Afternoon, kids. As I return from my Hef-imposed suspension for something he deemed as “lewd and lascivious posting“, I’ve been chatting with our boy, Clown, about my return. After agreeing that Heflersteinberg has a point, we segued into a convo on a whole ‘nother topic. See, Clown has come to me for sage-like wisdom on a topic that I hold near and dear to my heart: Barbecue. There is nothing better than a rack or 10 of ribs that have just gone through a 7 hour smoke [INSERT SPENCER JOKE HERE]. He asked me if I’ve seen BBQ guru Steve Raichlen’s latest PBS series (Primal Grill), which I have not. So as any supporter of Public Television would do, I hit the ol’ Piratebay to see if they had any DVD rips I could back-up on my PC in case of thermonuclear war. They did not. But what did they have? Well, I’ll tell ya… a 20 minute movie called “ Mature BBQ Orgy (amateur) “. In German.

I have yet to click on the link to fire up the ol’ mighty BitTorrent machine, but I’m tempted to. I really, really am. All I have to do is answer the following question: “What could possibly go wrong?”

The way I see it, there are a few possibilities:

1.) It’s a well-chronicled publicized fact that I love me some cougars, but the word “mature” in the title is giving me great pause. Are we talking a Salma Hayek-esque pride of cougs or ladies like our own Muriel Berman? Either way…

B.) Are the participants just a bunch of horny old freaks who get so damn riled up that they actually interact with the food they’re Q’ing up?

Threve.) 99% of all Barbecuers are dudes. Do I run the risk of downloading something one might only find on Gonzo’s computer? (When looking for an appropriate photo to accompany this one, Yahoo Image Search returned page 1 results with nothing but Asians eating at a cookout. First they stole baseball, and now my beloved BBQ? Fuck. That.)

Maybe I should lean on the PirateBay comments for this likely masterpiece of cinematic execution?

Scut Farkas weighs in with, “I love BBQ!“. Scut, even though you terrorized me every Christmas, and looked just like my cousin who thinks that I still need to receive noogies every time I see him, I gotta ask this one little question: Define “love”.

LuckyEthel was kind enough to thank the uploader because, “lost this. now regained it. thank you very much. lovin’ it.“. First, how does one “lose” their apparently prized copy of Mature BBQ Orgy (amateur)? How do you ask your spouse or roommate if they’ve seen it laying around? And I’m thinking this clears up my question on what exactly defines “mature”. The commenters name is Ethel. So help me, if it’s a scat film featuring Muriel and Ethel (Two Gals, One Cock Chicken?), I’ll never be able to make love to her the same way. It’ll be waaaay hotter…

And then there’s FordPrefect1952. He’s gotta go and pull the damn curtain back, potentially ruining my ideal fantasy scene (outside of cakefarts, of course): “Not bad… definitely staged though.”. Look, FordPrefect1952, I get it that a small percentage of porn is staged. They’re what we in the biz call, “actors”. Actors act. It’s just that simple, but to be honest, most of them are dedicated to their craft. The scenarios are almost always real (except for maybe “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”. Grooming…down there…wasn’t yet discovered in 1941), as are the ladies with their screaming, yelling, O-faces. I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve ordered a pizza and found myself being seduced by the pizza delivery gal because I “just can’t seem to find my checkbook. Is there anything else we can do to remedy this situation? [CUE BACKGROUND MUSIC]“. So, if a group of matures decide to throw an impromptu, and amateur, BBQ and get a little carried away with the Sangria, so be it. Let them have their fun. Let me have mine.

Well, as you can see, I’m caught in quite the conundrum. Do I download or no? Absofuckinglutely. I’m doing it right now. And if it’s up to my desired level of quality, I’ll be doing it in 10 minutes.

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Nothing to Click Here:

Well, there’s actually nothing to click here, unless you want to hit a list of the 110 Worst Adult Movie Titles of All-Time.

Highlights: Moulin Splooge, Topless Brain Surgeons, E Three The Extra Testicle, and of course… Hitler Sucks*.

*No he doesn’t. /Nick P.

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Clown: You now have insight into how much forethought I put into posts. Just like when Jerry and George were coming up with script ideas for their “show about nothing”… that’s a show!

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