Seriously, Hef… You want me to preview a handful of baseballing games that occur tonight? Had I known that my unexcused absence would result in such a punishment request, I’d have continued faking my own death. As I sit here typing this, I can only hope that when I click SI.com, armed with my trusty weapon known as “copy ‘n paste”, that the night’s schedule tells me this is a league-wide off-day and that Hefler was just fuckin’ with me. Fuckin’ with you. You, the reader, who deserves so very much more betterer than what I could ever hope to cobble together.
Breaking News Alert:
4:43pm 8:47am – MLJ has not-at-all-exclusively learned that Pudge Rodriguez has been traded to the Yankees. [ed. shit, Roman scooped my scoop]
We now return you to your regularly scheduled Under the Lights thing.
Tigers at Indians -
Oops, Hef and the boys seem to format it like this:
Tigers/Indians: Can the Tiger’s gain on the division-leading …hang on a sec… Chicago White Sox? Clifton Phifer “Cliff” Lee, his 14-2 record and 2.29 era might have a thing or two to say about that one, or so hopes this Tribe fan who really has nothing left to root for. And do the Tigers recover from the blow of Pudge being traded? Have the Tigers written off the season? Things I don’t know, but I’m sure you commenters do.
White Sox/Twins: An epic clash of the two teams battling for 1st place in the AL Central. Minnesota is lurking all of 1/2 game back, riding a 4 game win streak against the Sox 3 game slide. Contrary to the Sports Illustrated preview that I so graciously screen-capped for yinz, Chicago does catch a break with the sweet swinging Bobby Korecky and his 1.000 batting average riding the pine tonight.
Cubs/Brewers: Celebrity Guest Appearance of the Night: Sportsgal
Demptser vs. Parra. Cubs hope to help Dempster get his second win of the year away from the friendly confines. Although, he’s playing in Wrigley North so this isn’t a typical road game. We’re Cubs fans are all looking forward to watching Braun field like an asshole so we they can point and laugh.
Rexy Nomo’s Pick o’ the Night: 8pm EDT, “My Small Breasts and I”
BBC America uncovers the complex, poignant, and sometimes amusing relationship women have with their tiny breasts. Talking candidly, three women reveal how they really feel about their own bodies and the lengths to which they’ll go to change their situation.
I’m watching just to find out what qualifies as an “amusing relationship women have with their tiny breasts”. Just last night, I had a sometimes amusing relationship with a coug’s ginormous hooters, so color me curious. 5 of those star thingies to anyone who can correctly guess what I mean by “amusing”. 10 if you can do it in Haiku.
And, yes… BBCA has a companion piece called “My Big Breasts and Me”
Fine… one hint. It may have included the sweet, slightly tart, fruity goodness that are Starburst Fruit Chews.
Haiku attempt
Saline is the best
When purchased on layaway
Cockeyed stares and all
Nice haiku nug. I think all my comments tonight are going to be in haiku form…
unfortunately
a fatass pitches tonight
we want francisco
I like this Idea
Haiku-off on M L J
Is only half gay
haiku’s are the best
while it may seem gay at first
it gets you pussy
The Doyers are fine
Stick it up your Teixeira
He’s no James Loney
I’ll break the obvious tension and confusion by providing a non-retarded comment.
/you’re welcome
My apartment’s hot
I have to get naked now
Boys, cover your eyes
hef is retarded
why would he ruin the fun?
gal’s comment was nice
Damn yous Hef. Fetch and I we’e on a roll….like the two geeks at the 8th grade dance that finally got to dance with the cool kids. Does this mean we have to pay to see Molly Ringwald’s underwear now?
Teixeira’s first at-bat as a Halo update. Deep blast to right-center. Looks good. Nope. Out.
What a slow night. Where is everyone? And seriously, I think I might die of heat stroke right now, it’s so fucking hot in my apartment.
Sportsgal is the front runner on the First Ever MLJ Haiku-Off. Nicely done.
