Getting to Know: The Los Angeles Dodgers

In an effort to diversify the coverage of the teams here at Major League Jerk, I am going to provide a regular series called “Getting to Know”. My intent is to interview a fan of a team and ask them what we need to know about that team. If you want to be the first one on your block to be interviewed by me, the Great RomanWarHelmet, please send an e-mail to majorleaguejerk@gmail.com and put Roman in the subject. Well, in my efforts to tweak Hef at every possible moment I have decided that it is important to get to know Hef’s least favorite team. Hef has covered them in a very sinister, mean spirited way and I thought if i could find one voice, one lone solitary voice, to yell in the face of the big bad Hefler It could only benefit you, the readers of Major League Jerk. Well, one brave soul has stepped forward, The Nug. That’s right The Nug from The Sometimes Daily Nug. His unbelievable hatred of Hef and all things Hef made him step right up and take on this arduous task. When I asked his thoughts on the DBags he responded, “Who? They play in the NL West? No Shit” and then we laughed and talked about how cute it was that little cities had big league teams. So let us wait no longer to get to know…The Los Angeles Dodgers.

I am always interested in how a fan becomes a fan of a team and how he follows that team and interacts with the teams fan base. So I start with asking The Nug how he became a Dodger fan. (The Nugs words are in Bold)

I’m not really sure. It just sort of happened. Becoming a Dodger fan is much like an unplanned pregnancy. Plus, I hang out with a lot of Mexicans. Seriously, if you’re Mexican and live in or near Los Angeles, being a Dodger fan is in your DNA. Minutes after birth you are given a Dodger hat, a blue piñata stick and you’re versed on proper drive-by etiquette. For me it all began in the ’80s when I started collecting baseball cards. The Dodgers always had the coolest afros. And I was strangely fascinated by Steve Garvey’s forearms. Last night Fox Sports West showed Davey Lopes, Garvey, Cey and Bill Russell posing for a photo before the Phillies game and I got goose bumps.

Wow. Steve Garvey’s forearms? You could have lied man. Fucking Lozo barely answered it. You could have followed the same route. No. No. I appreciate you honesty, purely for mocking purposes. So how do you follow the team? Do you go to games?

I only go to a few games a year. I read a lot. I still read the LA Times sports page every morning, except T.J. Simer’s column (biggest hack in the industry). Tony Jackson of the LA Daily News has a great Dodger blog. Sports talk radio is useless, especially in L.A.

A few is better than none. I go to a lot of games. I enjoy lining the Wilpons pockets as my daughter starves because you heartless bastards won’t buy t-shirts. Ummm…yeah. So how do you interact with other Dodger fans? Are there any traditions Dodger fans adhere too?

I’m not sure if I understand this question, but my girlfriend is a huge Dodger fan, so is her dad. Her initials are even LAD. True story. I’m not exactly sure how he got that one by the wife.

Traditions? You mean like arriving during the third inning and leaving after the seventh inning stretch? Remember that “Curb Your Enthusiasm” episode where Larry David picks up the hooker so he can drive to Dodger stadium in the carpool lane? That was funny because it’s probably happened before. Seriously, Dodger fans get a lot of flack for being fair weather fans. The truth is it’s almost impossible to make to a game on time at Chavez Ravine. I live about forty minutes from the stadium, but on a weekday night game I would have to leave work at 3 p.m. to make it to the game for a 7 p.m. start.

No, I don’t watch Curb Your Enthusiasm but your description of the episode was rip roaringly funny. I am still laughing. Hardee Har Har. And you don’t understand the question? You talk of Mexicans and your girlfriend. That is interacting. You see people at the office. Do they root for the Dodgers? That is interacting. Wow. Just Wow. OK. I am fine. I will go on. So, give me an overview on this year’s team.

This year has been a steady stream of mediocrity. But, it’s still a young team that’s getting better. They have been planted on or near the .500 mark for most of the season. Injuries have killed this team. You just can’t replace Rafael Furcal. With a healthy Furcal, this is a much different team. Garciaparra is always hurt; Penny just came back, which should solidify the pitching rotation. Losing Takashi Saito was huge. He has been one of the most dominant closers in all of baseball for the past few years. The inability to score runs consistently was clear until the accusation of Manny Ramirez and Casey Blake. If the Dodgers don’t win this division it will be a nothing short of a catastrophic failure. Mannymania is a big deal out here. Manny is playing unbelievable right now. He’s hitting like Barry Bonds did 2002. I haven’t seen anything like it in a long time.

I agree the whole Manny thing is working out way better than anyone expected. When he is playing somewhere else next year you will always have these two months. Well, since Manny is dominating the headlines, are there any players that are not getting enough media attention either good or bad?

