Instant Label Making: Part 2

Since it’s the playoffs where heroes are forged in the fires of heroism and chokers are crafted like cheap summer camp souveniers, I have decided to attach instant labels to participants of previous night’s games. Pretend I’m speaking in a New York accent.

Clutch: 

Pat Burrell: Closeout games are the toughest games to win.  That’s just science.  They’re so hard to win that when a team is up two games to nothing in a five game series, they immediately become the underdog in a scientific reversal of roles.  So when Pat Burrell steps in and belts two homers in a closeout game, well you just know he failed science.  That dude probably couldn’t even determine an object’s mass if I gave him its acceleration and the force acting upon it.  What a clutch dummy.
DeWayne Wise: The postseason is where clutch is formed and Wise has shown himself to be the clutchiest clutch in the history of recent memory.  Ignore the fact that he was awful at getting on base in the regular season, he has the most RBI in the postseason so far and is the reason the White Sox have yet to be eliminated.  I bet he can see into pitchers’ souls.
James Loney: Manny who?  Ooooohhhhh…sick burn. 

Chokers:

Everyone on the Cubs: This needs to said, the Cubs will never ever never win another World Series ever never. Unfortunately, they also have lost the “lovabale” portion of their “lovable losers” label.  Now, they’re just a bunch of angry losers like John McCain.
Jeff Suppan: The Brewers would have been better served to start their bullpen and ride them to victory.  Their bullpen in the postseason gave up a total of 2 runs over something like 150 innings.  That’s way better than their starters.  Jeff Suppan is a choking choker and should be ridden out on a rail.  (See also Sabathia, CC).
Jason Bay: After hitting home runs in his first two postseason starts, Jason Bay failed himself and the city of Boston last night when he failed to hit a game winning two-run, walk off home run last night in the bottom of the 12th with David Ortiz standing on first base.  He should be embarrassed for his poor behavior and should turn in his jersey post haste. 

Oh yeah, can’t forget to add: /sincere.