Major League Jerk

The NFC West…or as I like to call it, “the division I watch the least because the teams usually suck and I hate the Seahawks and their games are on late and the late AFC games are infinitely better.”  So this division has the rep of being the worst in the NFL, but is that accurate?  Historically, yes, but, at least on paper, that’s just not the case anymore as the NFC North is worse at the bottom and the NFC South isn’t as good at the top.  Of course, this is on paper, because as we all know, disappointment is this division’s middle nombre.

Of all the hours of my life I spend watching football, be it at home, at a bar, recovering from said bar, etc, I’ve watched the fewest of the teams included here in the NFC West.  Why?  Because football is not just a game, it’s an experience, and there are certain things that enhance the experience for everyone involved.  As gay as it sounds, I find it impossible to truly enjoy watching a team play in an awful dome or shitty stadium, where the lighting is just horrendous, or a team with terrible uniforms.  I like the total package, as it becomes part of that team’s aura.  It’s why I love Ohio State football on Saturdays, because when you watch their games, it’s not just the traditional uniforms and the Buckeye stickers, but the crowd and the awesome stadium, 107,000 strong creating one of the meanest, most hostile environments, bet it Youngstown State or Meeeeechigan.  I love the Browns because of the stadium on the lake, the brown and orange rust colors echoing the Dawg Pound playing in the elements where their colors create a wonderful marriage with the natural elements.

Simply put, these are football experiences…watching the Rams in some corporate-flash uniforms playing in a toilet dome just isn’t appealing to me.  I don’t like my teams looking jaundiced because it looks like they’re playing football on plastic grass inside a warehouse…it just doesn’t look good.  The Seahawks have one of the best stadiums in all of sport…yet their uniforms are so horrendous, I just can’t possibly like them, no matter how good a team they are.  What happened to the 49ers, where they once were a classic team?  Now they’ve flashed up their uniforms, despite the fact that their throwbacks are 1,000,000x better than the ones they regularly wear.  And don’t even get me started on that abortion of a team in the desert…they just don’t get ANYTHING football related.  Seriously, do these teams not understand the total package?

Just imagine the Packers away from Lambeau, actually just look at whenever they play in Detroit or Minny, they look like absolute shit because the environment they play in looks like shit.  Imagine LSU out of Baton Rouge and slapped into one of those awful ACC stadiums.  You’re lying to yourself if you don’t think this isn’t a part of the game, just as much as it is in baseball’s.

Victory lap.

Seattle Seahawks: Speaking of victory laps, Mike Holmgren is taking his, the big walrus retiring after this year to open up a book store with a coffee shop that serves pastries.  Wait…seriously?  Actually, yes, which is funny because Mike Holmgren is one of the more intense coaches in the league, and I could just see him yelling at his patrons because they didn’t use a coaster on that mahogany cofee table.  It makes me giggle.

Anyways, this is a pretty solid team, even though they just don’t look that good on paper.  Matt Hasselbeck doesn’t have any good WR’s or TE’s, yet was one of the top QB’s in the league last year.  Imagine if he had some good weapons, you think Tony Romo is good?  Hell, Hasselbeck is 1,000x the QB Romo is, and if he had Romo’s weapons, the Manning/Brady debate would have another entry.  Walter Jones, even though he’s not what he was in 2006 when he was the best player in football is still one of the better linemen in the NFL, and the line is solid, if not spectacular.

The defense is a swarming, blitzing, son of a gun, 4-3 that’s the epitome of the modern NFL.  Attacking LB”s which include Lofa Tatupu and Julian Peterson, and safeties who bring the lumber and CB’s who jam you at the line and don’t take no bullshit.  And speaking of Lofa Tatupu, he just signed one of those new mega-deals, and how does he celebrate?  By getting a DUI…in his HYUNDAI.  Lofa, my man, you just signed a $49 million deal, and I know that Sonata has an awesome warranty package, but come on dude, you can do better than that.

Decent special teams, this is that team that always gets overlooked in favor of the Cardinals or Rams yet always ends up on top.