Andre Ethier for sure. He has a sweet swing a lot of talent, but they have too many outfielders and his playing time suffers. Also, Chad Billingsley. He just has awesome stuff. He is second in the league in strikeouts. You just don’t hear much about him. Joe Beimel is another guy. He could be the best short relief guy in baseball.

Chad Billingsley is really good. It surprises me he doesn’t get enough attention. I mean Tim Lincecum gets an amazing amount of attention which he should but he is on a last place team. This guy plays for the Dodgers and is barely mentioned. OK, off my soapbox. What do you think of the job performances of Joe Torre and Ned Colletti?

Colletti is a train wreck. If he didn’t have such a cool mustache he might have been killed by a lunatic fan with a quick trigger finger by now. All his moves until recently have been complete shit. We are talking about a team with a lot tradition and I don’t think Colletti understood that tradition until recently. Dodger brass screwed the pooch when they let Ross Porter go, the Dodger announcer who supplemented Vin Scully. Signing Andruw Jones was just an abomination. Conversely, I give Colletti a lot of credit for not dealing the bulk of the young talent on this team. But, shit, even a broken clock is right two times a day.

Joe Torre brings a calming presence to the dugout, but his job performance has been average at best. A manager’s success is judged by wins and .500 ball just won’t get it done, especially when you have a résumé like Torre has. I think he’s settling into an everyday line-up that will be successful with Ethier, Manny and Kemp in the outfield. And Nomar is due back today (Tuesday). I’ll take Garciaparra as the number eight hitter any day of the week.

I would take Garciaparra’s wife in the two hole any day. HI YOOOOOO! Wow, I am a hack. I spent 12 years dealing with the green tea peddling nose picker that is Joe Torre. He may not be a great game strategist but he is the perfect guy to manage a team with Manny Ramirez and Jeff Kent on it. Since Joe is so great at integrating young talent (sarcasm) tell me about any minor leaguers we should know about. How does the Dodger future look?

I’m not the type of guy who scrubs the minor league scouting report every day. Clayton Kershaw was brought up earlier in the year and he was the Dodgers’ best prospect. Blake Dewitt was got a taste of big league action due to injuries, but he was sent back to the minors after they picked up Casey Blake from the Indians. Dewitt could be the Dodger’s third baseman of the future. Pitchers Scott Elbert and James McDonald are two guys to look out for.

The Dodgers are a young team for the most part. Look at the roster. Russell Martin is 25, Loney, Kemp, Jonathan Broxton, Billingsley and Matt Kemp are all 24 years old. Kershaw is just 20.

OK, they have good young talent. I am glad they added a veteran like Andruw Jones to help them along. Do you think the Dodgers have any chance for long term success with Frank McCourt as the team’s owner?

Absolutely. Like I just said the Dodgers are loaded with young talent and you would really have to screw things up in order to not be successful. Believe me it could be much worse. I still haven’t forgotten the Fox years.

Well if that’s the case, why does Jeff Kent have so much clout in the organization? Do you think he is plowing McCourt’s wife?

I didn’t like Kent when they first acquired him because he was a Giant, but I gave him a free pass because we went to the same high school. He lives in Texas now. Texas leads the nation in assholes, so I’m not surprised.

Well, that was a very political non-specific answer. May you and Jeff have fun washing his truck. Maybe Tommy Lasorda can bring some pasta. Speaking of Tommy, how do Dodger fans feel about him? Fat funny old manager or obnoxious old asshole?

Love him or hate him, Tommy is a baseball icon. You can say all you want about Lasorda, but the loves the game of baseball and is one of the biggest ambassadors of the game ever. Plus, anyone who kicks the piss out of the Phillie Phanatic is OK in my book.

Hey, I am all for kicking the shit out of the Phillie Phanatic. That fucking thing scares me. OK, since Tommy is a baseball icon and is pimp, who do you think is a bigger LA icon, Hugh M. Hefner or Vin Scully?

Wow, that’s a tough one. When you stop to think about it the similarities are uncanny. Both are media personalities who make their living pleasing young and old males alike. Hugh has the Grotto. Vin has Chavez Ravine. Hugh has the bunnies and Vin had the Penguin (Ron Cey). I feel lucky to hear him call a baseball game on a daily basis. It doesn’t get any more American than that.

I plan to model my later life after Hef (not you you fool, the real Hef) but all I can say about Vin Scully is this. Slow roller down the line. Goes past the bag and it GET’S BY BUCKNER. KNIGHT SCORES AND THE METS WIN IT! Thank you ,The Nug, for your help.

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