There’s Nothing to Click Here

Posted on July 25, 2008 by Hef

I hope you’re not sick of me yet.  I’ve been asked to fill in for everybody since I was on vacation all week and that includes stepping into the very large shoes of one RexKramerCougarBanger.  You’ve all heard the jokes and stories about his preference for ladies that remember first hand the benefits of the New Deal and let me tell you, they’re all true.  Why just last night he called me up to ask me to cover for him because his sweet new lady, Mildred, threw out not only her hip but also her sternum, false teeth and ankle.  I haven’t seen anyone throw out something that bad since Mayor Mallory.  But I’m not judging.  Oh no.  When I turn 46 I hope my life is exactly like Rexy’s.  He really is a role model to us all, especially young Fetch who recently wrote in his diary* “Rex says that I need to be straight forward with my demands at the beginning of the relationship.  So if I want to call them ‘mommy’ and fall asleep nursing at their teet, then I have to explain that early on.”

Listen, I know that this isn’t my forte.  This is Rex’s domain and I’m just a fill in, so I’ll just jump to the good stuff.  Sorry that I have failed you all again.

There’s Nothing to Click Here

The first cuts have been made in the bidding war for the Chicago Cubs and guess who made the cut.  Can you imagine a world where Cubs fans become even more despised than they are this year?  Remember when the Mavs were lovable losers?  Well now they’re laughable losers.  Wouldn’t that be something?  Then again, WGN might start showing more White Sox games if the Cubs became even more unlikable and I’m not on board with that.  Perhaps we could get them to play more A-Team reruns.  Or AirWolf.  I should be a TV exec.

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Ever wondered who the 10/5 guys who have automatic trade veto rights?  Well here’s a complete list.  I know, I know, exciting stuff.  The list also includes all players who have a no trade clause in their contract regardless of tenure.  The names that immediately jump out are Ken Griffey Jr, Todd Helton, and Raul Ibanez.

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A certain Marlins fan celebrates Florida’s loss by dredging up the past.  This is a tasteless move and I for one think it’s hilarious.  Nothing like rubbing your success in the face of the less successful.

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Apparently, the new Nike ads are homophobic.  I don’t know about that.  Roman always talks about getting hit in the face with a balls and he’s not gay.  I mean, it’s not like he would ever admit to any love of another man’s private parts or anything.

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Once again, The Onion captures the pulse of baseball in Milwaukee where fat people are celebrated and viewed as real people instead of scoffed at and mocked like in the rest of America.

*He keeps it hidden in a hollowed out bible like Andy Dufresne

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61 Responses to “There’s Nothing to Click Here”

  1. monkeykong34, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:01 pm Said:

    AIrWolf was a sweet show

  2. sportsgal116, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:21 pm Said:

    Seriously, I don’t get all the Cubs hatred. They don’t win championships so it’s not like they beat “your” team at anything, they play in one of the most historic ball parks in the country, and their broadcasts always have a few eye candy shots. What’s so bad about them? Is it because they have some fans who don’t follow every single baseball team in the MLB?

  3. illformula, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:25 pm Said:

    Is it because they have some fans who annoy every other single baseball fan in the MLB?

    /fixed

  4. Hef, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:26 pm Said:

    I swear to god, before this year, the cubs were in my top five teams that I followed. This 100 year thing has been driving me nuts all season.

  5. Hef, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:27 pm Said:

    Also, a cubs fan killed my father.

  6. sparty, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:29 pm Said:

    it’s been a 100 years?!?

  7. illformula, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:32 pm Said:

    I’m the same way Hef. I can see a snowball effect happening similar to the Red Sox a few years back.

    It’s scary.

  8. spencer096, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:35 pm Said:

    i still think the sox are worse. with the cubs, the fans are everywhere but they just love their team. red sox fans EXPECT you to give a shit about their team, when in actuality, nobody outside of NE really does, and then get pissed when you say they annoy the fuck out of you.

    fuck kevin youkilis and dustin pedroia.

