There’s Nothing to Click Here: Spencer Has Officially Gone Crazy

Hello, friends. Jim Nantz here…

Today is a special edition of TNCH, as I’m in charge, meaning you’re going to get some bold opinion shoved in your face, because that’s how I roll, lawya. I’ve always wondered what it’d be like to be President, and today, you’re all invited to drop some acid and hallucinate with me join me on my vision quest into the Oval Office where bongs will be smoked and oral sex will not count. So without further adieu…

The first thing I’m going to be doing as your Commander in Chief is making it MANDATORY for everyone to have a corned beef sandwich, on rye, with swiss and mustard at some point in the day. If you’re a vegetarian, vegan or macrobiotic, lick my sweaty nutsack because you shouldn’t be one, it’s not healthy. “NOT HEALTHY?” you ask? Damn straight. Actually, I’m going beyond that…I will be making it ILLEGAL to not eat meat. Fuck and yes. I mean, how can you eat your pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=soatk2eC2fM&hl=en&fs=1]

Ok, now onto the serious matters. Tim Finchem, PGA Commisioner, has seriously fumbled the FedEx Cup to the point that it’s looking like the thing may be sunk. Seriously, how the fuck was the FedEx Cup a good idea? This kind of shit just doesn’t work at all, especially in a sport like golf where there’s too much volatility and there’s always the possibility that a guy can not win a single tourney and still win. It’s fucking retarded and time to go.

Two, Stewart Mandel will handle the job of calming ‘mericans the fuck down. See, Stewart is not one to jump to conclusions, and like myself, is as rational and objective as it gets. He understands that OSU is NOT a worse football program than NC State or Washington and that, believe it or not, they aren’t that far behind USC in the talent race. Stewart’s College Football Mailbag is a must read, and I suggest you fuckin’ read it.

Three, there will be increased support for American music. Jazz is dying, and has been for years, and I blame the idiotic music industry completely. In lieu of honoring the greatest, most talented musicians of the country, the industry instead turns to fucktards who couldn’t even fucking play a god damned dominant chord if someone fucking showed them the fingering. Fucking idiots. Don’t you people care that your musical soul is being destroyed by these fools? SEE THROUGH THE BULLSHIT PEOPLE. Honor your country’s heritage, listen to some fucking jazz. Hell, when the Lincoln Center in Jazz Mecca, New York, is strug-le-ing, then it’s a bad situation. Do your country a favor, listen to some Miles Davis or John Coltrane tonight.

Four…this sums it up perfectly.

Five…so does this.

Six…this made me laugh hysterically for about five days. As your new leader, don’t fear, buying and using this little plant will no longer be against the law. But I have something planned on that subject for tomorrow, so I don’t want to ruin it.

Man, I have no idea how these guys do this every day. It’s hard as FUCK to find all sorts of links. Moving on…fuck, I got out of character, damnit, Hef’s gonna have my ass in a sling when he gets back from vacation.

THIS JUST IN… My thoughts? See that gun?

Yea, that one. Why don’t you just pick it up, make sure it’s full of ammo and just pull the trigger until it goes, “click?” I’d appreciate that very much so.

I’m sorry, I just can’t go on with this shit any more, people. I’m fucking ready to fucking scream my ass off. Here I am, fucking around and giving some bullshit links and all the sudden, BAM, Beanie is doubtful. What the fucking fuck is going on? Have I lost all touch with reality? Am I living in a dream world where God has just decided to strectch apart his buttcheeks and shit all over me? First, I live in fucking Cleveland, which is bad enough, but then I have to latch onto teams like the Browns, Indians and Buckeyes and then I have to endure writing for a blog and pretending I’m president while SIMULTANEOUSLY getting anally fisted? What the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously, if this the deck of cards I’ve been dealt, I’m holding a 7-2 offsuit while the rest of the fucking world has pocket rockets. FUCK THIS.

The Browns look like utter garbage, LeBron is leaving and hates the city so much, he goes out of his way to not associate with us, the Indians magnificently choked, the Buckeyes have been embarassed in two straight National Championship games…the Drive, the Fumble, Red Right 88, Jordan over Ehlo, Art Fucking Modell, Tom Glavine and Maddux, No. 13, John Cooper, Tim Couch…

I really don’t know how much longer I can take it people, my soul is dying here. I think I’m seriously losing my mind. I mean, it’s getting to the point where rooting for my favorite teams makes it hard to look at myself in the mirror, how could I be this disgusting of a human being? Have years of drug use melted my brain into tricking me into viewing a reality that is nothing like the real world? Am I in the Matrix?

You’re seriously still here? Please…just let me be, let me follow the light in peace. God, I’m sorry I wasted my life like I did. I’m sorry that every meaningful relationship I’ve had has been mired by the fact that I’m such an asshole and can’t focus on the same thing for more than 20 minutes at a time. If I have offended you in the past, I’m sorry, believe me, there were no hard feelings on my end. It was great knowing you people, but I’m afraid I can’t stick around any longer, my time is here.

*sniff*

/closes eyes for the last time