Welcome to part 1 of a 4 part series about Halloween fashion. It should be a fun and informative time. Especially if you like scantily clad nobodies. We’ll discuss the history of Halloween, social mores as they apply to today’s Halloween and some of the theory behind different costumes. At least that’s what I told Hef.

Halloween is a magical time of year. Winter is just around the corner, the air is brisk (Unless you live in a Godforsaken desert like Arizona) and everybody gets dressed up to get shitfaced. Like I said – pure magic.

As we all know, the best part about Halloween is the fact that normal girls dress like…well… sluts. There’s an entire industry of costumers that just create nothing but “sexy” costumes for girls. They just take a regular idea, remove a bunch of fabric, tighten it up and put “sexy” in front of it.

Take this lovely lady for instance.

If she was just an astronaut… meh. Nice enough costume. Probably cost a pretty penny, but she’s just going to be knocking shit over all night. And floating. What fun is that?

Now remove some fabric, tighten that shit up and bam! She’s a sexy astronaut. Fucking genius. Who cares that her costume is unrealistic. (She wouldn’t be able to breathe in space without a helmet – the air is way too thin.) She’s not going to knock anything over.

Now for our next example, we’ve got a variation of the always popular “slutty nurse” motif. This costume really hammers the point home as the name of this costume is “Dr. Anita Hardwon, Sexy Doctor Costume.” I hope you can follow that.

Her name is Dr. Anita Hardwon. Get it? See what they did there? You would think that the double entendre would get the job done. You’d be wrong. They specify that it is in fact a “sexy doctor costume.” If not, I surely would have been confused.

I might have had Dr. Hardwon mixed up with the Head Nurse. Or even Dr. Hardwon’s classmate at med school, Dr. Anita Vibrata. You know they were totally BFF’s because they had the same first name.

Finally, we have the sexy chef. Have I mentioned I love Halloween? Astronaut, nurse, chef – these are all occupations that require you to wear pants. Yet on Halloween, common sense and sanitation fly out the window.

This outfit comes with a spatula. Of course. It’s the little details that make the costume work. Without the spatula, I’d have no idea what she was. Judging by the “Boy am I Hot” stitched into her jacket and hat, I would have just figured she was self-aware.

Good stuff. Come back tomorrow for more serious discussion of female fashion. We’ll also find out what “Halloween” actually means.

*Spoiler alert* No one knows!

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