Good Evening y’all! Hef asked me to take care of Under the Lights tonight since he is traveling somewhere in the desert and will not be near his computer. He wanted me to tell you today was a great day once again but of course you could all do better. Hef is a dick like that. I should be around most of the night to banter back and forth with you unless the Mets do something I don’t approve of. Then I will have more bodies to dispose of. Well, last night Hef lamented the fact that the scheduling Gods reigned down an array of shit that it wasn’t worth his words. Tonight is not much different. With one exception. The Phillies and Marlins are in Philly tonight in a battle between the first and second place teams. Two and a half games separate them so it should be a good series. There are also a few nice pitching match ups mixed in here tonight. So let us look at tonight’s “contests” to see what we won’t be commenting about:
Phillies/Marlins – Gonzo vs the CRM/cortes combo. Should be a good game. Josh Johnson vs Jamie Moyer. Moyer is 10-0 lifetime against the Fish.
Dodgers/Cardinals - Manny will continue to be Manny (that was the 18 millionth time that was ever written) in St. Louis where he faces Albert Pujols in a battle of the best two right handed hitter of this generation (ARod is the third). The Cardinals should be a good test for LA since they are good enough to be in it but not good enough to derail a good team. Let’s see if LA has it. Chad Billingsley vs Chris Carpenter.
Tigers/White Sox – Hey, I just got to know the White Sox! Well, I also know they are back in first after not playing last night. Which was the best night they have had in a week. Let’s see if Ken Griffey can lead them to greatness. Nate Robertson vs. TBL fave Gavin Floyd
Padres/Mets – There is both opportunity and survival at stake here with the Mets three back and the Fish and Phils fighting in Philly. There are also lives on the line. Billy Wagner is on the DL so that is not good believe it or not. Chris Young vs Mike Pelfrey
Pirates/DBags – The DBags kicked the shit out of the Pirates last night. I don’t see that changing tonight. Zach Duke vs Brandon Webb
Twins/Mariners – I am pretty certain Fetch will be watching a rerun of I Love Money or something while his first place Minnesota Twins try to beat a lowly Mariner team that kicked the shit out of them last night. Scott Baker vs R.A. Dickey
Indians/Rays – The Indians did their best to help the Rays lose a game in the standings last night. Fortunately for the Rays, the rest of the division lost, so no harm no foul. The Rays are still up by three games so no reason to sweat. Yet. Edwin Jackson vs. Fausto Carmona. Aye Fausto!
Red Sox/Royals – The Red Sox lost to the Royals last night. HA! If Manny was there I am sure he would have had threve home runs and televen RBIs. Theo is a stupid face. Josh Beckett vs Brian Bannister
For the rest of you there are other games. But I have decided you need to be 5 games back or under in your division to garner my attention. Not 5 and a half. So feel free to comment but no one cares about your team.
1. I love money is gay. I’d watch The Hills or something.
2. My favorite pitcher is going so I think I’ll watch
3. They didn’t get the shit kicked out of them, Brian Bass just needs to be off the roster and Gardy needs to be fired.
Cubs won.
joba to see dr james andrews. fuck me.
(If this doesn’t work, feel free to delete.)
Mar Louise Parker had a sex scene on Weeds. I think it’s worth the minute and twenty seconds.
NSFW
Hey! I’m a genius!
Go Fish/Guck Fonzo
Those are some mighty fine real boobs on Mary Louise Parker. Nice work CRM!!
Man, my balls are shaved, my pubes are trimmed, I’m ready to fuckin’ rock this shit!
Did you all hear? The Cubs Won!
sorry, i thought this was the TMI blog
ill i don’t think anyone cares. at all.
What’s with all the blood in the pillows in the MLP sex clip?
Really fetch? I thought everyone cared about the Cubs? The history, the tradition, the prestige… How can you not be rooting for them to win the WS?
harden got knocked around kinda, so thats a good thing.
Stigs – Parra did nothing good for white america last night. I mean at least act tough even if your not.
Ill, Corey Hart just had a 2 run triple in the first to make it 2-0. Brewers hit 2 balls over Cat Stevens’ head in CF.
Stigs – I expect big things from here on out.
ill, lmao. he did look like a little bitch. Lebetard had a hilarious take on it. my buddy and i were watching the game last week and thinking if there is anyone i’d rather fight less than fielder. Parra is 6′3″, 210 and he looked like he had shit himself.
we thought maybe Mourneau could take him but then we remembered he’s Canadian thus he’s a pussy bitch.
with a name like manny parra how is he white?
