NFL Training Camps are Getting Started, Part 1: AFC East

Yes, this is a baseball blog, first and foremost, but this is also America (fuck yea) and America (fuck yea) loves football.  And football is starting.  And I’m starting to salivate. 

Every year it’s the same thing…summer is great, you actually get away from following every nook and cranny of sports, wasting hour upon hour of precious work…um…hours reading every stupid Len Pasquarelli and Adam Schefter article, pouring all sorts of energy into researching your backup RB spot on your fantasy team…it’s a good thing that football season is really only 4 months long because it’d be too much to take year round.

This week is a full week of Christmas (or as Hef’s people would say, Chanukah – when I spelled it like that, it kinda looks like the spelling of whatever Ken and Ryu say when they shoot their fireballs in Street Fighter II – cha-NU-KAH!!!…sorry, I mean no disprespect, I just have severe ADD) for football fans.  Actually, it’s more like the day after Thanksgiving when all the Christmas shopping really gets going into gear.  Sure, we’re still a good 3 weeks away from any competitive football, but just seeing our teams start working is enough for me.

Today, we’re going to look at the AFC East, and I think I’ll probably rock a division per day and try to start easing our way into the NFL season before the glorious season known as MLB Postseason/NFL Regular season hits us in a few months (oh and it is glorious…sports heaven).

New England Patriots:  They’re great, you know all about them because ESPN won’t shut up about ‘em.  Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Cheaty McHoodie.  Heathens…all of them.  They’ll be fucking awesome again, and we’ll all hate them just because of their fans…again. 

Oh, and Roman, this one’s for you…18-1.

Prediction: easiest schedule in the league + best team + best coach = 15-1.

New York Jets:  Full disclosure:  I fucking HATE the Jets.  I hate their little chant, “J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!” even though that makes me a total hypocrite because in Chicago last week I was stinking ass drunk at 3 a.m. walking through the streets yelling “O! H!” at people, and getting pissed when they didn’t respond, “I! O!”  Fuck those assholes, except for the possibly homeless dude who responded.  I gave him a dollar…it could’ve been a $20, I have no idea, I was really shitfaced (note: if I ever give you any advice, don’t mix Jager and Sake…especially after eating deep dish pizza).

Anyways, the Jets really suck.  They got a bunch of high-priced free agents in this offseason, leading Jets fans to think they’ll be good, quite similar to the predicament my Browns are in.  Only the Browns have a competent personnel staff which actually knows what fits their scheme and knows to try and get a few players that DON’T SUCK.  Faneca?  Old.  Damien Woody?  Was he ever good?  Calvin Pace?  You gave that guy HOW MUCH MONEY?  Holy crap…I can’t believe that any team would spend that kind of money on such shitty players, it’s ridiculous, not to mention D’Brickashaw Ferguson, guy their paying ridiculous sums of money to to play matador, isn’t even good enough to wipe Joe Thomas’ heavenly brow.  Plus, Mangini is a fucking awful coach. 

Oh, and last thing…I watched Vernon Gholston for 2.5 years, he’s going to be a bust even tho he’s crazy jacked.

Prediction: Jets fans are going to be angry and douchetastic.  6-10.

Buffalo Bills:  The chic team that everyone says is on their way to compentency, but I don’t buy it.  Their defense is horrendously overrated, though Marcus Stroud, if healthy, can wreak havoc and actually make them decent.  Their offense?  Marshawn Lynch is the tits, Cleveland’s own Lee Evans is a great WR, and Jason Peters is perhaps the one guy who can say he’s in Joe Thomas’ stratosphere, but at the same time…they just look bad.  Trent Edwards is your QB of the future?  Um…don’t you need to be able to throw the ball in the NFL?  Trent Edwards has a worse arm than my gay cousin.  Not to mention, he wasn’t even that good last year, as a matter of fact, his first year reminds me a helluva lot of Charlie Frye’s…I see a similar career path.

Nevertheless, they shouldn’t be too bad, and get to play the Jets and Dolphins two times each so…yea, they’ll get some wins there.

Prediction:  Boring team with the best alternate uniforms in the NFL.  9-7.

Miami Dolphins:  I watched Jake Long for 4 years while he was at Michigan, and you know what?  The first two years, he gave me nightmares.  Then, I watched him get destroyed by Vernon Gholston.  Every NFL rush end/rush 3-4 LB is better than Vernon Gholston, and like I said, I expect Vernon Gholston to be a major bust, yet he gave Long fits.  That’s not a good thing. 

I expect Parcells to fill this roster with good players eventually, but right now the cupboard is bare, and it’ll be that way for a long time.  They have very few players who you can actually even consider NFL quality…Ronnie Brown for sure, maybe Vernon Carey, Jake Long (if he was at RT) and Ted Ginn, only as a KR (DEFINITELY not as a WR).  Joey Porter aged worse than Neil Young and Channing Crowder doesn’t know where England is on a map, yet is supposed to play NFL footbaw?  Gimme a fucking break, this team blows all sorts of ass, and if it weren’t for the shitty Falcons, they’d be the worst team in the league.

Plus, Chad Henne is a dick.

Prediction: Roster sucks and Ricky Williams is the longest tenured Dolphin…let that sink in for a second.  3-13.

So there it is…and yes, I realize I went heavy on the OSU/Gholston/fuck Michigan shit, but guess what?  Michigan sucks.  And Carson Palmer sucks too.

Up next: AFC North…YESSSAH!!!