Major League Jerk

Commissioner Hefsteinberg was kind enough to email me last night at 11:00 PM American Heartland Time and ask me to take over the reigns for today’s Quality Start. Unfortunately one of my teammates was unavailable because he didn’t want to “put together Quality Start while his in-laws were making sweet love in the same room”. Whatever, man. Still, I’m nothing but a team player, even though I almost missed the message because I was so transfixed on Gov. Sarah Palin’s speech at the Republican National Convention. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t care one bit for her “ideas” or even that she was “talking” - the whole time I was thinking about rolling in the hay with that gilf. She looks like she could really go to town with someone like me. I understand that she may have had some relations with the alleged father of her grandchild - a rumor I just started, by the way - so maybe I can hit up Levi Johnston’s myspace and ask him about Sarah’s likes and dislikes. Besides moose burgers and increased funding for a safehouse for teenage mothers.

What I’m trying to say is that I didn’t pay attention baseball too much yesterday. Yes, I saw my favorite team that I won’t mention by name and I saw them make history when they were a part of baseball’s first ever replay review. I won’t reveal if they won or lost, because they may or may not be on a winning or losing streak and I’m superstitious like that. It’s also why I make my pee splash on the person in the urinal next to me - I just believe in making good luck and that’s that.

Mad shout to Yahoo! Sports for all the help on the scores:

Braves 3, Marlins 5: 11,200 faithful attendees.

White Sox 4, Indians 2: Cliff Lee wasn’t pitching - Indians lose. /insert term here that signifies concrete fact

Mets 9, Brewers 2: Disgusting “effort” by the Brew Crew. Their magic number for the Wild Card is 19.

Orioles 4, Red Sox 5: Evidently you can blame the O’s bullpen for this loss. Orioles fans were not amused.

Giants 9, Rockies 2: Barry Zito is one win closer to actually getting double digit wins this year. Damn, the Rockies were doing good for a little bit and then they go all NL West on us.

Mariners 0, Rangers 1: This game went 2 hours and 11 minutes. I would’ve been pissed if I skipped work for this slugfest. Actually, no I wouldn’t. Skipping work is sweet.

Cardinals 3, DBags 4: Both teams suck and are painful to watch. Well, at least the Cardinals have cool stirrups. I wish more of the kids would rock ‘em. My favorite commercial with Pujols.

Angels 6, Tigers 9: Too late for the Tigers - you’re dunzo.

Pirates 6, Reds 5: Big time matchup in the mid 1970’s.

Twins 4, Blue Jays 5 (11): Fetch didn’t know who to root for in this one. The ones who talk funny or the ones with the Mounted Police.

Phillies 7, Nationals 9: Anyone care? Both teams are chockful of suck.

A’s, Royals (Ppd.) This game will be made up in a doubleheader today. Um, why?

Padres 4, Dodgers 6 (bottom 8th when clown went to sleep): You think I was staying up for this shit? Final score here (maybe).

Astros 4, Cubs 0: The Cubs are doing some serious swooning. Like seriously, they haven’t won this whole month. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’. You know what I’m sayin’?