Mini blinds open
A foursome with Wood, Carey
And Samardzija
twins haven’t started
reading harry potter now
waiting for the storm
Fetch, should I drop John Maine and pick up Liriano?
nugs last line had 4
but the last has to have 5
they are? syllables!
well, ill, it depends
what place are you in right now?
i’d go francisco
I like Samardzija
I would probably blow him
Wood? Eh, not so much
Milwaukee Brewers
Scratching their Heads as they Host
Lou Piniella’s Cubs
illformula, hi!
you have a super cute puppy
but the beater’s gay
should have been pup and not puppy
Manny Ramirez
Red Sox Nation Bid Aideu
Fire Theo Epstein
Fetch, I’m in 1st with a decent lead but I’m taking a hit with Hudson going down and now maybe Maine. I could drop Carmona, but i wanted to see what happens his next start.
SG – I’m naming my FF team SG Sweats My Dog
this feels kind of gay
can we stop typing haikus
and bring back jew stars
you guys are boring
no one here except sportsgal
is clever at all
although beater jokes
are totally out of style
oh, and she can’t count
40 years ago
beater jokes went out of style
when gal was eighteen
But that makes me sound like the dog makes me nervous, I love the puppy. He’s a miracle worker too, he actually made you look attractive in that picture even with the beater.
im really not gay
haikus are not baseball talk
this is my last one
fetch is an a-hole
he forgets i’m 25
he can go suck it
gal said to reply
so ill: here is my advice to you
go with the least risk
whos watching what tonight?
i know im watching the cubs and SG is watching american idol reruns, while clown watches “what not to wear” but what about the rest of you fellers?
gal was 25
when the berlin wall fell down
now she’s undisclosed
How dare you, mikey, i’m watching the cubs game. I’m also having a nice steam bath as my apartment is about 110 degrees right now.
Not where I’m from. If you sweat something you want it. But i’ll change the name so everyone can understand.
i can’t wait to beat you in fantasy, ill. I’m giddy just thinking about it!
whew…sorry SG…i just had to make sure you were pissed so you would snap out of haiku mode
Mikey, Brew/Cubs game.
I’m taking a half day tomorrow to go watch my man crush, Matt Wieters.
There’s only one thing to do in a hot steamy apartment…
god damnit livan
what a big fucking fatass
throw more meatballs please
that was quick…1-0 already
OK, why was reed johnson allowed to run there? He struck out and it was the 3rd out, but the catcher dropped it so that means he can run?
because it is required to catch the third strike
Aside from taking off all my clothes (which I’ve already done)?
that’s the first step SG. The second is getting in the cold shower.
fantasy draft soon
could i have some sleepers, please?
how about on D?
Laron Landry
roman, suck my balls. 5-1 marlins… check out my blog for all manny ramirez to the fish info. its close to getting done
that wasnt correctly formatted cortes
roman suck my balls
five to one florida is up
now ill pimp my blog
thanks mikey.. well said
Can someone go to the gym for me, please? It’s too hot.
yeah… i just went to the gym for you…i enjoyed being in the ladies locker room, you had a good workout, and then showered with six other chicks…you are pretty sure that three of the naked chicks in the locker room should never be naked in a public setting again….does that sound about right?
very un dempster like there….0-2 wild pitch? damn
Is someone trying to get into beater-shape?
No, mikey. That doesn’t sound right at all. Why would I shower at the gym when it’s half a block from my apartment?
Nice wild pitch, Dempster. Asshole. What the fuck? Were you trying to show everyone your impression of the Peoria Cubs? Dick.
i am guessing about the condition of the naked chicks but if it is anything like the country club – you finish your round of golf and go into the washroom to wash your hands and face before lunch – and the absolutely fattest oldest smelliest dude is sombing his 8 remaining hairs over his bald head – and of course this requires both hands because hes styling his hair fonzie style – and dude is naked becuase the towel wont fit around him
* Combing
this is normally how it is…in fact, i would be more suprised if this DIDNT happen
You’re right, mikey, the only chicks getting naked in my gym locker room are fat and old.
I seriously wish I could get motivated to go. The thought of doing the elliptical makes me want to cry, then punch someone in the face.
The thought of doing the elliptical makes me want to cry, then scream, pull some hair and slap the nearest chick.