Prediction: I’m not falling for it…11-5.

St. Louis Rams: This is your surprise team for 2008.  All the elements are in place for an awesome year, namely, Mr. Steven Jackson is healthy.  In terms of raw talent, there are few RB’s in the league that have a better overall package than Steven Jackson.  He’s got size, speed, aggression, strength, and he’s a smart football player who sets up blocks and is the second best passing threat out of the backfield other than LT.  He’s an absolute beast, who might be the most intimidating RB to see running down the field with the tinted visor and the dreadlocks flowing, and the fact that he’s fucking 240 lbs and is faster than you.  The offense’s fate is predicated on whether or not Orlando Pace can stay healthy…if he does, it’s great and they’re a Wild Card Team…if not, it’ll be rough sledding.

The defense is another hot-or-cold unit…I love their D-line, with Chris Long getting added to Leonard Little and Adam Carriker, and Will Witherspoon is still an effective LB, but after that, it’s pretty barren.  They play one of those gay little Cover 2 things because, frankly, the secondary needs all the help it can get because it couldn’t cover 2/3 of the WR’s in the NFL.  Jim Haslett wants to blitz, he really does, but you’d never know that after his stay in New Orleans and his stint as DC in St. Lois.  He just hasn’t had the personnel.

The Rams are one of those teams that sneaks up on you because you don’t take them as seriously as the harder team next week.  Then, next thing you know, Steven Jackson has 120 yards rushing at halftime and Bulger has thrown 2 TD passes and you’re down 24-7.  Every year there’s a team like that, that just because they really sucked the year before, you don’t think they’ll be good, when in actuality, the parts were there they just needed to put it together.

Prediction:  I like this team to surprise some people, just like I do the Raiders in the AFC.  9-7.

Arizona Cardinals: On paper, there’s a lot to like about this team.  Darnell Dockett is a MAN on the DL and Karlos Dansby is a pretty solid, versatile player.  Antrel Rolle should benefit from getting moved to safety and they’ve drafted well recently.  So then why does this defense usually suck?  Well, they’ll have some rough sledding this year because of their young secondary and the fact they let their best pass rusher get RIDICULOUSLY overpaid by the New York Jets.  That was actually a smart move not trying to match the offer for Calvin Pace, because the dude had one good year, yet NY thought it was appropriate to give him a 7 year deal.  Those are the kind of moves that destroy a franchise if they don’t pan out, and chances are good they’re not going to pan out.  Smart move Arizona!  But still, he was productive last year, and they’re going to have a hard time replacing that kind of edge rusher.

The offense, we all know about, what with Boldin and Larry Fitz. They’ll throw the ball…as long as Kurt Warner is the QB.  Did you know that Kurt Warner threw for 3,400 yards and 27 TD’s with fewer INT”s than Carson Palmer, Tony Romo and Derek Anderson?  Yet…Matt Leinart?  Really?  Listen, I know you’re paying the dude a ton of skrilla and all that, and that the Bidwells are cheap as all hell, but does anyone in their right mind think that Warner doesn’t give them the best chance to win here?  I think we could all agree that Leinart was the wrong pick for this team, as his girlie arm and total lack of any athleticism clearly aren’t a match for the downfield threats they have on the edges.  But Warner does…please Cardinals…Warner’s the choice.  The only logical one, if you ask me, you simply don’t replace guys with that kind of production, it just doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

Every year someone picks the Cards to finally break through, yet they never do.  The reasons are twofold…one, they don’t ever have good coaching, Wisenhunt included and the more important one, the ownership does everything in their power to be the biggest obstacle they can possibly be while making it look like they’re hands off.  This bumbing group of owners is so bad, they’ll never have a good team, simply because of the way they do business.  Look at the worst teams in the NFL and then look at who’s running the shots, not the personnel shots or the head coach, but the powerful guy in the organization.  Al Davis, William Clay Ford/Matt Millen, Mike Brown in Cincy, the Bidwells, the Yorks…and then look at where the Raiders, Lions, Bengals, Cardinals and 49ers usually draft.  The reason the Browns moved on?  Butch Davis was the most powerful man in the organization because Randy Lerner is about as hands off an owner as it gets…he’d rather follow his gay footie team across the pond than care about a REAL sports team he owns…but at the same time, he realized he needs competent people in place and he’s done that with Phil Savage and his crew.

