Under the Lights: You want Rex to write about what?
Seriously, Hef… You want me to preview a handful of baseballing games that occur tonight? Had I known that my unexcused absence would result in such a punishment request, I’d have continued faking my own death. As I sit here typing this, I can only hope that when I click SI.com, armed with my trusty weapon known as “copy ‘n paste”, that the night’s schedule tells me this is a league-wide off-day and that Hefler was just fuckin’ with me. Fuckin’ with you. You, the reader, who deserves so very much more betterer than what I could ever hope to cobble together.
Breaking News Alert:
4:43pm 8:47am - MLJ has not-at-all-exclusively learned that Pudge Rodriguez has been traded to the Yankees. [ed. shit, Roman scooped my scoop]
We now return you to your regularly scheduled Under the Lights thing.
Tigers at Indians -
Oops, Hef and the boys seem to format it like this:
Tigers/Indians: Can the Tiger’s gain on the division-leading …hang on a sec… Chicago White Sox? Clifton Phifer “Cliff” Lee, his 14-2 record and 2.29 era might have a thing or two to say about that one, or so hopes this Tribe fan who really has nothing left to root for. And do the Tigers recover from the blow of Pudge being traded? Have the Tigers written off the season? Things I don’t know, but I’m sure you commenters do.
White Sox/Twins: An epic clash of the two teams battling for 1st place in the AL Central. Minnesota is lurking all of 1/2 game back, riding a 4 game win streak against the Sox 3 game slide. Contrary to the Sports Illustrated preview that I so graciously screen-capped for yinz, Chicago does catch a break with the sweet swinging Bobby Korecky and his 1.000 batting average riding the pine tonight.
Cubs/Brewers: Celebrity Guest Appearance of the Night: Sportsgal
Demptser vs. Parra. Cubs hope to help Dempster get his second win of the year away from the friendly confines. Although, he’s playing in Wrigley North so this isn’t a typical road game. We’re Cubs fans are all looking forward to watching Braun field like an asshole so we they can point and laugh.
Rexy Nomo’s Pick o’ the Night: 8pm EDT, “My Small Breasts and I”
BBC America uncovers the complex, poignant, and sometimes amusing relationship women have with their tiny breasts. Talking candidly, three women reveal how they really feel about their own bodies and the lengths to which they’ll go to change their situation.
I’m watching just to find out what qualifies as an “amusing relationship women have with their tiny breasts”. Just last night, I had a sometimes amusing relationship with a coug’s ginormous hooters, so color me curious. 5 of those star thingies to anyone who can correctly guess what I mean by “amusing”. 10 if you can do it in Haiku.
And, yes… BBCA has a companion piece called “My Big Breasts and Me”
Fine… one hint. It may have included the sweet, slightly tart, fruity goodness that are Starburst Fruit Chews.
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Comments
fetch Nice haiku nug. I think all my comments tonight are going to be in haiku form…
unfortunately
a fatass pitches tonight
we want francisco
Hef I’ll break the obvious tension and confusion by providing a non-retarded comment.
/you’re welcome
thenug Damn yous Hef. Fetch and I we’e on a roll….like the two geeks at the 8th grade dance that finally got to dance with the cool kids. Does this mean we have to pay to see Molly Ringwald’s underwear now?
Teixeira’s first at-bat as a Halo update. Deep blast to right-center. Looks good. Nope. Out.
sportsgal116 What a slow night. Where is everyone? And seriously, I think I might die of heat stroke right now, it’s so fucking hot in my apartment.
thenug Sportsgal is the front runner on the First Ever MLJ Haiku-Off. Nicely done.
Mini blinds open
A foursome with Wood, Carey
And Samardzija
illformula Fetch, I’m in 1st with a decent lead but I’m taking a hit with Hudson going down and now maybe Maine. I could drop Carmona, but i wanted to see what happens his next start.
fetch you guys are boring
no one here except sportsgal
is clever at all
although beater jokes
are totally out of style
oh, and she can’t count
40 years ago
beater jokes went out of style
when gal was eighteen
sportsgal116 But that makes me sound like the dog makes me nervous, I love the puppy. He’s a miracle worker too, he actually made you look attractive in that picture even with the beater.
mikeychx whos watching what tonight?
i know im watching the cubs and SG is watching american idol reruns, while clown watches “what not to wear” but what about the rest of you fellers?
sportsgal116 How dare you, mikey, i’m watching the cubs game. I’m also having a nice steam bath as my apartment is about 110 degrees right now.
illformula Not where I’m from. If you sweat something you want it. But i’ll change the name so everyone can understand.
mikeychx whew…sorry SG…i just had to make sure you were pissed so you would snap out of haiku mode
illformula Mikey, Brew/Cubs game.
I’m taking a half day tomorrow to go watch my man crush, Matt Wieters.
sportsgal116 OK, why was reed johnson allowed to run there? He struck out and it was the 3rd out, but the catcher dropped it so that means he can run?
sportsgal116 There’s only one thing to do in a hot steamy apartment…
Aside from taking off all my clothes (which I’ve already done)?
cortes01 roman, suck my balls. 5-1 marlins… check out my blog for all manny ramirez to the fish info. its close to getting done
mikeychx that wasnt correctly formatted cortes
roman suck my balls
five to one florida is up
now ill pimp my blog
mikeychx yeah… i just went to the gym for you…i enjoyed being in the ladies locker room, you had a good workout, and then showered with six other chicks…you are pretty sure that three of the naked chicks in the locker room should never be naked in a public setting again….does that sound about right?
sportsgal116 No, mikey. That doesn’t sound right at all. Why would I shower at the gym when it’s half a block from my apartment?
