So Hefler asked me last night if I could do Quality Start because he was busy getting all fancy with an eight ball of coke and a Tijuana hooker down at his Mexican compound. I said sure. This was before the ugliness. You see, yesterday was a little rough for your old pal Mr. Helmet. Little RamonaWarHelmet has been sick the past few days with a fever and a cold. Which means Mrs. Helmet hasn’t been getting much sleep. That also means Mr. Helmet’s sleep was interrupted numerous times so Mrs. Helmet could tell me (I will stop with the third person) that Ramona was sick and she wasn’t sleeping. After I acknowledged that I already knew this and gave her some fake sympathy and a pat on the ass, I rolled over and went back to sleepy land. So, yesterday I had to pay my penance. Mrs. Helmet went and represented the Helmet clan at a party for someone I barely know. I stayed home with my sick baby girl. It wasn’t all bad. We played. We watched the Yankee Old Timer’s ceremony. She cried. I took her temperature. She shit all over me. Happy times.
So last night as Ramona was winding down from a very tiring day of boogers and feces, I put on the Mets game and was pleasantly surprised to see young Daniel Murphy in the line up. The kid has been talked about a lot this season among Met fans and to see him make it to the bigs was a nice surprise. An even nicer surprise was Marlon Anderson and his old legs making their way to the DL. Well, Daniel got himself in the mix early with a hit in his first AB against Roy Oswalt and a run on a Damion Easley homer. He then “saved the game” with a great catch against the scoreboard wall in left at the Juice and a throw in to second to double off Hunter Pence. I am sure you saw it on Sportscenter. Well, all the good feeling was brought down in the ninth. Billy Wagner. Yes, him again. At least he left the game tied. Aaron Veilman was up to his old tricks in the tenth and Pedro Fellatio finished the job by doing just enough to lose. It was painful. Very very painful. Needless to say I lost it. I stormed off in to the night and came home with blood on my shirt and a finger in my pocket. I can’t say I remember anything more than that. My wife is scrubbing the kitchen floor right now. She is sobbing. I told her everything will be OK. Any judge in their right mind will understand. Here are some more games from last night:
Nassau County DA’s Game of the Night Astros 5 Mets 4: Seriously this is a humor website. Seriously. Hef doesn’t do coke. He does heroin. Billy Wagner deserves every bad thing that happens to him. The Mets bullpen blows asshole. Eddie Kunz can’t get here soon enough. Oh, Johan was good again. Roy Oswalt was OK. The Astros bullpen did the job for the second straight night. Fuck the Astro Bullpen.
Hef’s Game of the Night Dodgers 4 D-Bags 2: Casey Blake and MANNY RAMIREZ each contributed to the D-Bag downfall. Blake had 2 hits and an RBI. ManRam had 2 hits including a two-run homer and a curtain call. He made sure to get the curtain call in before the Dodger fans left to beat the traffic. It was the nicest thing he has ever done. Conor Jackson continued his contributions to my fantasy team by going 1-3 with a run. Hiroki Kuroda let up 1 run over 7 1/3rd for the win.
CRM’s Game of the Night Marlins 5 Rockies 3: Josh WIllingham, Jeremy Hermida and Home Run Baker were responsible for the win. Ricky Nolasco gets his 11th win with a 8 inning 3 run performance. The Rockies are doing nothing to back up my prediction that they may win the NL West. The Marlins move a half game in front of the Mets for second and remain 1.5 behind the Phillies. May both of them go fuck themselves.
Gonzo’s Game of the Night Phillies 2 Cardinals 1: I miss Gonzo. I really do. I miss his smile. I miss his smell. I miss the way he used to look at me. He doesn’t hang out at the MLJ compound as much as he used to. I guess that’s a good thing because I would probably punch him dead in his face. 2 games up indeed. Ryan Howard, Gregg Dobbs and Ryan Ludwick all hit solo homers. Hence the score.
clown’s Game of the Night Yankees 8 Angels 2: As John Sterling said yesterday during the Old Timer’s ceremony, “The sun always shines over the Yankee empire” I then kicked my television. Fortunately, it still worked. Unfortunately, the Yankees won. Mike Mussina notched his 14th win of the season and is now only ten games away from Buster Olney considering him for the Hall of Fame.
Stig’s Game of the Night Brewers 4 Braves 2: CC Sabathia continued his National League dominance (non-Cub Division) by going 8 1/3rd innings for the win. The Corpse of the Atlanta Braves started some guy named Charlie Morton. Exactly. Let’s move on.
Sportsgal’s Game of the Night Cubs 5 Pirates 1: The Cubs are still in first. They beat the Pirates. Quite the accomplishment.
Spencer’s Game of the Night Indians 5 Twins 1: Future Hall of Famer David Delluci pwned this game with 3 hits 2 runs and 2 RBIs. The uncomfortable part was later on at the MLJ compound when Spencer kept slapping Fetch in the face with his balls as Fetch was tied down. Fetch later said there was no need to tie him down. He has no problem with Balls in his face. Awkward.
Red Sox 12 A’s 2: Jason Bay hit a homer. So did a lot of other Red Sox, well just Youkilis. Twice. Dana Eveland was destroyed for 8 hits and 9 earned runs in 2 innings. Jon Lester won. He had cancer. He doesn’t anymore.
Rays 9 Tigers 3: Evan Longoria is good. Really really good. He had 3 hits 3 RBIs and a HR. Andy Sonnanstine won again. No one understand how he keeps doing it. I guess getting 9 runs of support helps. The Rays are still in first by 3 games. You may not know that if you watch ESPN.
nwilson26’s Game of the Night Royals 9 White Sox 7: After a weekend of Ken Griffey Jr. proving us wrong (NickP mostly), he left the game in the 6th inning with a leg cramp. Nick is still laughing in his room at the compound. A bunch of guys I just learned about had a lot of hits and runs. It was nice to see. The White Sox are still in first by .5 game because Fetch’s team can’t get the job done.
Other games happened last night but they had no real consequence on the divisional standings. Check them here, now I have to go and buy some large Hefty yard bags.
I am personally going to plunk Manny at his first at bat at Chase Field. As soon as he hit it, I noticed that he didn’t pose and watch it. I was thinking that maybe he had changed. But the curtain call? c’mon. I’m going to hit him in the back of the head. It’ll be brilliant.
Griffey left the game?
Da whaaaaa?
Never would have guessed it.