Oh, and I know I’m going heavy on the YouTube’s, but…come on…Anquan Boldin is the fucking best.

So the Bidwells are to blame.  Fuck them.

Prediction:  Defense sucks, coaching sucks, I’m not buying it until they do it…0-16.

San Francisco 49ers:  This team is simply in flux, what else can you say?  They have some young talent on the line, some decent young playmakers in Vernon Davis (is this the year he breaks out?  Probably not) and Frank Gore, some underrated WR’s, a new offensive guru in Mike Martz and a QB situation that is akin to choosing which retarded child you don’t want to abandon on the roadside.  What, was that harsh?  Well suck it up, you fairy, this is the NF-fucking-L, we ain’t got time to bleed.  But come on, does anyone really think that Shaun Hill or Alex Smith is the answer?  God damnit, I hate bringing this up for the millionth time, but nobody thought Derek Anderson was the answer either…especially when Charlie Frye was named the starter last year…so, there’s hope.  Then again, Arnez Battle and Isaac Bruce are not Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow (Winslow’s a TE you say?  Funny, I’ve never seen him block) so let’s hold off on fellating ourselves here.

The defense is me…why the hell did they let Marques Douglas go?  Does anyone in this fucking organization realize that that motherfucker was probably the best 3-4 DE in the NFL for the first 8 games last year?  And they lost Young as well?  GUTTED.  Patrick Willis sure is a beast, probably the best MLB in the NFL right now, I mean, there are some other good guys, but they don’t have Willis’ ridiculous athleticism.  In two years, Patrick Willis will look like Ray Lewis did, and he’ll be an uncontrollable monster in every facet of the game, but it all depends on the DL…and 3-4 DL guys aren’t easy to find in the draft, and when you do find them, they need seasoning because few college teams play that style, and the responsibilities are completely different.

Back to the offense…Mike Martz is a genius, plain and simple.  He’s smarter than you, and you can’t plan against what he’s going to do because he knows that you know that he knows how to attack the shit out of you and, because he’s as arrogant as a guido from Brooklyn, he’s not going to hold up any time soon.  But his ego is also his downfall as he thinks way too much, much like Phil Mickelson.  Sometimes you don’t need to run a 4 wide set that attacks every level when all you need is 2 yards for a first down.  Sometimes a Iso pluge works fine, especially when you have Frank Gore, just like Mickeltits doesn’t need to hit a 30 yard hook into a green 220 yards away with a 2 iron hybrid when he has a straight line to the pin, Martz will pull it all out, and you know why?  Because they can…that’s why.  But next year, if they draft well, this has the makings of a pretty good offense, and yes, I’m a huge Martz fan from back in his days of the Greatest Show on Turf.

Prediction: Regardless of what I think of Martz, Shaun Hill and Alex Smith are still the QB’s.  5-11.

Up next: I’m moving onto college football, doing MY rankings starting with 25-21.  The difference between the NFL and NCAA?  You care about your NFL team, you live and die by your college team.  When the Browns lose, and they do often, I’m upset, but I get over it and live my life.  When the Buckeyes lose, and they do often in the most excruciating fashion, with a month full of hype and buildup, convincing yourself they’re going to win, only to watch Top Chef by halftime, I’m mentally destroyed.  I’m depressed for probably a week, and go on a bender where I don’t shave, shower or be sober for one minute and threaten to kill anyone wearing Purple and Gold or Blue and Orange…hell, anyone with a Southern accent.  I don’t open the blinds, I don’t go outside.  I sit in my cocoon of depression until, finally, someone slaps me out of it.  NFL causes sadness, NCAA causes full on depression.

Perhaps I get too into this shit.