Minute and twenty seconds, SuperLover? I only made it through 58 seconds…
he’s white. he’s from California.
I’m just saying that I would rather get my ass beat on TV then look scared as hell in a non-threatening situation. And you’re right. I think it’s illegal in Canada to be tough.
morneau would beat the fuck out of prince.
If they don’t have to be good at baseball for consideration, I would think that Farnsworth can be pretty bad ass.
Fetch, what did we tell you about being a homer?
hawkeye, no homerism, just fact. prince would need to stop and take a rest after he raised his arms to punch someone.
agreed. i don’t think you take a punch at him and hurt him or yourself. but at least look like you’re trying to shove him back. it was funny though that 6 guys went to hold prince back and none went to hold parra back. i think Parra is pretty laid back and they knew he wasn’t going to do anything.
fetch, i hate to break this to you but Morneau would lose. Prince is from the streets where they don’t fight using traditional methods that could ware someone out.
ware someone out? is that like fighting in a warehouse?
/sportsgal
I’m back from Tucson. Did the Cubs win? I’m dying to know if the Cubs won. It’s the only thing I’ve been thinking about all day.
id like farnsworth in farnsworth v. fielder
@ hef…
just put a scoreboard widget up already
Hef, you missed an excellent game! They came back late and everything!
Fuck? You know I would never say fuck! Fuck!
btw – did you her that brett favre is un retiring?
Aw, the assholes have jokes! Fuck off.
There is blood on the pillows because the guy she’s fucking was shot at earlier in the episode and got some glass lodged in his neck.
What season is it from? I’ve seen 1-3 but none of the new ones.
It was from this past week’s episode, actually.
Pretty good show. Had to cancel showtime though, so no mas.
that link made me feel good. thank you CRM.
I hope Silas’ courarific girlfriend has a sex scene soon.
Showtime >>>>>>>>>>> HBO. I’m getting rid of HBO after Hard Knocks. Quit being a cheap ass, ill.
nug – Who?
I dropped HBO the next day after the Sopranos finale.
Julie Bowen
surprised we haven’t seen, TATIS!
@sparty – You should have dropped it the day after the season 3 finale. What a fucking waste of time that show turned out to be.
finally back in town.. big thanks to roman and sparty for the dickhead comments on TBL today about the upcoming le batard chat lol
i totally agree CRM. I was already suckered in. fucking David Chase. Then he goes and ruins the greatest Journey song ever.
sparty – there was a great Journey song?
the outfield > journey
cortes – I got in a good dig in the PM Roundup intro – don’t forget that.
just saw it CRM.. im catching up slowly lol
Thanks sportsgal. Julie Bowen.
Anyone watching Mad Men? Don Draper is a smooth mother f-er. And January Jones is smoking hot.
cortes, i assume you took a lot of pictures on your trip? your arms have to be tired from being folded and flexed up all the time.
and mencia is a douche. yeah, i said it.
Cortes, where did you go?
hawkeye-don’t lie. everyone is a Journey fan.
lol +1 JS to rex… the pictures are on facebook..and mencia was a really nice guy, even if you dont like him comedically
cursedcleveland really is a downer.
went to yankee stadium, fenway, cooperstown, and wrigley… was in chicago sunday-tuesday morning
he did look awfully nice in that pic with you, cortes. especially how he had the common courtesy to remove his ipod ear buds.
did he at least pretend to pause the song while you were telling him how original and cutting edge you thought his material was?
*looks through CD collection*
Nope, no Journey here. Hell, I can’t even name another song of theirs.
cortes, was it the first time you went to a baseball stadium?
lol…dude i explained this in the comments for that section…. so i will just copy paste for you..
he was listening to some reggaton. really nice dude, took out the headphones to talk for a few mins then put them back on right at the end…
sparty, suck a cock… and yankee stadium feels like open ass.. what a god awful city
smells*…although feels isn’t too far fetched lol
i read that on your facebook already. i’m just an ass who chose to ignore it so as to facilitate ripping on you.
Just walked in to see all the stupid. CRM, the final four episodes of the Sopranos (nee, the final season) were brilliant. Good day, sir.
cortes-lol. just saying. I never felt like I was at the “ballpark” when i went to Marlins games. that’s all.
see, I am a Jersey guy, i do not take too much offense to NYC being ripped on. However when Roman sees that., may God Himself have mercy on your soul. Though to judge NYC by the Bronx is not very fair. That would be like someone going to the Orange Bowl and saying that Miami is a trashy city.