Nice wild pitch, Dempster. Asshole. What the fuck? Were you trying to show everyone your impression of the Peoria Cubs? Dick.
mikeychx i am guessing about the condition of the naked chicks but if it is anything like the country club - you finish your round of golf and go into the washroom to wash your hands and face before lunch - and the absolutely fattest oldest smelliest dude is sombing his 8 remaining hairs over his bald head - and of course this requires both hands because hes styling his hair fonzie style - and dude is naked becuase the towel wont fit around him
mikeychx this is normally how it is…in fact, i would be more suprised if this DIDNT happen
sportsgal116 You’re right, mikey, the only chicks getting naked in my gym locker room are fat and old.
I seriously wish I could get motivated to go. The thought of doing the elliptical makes me want to cry, then punch someone in the face.
illformula The thought of doing the elliptical makes me want to cry, then scream, pull some hair and slap the nearest chick.
/fixed
mizerle06 sportsgal hates the gym
looks hot in a bikini
she’ll go back again
/that was my first haiku EVAH!!!1!!1!!
RexKramerDangerSeeker true story i once
saw a fat guy blow drying
his butt hair with pride
/dayton jewish center showers
romanwarhelmet Cortes..eat shit…anywho…I am mad at Jerry Manuel tonight…Endy Chavez should be starting and in RF…put the Great Tatis in LF where his talents shine and get Marlon Anderson some ABS in Houston..this is a big series damnit…
Cortes can eat shit
Marlon Anderson is a hole
Tatis is still god
sportsgal116 Alright, I’m going to the gym now, damn it. I’m tired, hot and crabby. And I hate all you guys for being chubby and not caring what you look like.
RexKramerDangerSeeker awwww, sportsgal… i was just getting ready to tell the starburst story.
and finally explain what the position “washing the dog” entails.
/nevermind
Gonzo Do you think Sportsgal motivational tape at the gym is the tape recorded version of MLJ?
RexKramerDangerSeeker cunnilingual trumps
mize’s bilingual by far
yep, that’s just science
hawkeye19 +1js roman. I would not have thought that someone could use cunnilingual in a haiku
mizerle06 I had the literal translation as:
Fetch is very ugly
and is very stupid
He is a queer
Hef I’ve never been so disappointed in all of you in my entire life.
/p.s. Roman, you’re doing it wrong
illformula Couldn’t agree more Hef. It’s a sad day in MLJ history. I realize some of you have interests in writing, but Japanese poetry?
Hef Red Sox are getting stomped again. This disappoints me on several levels. Especially since it’s against the Angels.
Hef But it goes 5-7-5. You need two more syllables in the middle line. Also, you’re really, really ghey.
cortes01 anyone remember hottest chick/ugliest dude on the howard stern show?
http://cityofchamps.wordpress.com/2008/07/31/how-much-did-he-pay-her-to-accompany-him-to-game/
cortes01 5-6-7 coming up.. with a closer with an era in the mid 2’s.. i’ll take my chances.. though the use of the closer always pisses me off.. its a 1 run game in the 8th inning facing 2-3-4 and you bring in nelson instead of gregg? get outta here with that shit man.. its not some inane ability to get 3 outs against 5-6-7 in the 9th versus 2-3-4 in the 8th.. put your best damn reliever in the game at the most crucial moments..
mizerle06 ok, now I’m really done haiku’ing.
I’m starting to analyze steel beams in haiku in my head.
hawkeye19 mizer, you and mikey talk to yourselves a frightening amount
do you answer too?
mikeychx @ hawk
i just got back from tthe bathroom…i was in there telling myself jokes ive never heard before…and of course, i was laughing my ass off
sportsgal116 Oh. My. God. What a shocker! Pinella wants to use Cotts tonight even though he hasn’t played him in over a week! I guarantee he comes in and pitches like shit.
Hef You know, they say you shouldn’t kick a dead horse, but I think it’s worse to kick a live horse. A dead horse won’t kick you back.
/oh yeah, you’re all still strahan
stigs gal was 25
when the berlin wall fell down
now she’s undisclosed
+1 fetch. hilarious
stigs i don’t really like cats. thanks though. i’ll be here with my bottle if anyone needs me.
Hef Why is he being a bitch? He’s not happy his team is losing so he’s being a bitch? That’s stupid logic.
sportsgal116 No, because he plus 1′d fetch for calling me old. Do you even read the comments, hef?
stigs not the haiku’s again. i was late and wanted to get one in. for the record, i’m not crying. and i’m not a dick.
mikeychx those arent really tears
being a bitch is not me
and im not a dick
if youre gonna play the game play it right stigs
Hef He plus 1′d Fetch for saying something funny. You just happened to be the subject. C’mon, it’s rare that Fetch says something funny, let him bask.
sportsgal116 it’s a haiku, i could only use single syllable insults to make it fit the haiku structure.
stigs not poor. just couldn’t think of anything else on the fly with only one syllable. send money though if you’d like.
mikeychx i fixed it mikey
now shut your fucking pie hole
i own this nice blog
thats how i woulda said it anyways
clown Good job, mikey. you’ve already won the Gheyest Link of 2008 award and it’s only July.
Hef That’s 1, Mikey. You don’t want to get to three.
/this works on my kids. Let’s see if it works on commenters.
Haiku attempt
Saline is the best
When purchased on layaway
Cockeyed stares and all
Quote