link gets held up.
Hot Clicks says Entourage has sucked this year. I couldn’t disagree more, it’s been 100 times better than last year. Although it’s lame it’s ending so soon.
last year sucked, this year sucked less.
i wsa at superficial earlier and didn’t see that. ah well.
My hotclicks link got held up as well.
I got rid of HBO because Entourage was boring this season and the rest of the shows on the network suck.
Showtime >>>>> HBO
brilliant