And Cortes, Mencia is an ass. You should have been flipping him off behind his back.
lol we’ll see what roman has to say…but everything from the stadium, to the airport, to the 40 minute wait for a taxi, to the taxi driver looking and sounding like sid rosenberg… lets just say wrigley > fenway > dolphins stadium > yankee stadium
yeah i said it
Cortes-Please go watch Bill Cosby, “Himself.” you should then not care for Mencia after that.
@sparty – just because it’s a poorly converted football stadium, you say it doesn’t feel like a ballbark.
I wonder if Oakland/Alameda Coliseum is like that too.
I am going to pretend you didn’t just say that Dolphins/Pro Player/Joe Robbie stadium is better than Yankee Stadium.
So you didn’t even go into Brooklyn or Manhattan?
fucking Jeter…how much long til all of us Yankee fans start turning on him? another DP.
alternatively, cortes, please go watch carrot top, “beyond the orange”. you should not care for mencia after that.
Cortes, you were in Chicago this past Sunday? Or the week before? Sorry I’m out of the loop. Did you go to a Cubs game?
“ballbark,” lol. i know that was a typo, but they have bark at the park quite frequently to get people to go to games down there.
oh man SG… lots to tell you lol.. yeah i was there sunday-tuesday as in the last 2-3 days.. i went to the monday game which was fucking crazy.. had to bulldoze mobs and mobs of people to get down after all the tornado winds hit the stadium… crazy stuff……
and yeah sparty just stayed in downtown for a day and a half.. but i met joe west and rapuano in the hotel; good people.. and went to juniors cheesecake… decent
cortes, you’re young and you’ll learn. yankee stadium is fucking sweet. did you see Monument Park?
that is a pretty cool trip cortes. there is one park that I have yet to get to, and that is Camden Yards.
na just times square… though i wasn’t getting much love from the assholes.. i mean people in new york, for wearing a marlins cap
trust me sparty.. you dont want me in monument park.. i would have gotten into many fights for putting a marlins cap on all the plaques and spitting on certain yankee memorabilia
that was stigs that asked you about monument park. but just knowing that you are thinking that way, i am heading to the 305 right now.
lol oops, i thought it was you….stigs, did you catch the luther campbel interview yesterday? that guy is a riot
no i didn’t. but i’ll check it out. he is funny. did you tivo his show last night? did you catch the suey awards?
Cortes, that storm scared the shit out of me. I live three blocks east of Wrigley, I knew it had to be pandemonium once the tornado sirens went off.
i did tivo it, and will watch it after the marlins game… i heard the replay of all the shows, so i did catch the sueys… hilarious stuff… i voted earlier tonight….and i heard CRM is doing a chat with stugotz.. that is a LEGIT d-list celebrity.. but in all seriousness, CRM you should go after hoch next, he is A list
it was the craziest scene ive ever seen.. im over here pushing people out of the way and all the fans are singing “hey chicago…go cubs go”.. lol
i picture cortes being very much like george costanza during the “fire” at the kids’ birthday party.
great thing about living in rural ohio, i am now enjoying the first local sweet corn of the year, picked about 4 hours ago.
OOOH sweet corn! I’m so getting some when I go back to Michigan this weekend. Thanks for reminding me, Rexy Poo!
No one trucks fresh sweet corn into Chicago, SG?
They probably do, but it’s not as good as the local fruit and veggie stand in my hometown.
I’d have to agree with that. I’m lucky enough to live next to a truck farm, and have a nice big garden at my parent’s house.
it is like Plant City strawberries in Florida. you can get them at other places. but to get them there is completely different.
So Cortes, what else did you do while you were in Chicago? Did you do any sight seeing?
i’ve been many times to chi-town, so it wasn’t much of sightseeing, more of eating ( lou manati’s, billy goat tavern (it was priceless to see the look on that guys face when we told him our hero was steve bartman), portillos) and a cubs game… but i’ve been to the major spots in the 312.. sears tower and millennium park etc
steve bartman is the best thing to happen to chicago. it kept a bunch of cubs fans from going on and on and on and on and on and on and on about going to the world series
the umpires in philly deserved to be tasered… fucking calling that a home run.. get outta here with that
Lou Malnati’s sucks, you should have gone Gino’s or Giordano’s. Which Billy Goat did you go to, the one on Ashland near the United Center? Portillo’s is fucking awesome.
lou malnati’s is amazing SG.. i’ve been to giordano’s and it doesn’t compare.. the cheese bread, and the butter crust put it over the top… im not familiar with the street names but the billy goat i went to was basically underground.. under some subway near the art museum i think..and yes portillos pwns
No, seriously, Lou Malnati’s sucks. You clearly have bad taste in deep dish pizza. But that’s ok, you’ll grow out of it some day.
so to update: the cubs won and everyone’s problems can be solved by getting older
Pretty much fetch. You’ll understand when you get older.
ok, but malnati’s and giordano’s is completely different in terms of taste right? giordano’s is “stuffed” pizza and the other one is butter crust deep dish… so its a completely different taste… i’ve tried both.. but never gino’s
No fetch, you’ll always be a douche bag with an attitude problem.
fetch, things are much better when you’re older. just not roman older. more like me older.
rex aren’t you older than roman?