/fixed
sportsgal hates the gym
looks hot in a bikini
she’ll go back again
/that was my first haiku EVAH!!!1!!1!!
chick fight at the gym
maybe they’ll kiss nekkid
now I want to go
true story i once
saw a fat guy blow drying
his butt hair with pride
/dayton jewish center showers
glad you’re back with us
RexKramerDangerSeeker
missed your snarkiness
Cortes..eat shit…anywho…I am mad at Jerry Manuel tonight…Endy Chavez should be starting and in RF…put the Great Tatis in LF where his talents shine and get Marlon Anderson some ABS in Houston..this is a big series damnit…
Cortes can eat shit
Marlon Anderson is a hole
Tatis is still god
one time at my gym
caught this dude masterbating
for real, it’s science
god damnit livan
how horribly bad is he?
I want to die now.
Alright, I’m going to the gym now, damn it. I’m tired, hot and crabby. And I hate all you guys for being chubby and not caring what you look like.
yeah…i dont know how we sleep at night…oh yeah….beer
who’s callin who fat?
cmon, sportsgal. that’s not nice
except to roman
awwww, sportsgal… i was just getting ready to tell the starburst story.
and finally explain what the position “washing the dog” entails.
/nevermind
not chubby here
check out my hotness online
at facebook that is
don’t leave us hangin’
RexKramerDangerSeeker
tell washing the dog
mize is pretty good
haiku’s and spanish? i think
that’s called bilingual
why go to the gym
when you have your own sauna
in your living room?
Do you think Sportsgal motivational tape at the gym is the tape recorded version of MLJ?
fetch is a douche
I am on a diet
go fuck your mom
your damn straight fetchy
now, a haiku in spanish?
no, I don’t think so
roman is not fat
he is just very big boned
so says his mother
fetch es muy feo
y muy estupido
Es un maricon
cortes + 1JS
Haikus are no fun
Something has to be better
Naughty Limericks?
cunnilingual trumps
mize’s bilingual by far
yep, that’s just science
+1js roman. I would not have thought that someone could use cunnilingual in a haiku
+1 JS goes
to romanwarhelmet for
haiku espanol
excellent, roman
even though i spoke, in jest
you are dead sexy
English Translation:
Fetch is very ugly
and is very stupid
He is a Fag
fetch we’re cool
I am eating little food
It makes me angry
I had the literal translation as:
Fetch is very ugly
and is very stupid
He is a queer
diets suck, been there
don’t worry, it gets better
i can see my dick!
Damion Easley
hit a 3 run homer
the mets down 1
fetch, I thought you were
only 17 years young
you were a fat kid?
soy atractivo
tengo un pene gigante
y chupan mis pelotas
mize i am 20
and i exaggerated
but i was chubby
no habla espanol
la caca de la baca huele
it means cow shit stinks
I’ve never been so disappointed in all of you in my entire life.
/p.s. Roman, you’re doing it wrong
i fucked that up bad
nine syllables on line two
i am a dumb dumb
espanol es divertido
y sable es muy importante
por 412 no bueno
Hef I don’t follow
your cheesey ass rules
Lick my balls
I was kidding, fetch
seventeen had syllables
I needed for haiku
late to the party
any given sunday’s on
yanks won already
+1@ RWH
Couldn’t agree more Hef. It’s a sad day in MLJ history. I realize some of you have interests in writing, but Japanese poetry?
Hef I don’t follow
your cheesey ass rules
Lick my balls
5-5-3, Roman?
fetch, there’s nothing wrong with that
you can see your dick!
Red Sox are getting stomped again. This disappoints me on several levels. Especially since it’s against the Angels.
lick my balls asshole?
better.
hef likes to be
a fancy pants know it all
he really sucks dick
haiku’s japanese?
I hate poetry, all kinds.
I’m done with this shit.
