Major League Jerk

Yesterday, I took you on a little journey that introduced you to how I came upon stumbled across an adult film gem called “Mature BBQ Orgy (amateur)”…in German. As you might recall, I was looking for an online copy of Steve Raichlen’s Primal Grill BBQ series and ended up downloading the aformentioned, and much more compelling, BBQ Orgy. When I first found it, there were 3 downloaders. Within two hours of my post, and I’m sure completely coincidentally, there were a total of 12 concurrent downloaders. Now, unless I’m mistaken, there can’t be this many people looking for BBQ fetish porn. Brazilian Fart Fetish Porn (BFFP), sure, but BBQFP? C’mon… So this means? This means I love my lemmings readers. Each and every one of you twisted twelve.

Our Stars of Mature BBQ Orgy (amateur)

Well, I finally mustered up the nerve to watch it. I can sum it up in three simple words:

1. Mature
2. Amateur
3. German

1. Mature: Definitely mature. There was a balding, albeit ponytailed, overweight guy ostensibly manning the German version of a grill. There was Gert and her full-on FUPA. And then… for the love of all things not hot… there’s this couple getting torqued up whilst on a swing. Later on, while accepting his beej, he was still reading that damned book. Totally ruined the moment for me.

Grandpa's Shoes

2. Amateur: This is where I was really disappointed. It wasn’t amateur enough. I was looking for some all-out gonzo work here, but no. Everyone looked like they’ve done this sort of thing many, many times. There was no awkward uncomfortableness, no hesitance to be seen in the unflattering light of a midday sun, and surely there was no pause given when Gert switched from the youngest guy, an almost dead ringer for British billionaire Richard Branson, over to Grandpa Schwing. One plus side to the amateur tag given this epic adventure in barbecue was the fact that most everyone kept their shoes and socks on. As Buster Poindexter once sang, “Hot! Hot! Hot!”.

There was one other bit of amateurishness, when it comes to production quality, and that was with the audio, which leads me to point #3.

3. German: Now, don’t get me wrong, the German language is clearly one of the more seductive and romantic languages on the planet (only eclipsed by some of those small African tribes who communicate with those erotic clucking sounds), but it appears that they only had the boom mic hovering over the same pair of orgy’ists. No matter who the camera panned to, we still heard Helga and Dieter grunting and moaning. Since most of you have now watched it, you know what I’m talkin’ bout. With each couple change, it really seemed to take me out of the moment, but I’d be lying to say if the action didn’t pull me right back in.

By the by, if anyone of my fine readers speaks German, I expect a full transcript in my mailbox by Monday morning, 8am sharp. The only thing I could pick up were “Yah, yah, yah!” every time they showed some chick in the proverbial chow line and a rather incongruous “that’s okay”, which Olga muttered as Richard Branson made his first move towards her boobage. Oh, and apparently “nipple” in German is “nipple”. Look at me, everyone. I speak the German now.

The Protagonist

But what about a 4th word, RexKramerBBQFetishist? What about “Barbecue”? Well, this is where my disappointment really comes into play. In my storied career, I’ve had the ability to disappoint many a woman in the sack, but this time, I was the one truly disappointed. The BBQ was just a loose plot line. That’s right. I never once saw anything related to Q, beyond the picture at the left. The hell? The dudes making a fucking stew. Fact: Stewing does not equal Barbecuing.

There was no great build-up, no enjoying of a nice BBQ picnic, no German Q’ing tips to be picked up. Christ, there wasn’t even a subtle, yet oh-so-erotic transition to the action. The scene opens with the gang sitting around the table, and within 10 seconds, there were nipple games. Would it have been so damned hard for the “writers” to add to the “script” that maybe a little barbecue sauce dribbles down Helga’s chin and Helmut seductively offers his assistance with an index finger, feeding the sauce back into her mouth, her lips gently… sorry. Got a little carried away. Anyhoo…

In summation, was it worth the download? Probably not, unless you find the German language either hilarious (in this context, definitely) or soothing enough for your just-before-bedtime “relaxation techniques”. There definitely is a separation between Porn and Barbecue, and until this site starts generating some cash flow, we just don’t have the budget to marry them in a way that captures the true essence of the two.

P.S. - If any of our female readership [cough]sportsgal or Jenny Finch[/cough] would like to give it a shot, I’ll have my grill at the ready.

There’s Nothing to Click Here: An Ode to that Beautiful Language

Ohhh, that Ross. What a clown. “Mississippi” sounds great in German (1min mark)

Steers and Queers (NTTAWWT), Private Cowboy? A little Full Metal Jacket for your listening pleasure.

The German language really is just this sexy. Hasselhoff = Fluent