Nothing is older than Roman.
Well, maybe dirt, some rocks, the Universe.
TATISSSSSSSSSSSS
/romanized
fetch, don’t talk back to adults. nobody likes a smart mouth.
you got it rexypoo. im the talented yet uppity superstar of the blog world.
Check out what all you guys will never ever bang! (TOTALLY NSFW)
i think you meant to type that as, “you got it Rexy “im the talented yet uppity superstar of the blog world” Poo.
Is it a picture of a goat? Cause Fetch already hit that and then passed it around.
sgal, i’ve absolutely banged hotter than that. and is that a boob job scar underneath her much smaller left breast?
rex- yes it would appear to be, nice catch
This girl’s so hot, you guys have no chance.
/you know who
thanks, fetch. i’m a huge fan of amy winehouse.
Put a fucking NSFHumanEyes tag on that bitch fetch.
Wow, that is impressive ugly. And now I wish I would not have clicked that. I really should know better.
cortes, nice catch by the hammer tonight.
gallardo is way hot. she’s like boy band hot.
yes indeed stigs… the fish are absolutely shitting on the phillies bullpen.. 8-2 with 3 outs to go
Did you guys hear? The Marlins won!
anyone get the new espn the magazine? olympic preview issue.
i could not possibly care any less about the olympics… sorry fetch
yes, fetch. i, too, subscribe to ESPN: Playgirl for Closeted Men
i apologize for liking my country cortes. and my adopted homeland while we’re at it.
The clubhouse apprears empty but..cortes don’t you dare sully my beautiful city when you live in Humid squaller…secondly..I hate the Yankees with my heart and soul but how did you not go to Monument Park if you were in Yankee Stadium..what the hell was the point of going there? Oh and of course I went to tonight ’s Met game..last minute…I have to things to say..Aaron Heilman should be shot and TATIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/I am not old fuckers
Heilman tried to give it away, but Tatis wouldn’t let him.
Fucking A Hef…this whole Tatis thing started as a tongue and cheek joke..ummm I believe..he really is a God like creature..I am glad I had the Jersey T made up
obviously i am a fan of the stupidest most inept franchise of all time
besides the cubs
Tatis gives me peace at night and answers all my prayers.
Fetch…any team with 2 world championships and a bunch of playoff appearances in 20 years is not inept…the Cubs are absolutely inept…May Tatis bless you all
Roman, fetch wasn’t alive for either of those championships.
I see..I forgot he is 7…oh Hef..locking Haren up was great
http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8416912/D-backs-give-Haren-4-year,-$44.75M-extension
i was alive for one of them, sir.
and roman, don’t confuse the outcome with the decision. If the Twins make the playoffs this year, it doesn’t erase the mistakes of giving Livan a job or playing Brendan Harris at SS, or what happened last night for that matter. Bill Smith needs to give me a call is all I’m sayin.
Are they still batting Gomez leadoff..he should be batting ninth
I just looked..he is batting 9th..I am the smartest guy ever
he is hitting 9th now, so that’s one good thing. he’s also been on a little hot streak since moving to the 9 hole.
unfortunately the guy who should be hitting leadoff hits 3rd cause no one has any power on that team
Roman, shhhhh….I have a post about it tomorrow. It’s brilliant.
OK Hef..I’ll be very very quiet
Fucking Cardinals gave up a 4-0 lead in the top of the ninth to the Dodgers. 4-4 bottom of the ninth. Isringhausen sucks.
I just picked that shit head up for my fantasy team
id rather have him than brian bass.
is this Chris Waters guy for Baltimore for real? i’m too lazy to look up his minor league numbers.
Sorry I missed all the fun tonight. Fuck Cortes and Cuz.
Agreed
i take back every bad thing i said about mike lamb
fuck it i quit. im gonna go kill myself now.
don’t do it, fetch!!!1!1!!1!
/too late?