But it goes 5-7-5. You need two more syllables in the middle line. Also, you’re really, really ghey.
my only writing
int’rest is for MLJ
aint gonna happen
i am good at this
Jap poetry fits me well
love, michael strahan
anyone remember hottest chick/ugliest dude on the howard stern show?
http://cityofchamps.wordpress.com/2008/07/31/how-much-did-he-pay-her-to-accompany-him-to-game/
and delgado can suck my balls.. eat it roman.. 5-4 3 outs to go
cortes…I like my chances against Gregg
5-6-7 coming up.. with a closer with an era in the mid 2’s.. i’ll take my chances.. though the use of the closer always pisses me off.. its a 1 run game in the 8th inning facing 2-3-4 and you bring in nelson instead of gregg? get outta here with that shit man.. its not some inane ability to get 3 outs against 5-6-7 in the 9th versus 2-3-4 in the 8th.. put your best damn reliever in the game at the most crucial moments..
blog pimping is gay
i was told this by roman
so i stopped pimping
k folks, have to go
fantasy football draft soon
see you in awhile
dan uggla is a pimp
Kansas blows, go Vols
can’t wait for January 3
Vols will own Fieldhouse
is this thingy on?
hello, anybody there?
very lonely here.
im here for you bud
hakiu commenting is gay
lets just talk normal
Castro!
mikey, fine with me
I don’t even like haiku
damn, did it again
ok, now I’m really done haiku’ing.
I’m starting to analyze steel beams in haiku in my head.
Damnit….9 more Cortes…9 more
mizer, you and mikey talk to yourselves a frightening amount
do you answer too?
you can’t stop the fighting fish roman… shoulda known better.. 1 game back!
@ hawk
i just got back from tthe bathroom…i was in there telling myself jokes ive never heard before…and of course, i was laughing my ass off
@hawk – I only talk to myself online, not in my real and non-anonymous life.
Mets aren’t even in first anymore .5 back of the Phils
heading to the house; later bitchez.
Wow, it got a little crazy in here with the haiku while I was at the gym.
Oh. My. God. What a shocker! Pinella wants to use Cotts tonight even though he hasn’t played him in over a week! I guarantee he comes in and pitches like shit.
Brewers can’t hit shit
They are great at striking out
Benji taking shots
You know, they say you shouldn’t kick a dead horse, but I think it’s worse to kick a live horse. A dead horse won’t kick you back.
/oh yeah, you’re all still strahan
Benji, I’m sorry your team is losing. Maybe this will cheer you up a little?
+1 fetch. hilarious
i got RWH with 3 jew stars, cortes with 1, and fetch with one. any i missed.
i don’t really like cats. thanks though. i’ll be here with my bottle if anyone needs me.
Benji is a dick
His team’s losing so he cries
Quit being a bitch
Why is he being a bitch? He’s not happy his team is losing so he’s being a bitch? That’s stupid logic.
No, because he plus 1′d fetch for calling me old. Do you even read the comments, hef?
not the haiku’s again. i was late and wanted to get one in. for the record, i’m not crying. and i’m not a dick.
those arent really tears
being a bitch is not me
and im not a dick
if youre gonna play the game play it right stigs
He plus 1′d Fetch for saying something funny. You just happened to be the subject. C’mon, it’s rare that Fetch says something funny, let him bask.
it’s a haiku, i could only use single syllable insults to make it fit the haiku structure.
Dunn is my hero
Dong dong times two yee-ha!
Griffey sucks big cock
575 nick
sportsgal hates herself
to make her feel better she
rips on poor people
one more chance to win
harden will get owned then
probably not true
You are poor, benji?
Sorry, I had no idea…
Brewers still suck though
not poor. just couldn’t think of anything else on the fly with only one syllable. send money though if you’d like.
brewers are down four
the nl central king cubs
should sweep tomorrow
Phils beat up on Nats
Fuck you Roman and Cortes
First place from now on
Fixed it, Michael
Braun struck out 3 times on pitches at the eyes. FUCK FUCK FUCK`
i fixed it mikey
now shut your fucking pie hole
i own this nice blog
thats how i woulda said it anyways
that slide by bernie reminds me of the brewersin the NL central standings
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrlLmTh32KI
hey Hef, how do you ban people from commenting again?
Good job, mikey. you’ve already won the Gheyest Link of 2008 award and it’s only July.
That’s 1, Mikey. You don’t want to get to three.
/this works on my kids. Let’s see if it works on commenters.
so i got the MLJ Strahan Award?
The arsonist has oddly shaped feet.
The Human Torch was denied a bank loan.