  9. sportsgal116, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:36 pm Said:

    Is it because they have some fans who annoy every other single baseball fan in the MLB?

    beater, you’re trying to tell me that Cubs fans are MORE annoying than Yankees, Red Sox, and Mets fans (to name a few)? Cubs fans who don’t know baseball just drink beer and cheer when their team is up to bat. And you’re a fucking Orioles fan, you don’t even have any interaction with the Cubs! You’re welcome for Andy McPhail.

    And Hef, I live in Chicago and haven’t seen a 100 years reference since the beginning of the season. You must be watching too much ESPN.

  10. sparty, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:39 pm Said:

    yankee fans rule

  11. Hef, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:40 pm Said:

    Sportsgal, I live in PHX, it’s all anybody talks about out here. Cubs fans in PHX are apparently far more annoying than Cubs fans in Chicago. Maybe these assholes feel they need to be more annoying since they have to constantly prove their fanhood.

  12. illformula, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:45 pm Said:

    SG, you’re right. I’m terribly sorry. I hope your Cubbies win the WS, Steve Bartman dies and Harry Carey is resurrected and becomes the next US President.

    /fingers crossed

  13. stigs, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:45 pm Said:

    i totally agree they are worse in PHX. i went to Ho Ho Kam and it was fucking obnoxious. we figured we could get tickets at the gate’s for $7 like the other Spring Training stadiums. we ended up almost scalping them for $60 a piece but then we snuck in. fuck the transplanted cubs fans.

  14. romanwarhelmet, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:46 pm Said:

    Sportsgal…it is because your fan base relishes the idea of being lovable losers…that is completely and totally unacceptable…it makes me sick..to celebrate a history of losing is disgusting…you are “the Second City” or whatever act like it…

  15. romanwarhelmet, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:48 pm Said:

    OH and what you did that Bartman guy was out of line…what about the two other schmucks going for the ball..one of whom yelled a Bartman afterward…How about Alou making the fucking play..how about your best two pitchers shutting down the Marlins at home…it’s disgraceful

  16. sportsgal116, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:49 pm Said:

    First of all, it’s Harry CARAY!

    Second, I think former Chicago residents and Cubs fans always feel like they have to prove they’re not bandwagon fans, hence the obnoxiousness.

    Third, you would be completely unlikeable if it wasn’t for your adorable puppy.

  17. Hef, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:50 pm Said:

    That’s his daughter, sg.

  18. Hef, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:51 pm Said:

    Just kidding, ill.

  19. illformula, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:51 pm Said:

    +1JS Hef

  20. sparty, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:52 pm Said:

    RWH-don’t forget the shortstop booting an inning ending dp….

    “Second, I think former Chicago residents and Cubs fans always feel like they have to prove they’re not bandwagon fans, hence the obnoxiousness. ”

    how is that different from Red Sox fans?

  21. illformula, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:54 pm Said:

    When December rolls around, do we have to give out Jew Stars 13 at a time?

  22. sportsgal116, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:54 pm Said:

    Roman, don’t take the high and mighty road about what Cubs fans did to Bartman when you come on this site and have 1000 word diatribes about the Mets players you want to kill. Give me a fucking break. The intial reaction was hatred towards the guy, EVERYONE is over it.

    Nobody here likes to play the loveable loser card, so don’t act like you’re a fucking expert on Chicago baseball. Just because people in New York and Boston are miserable when their teams lose and can’t get over it doesn’t mean the rest of the country has to act like you.

  23. spencer096, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:54 pm Said:

    sparty…non-obnoxious accent and less douchey behavior.

  24. thenug, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:55 pm Said:

    Duff Man > Bartman > the Simpson’s Bartman

    /Southsider

  25. clown, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:57 pm Said:

    I’m a lovable loser. Every day, my daughter tells me she loves me and my wife calls me a loser.

  26. thenug, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:58 pm Said:

    I think it’s cute how Hef spells Phoenix, PHX. LOL.

    /HannaMontanaGrl6969

  27. sparty, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:58 pm Said:

    +1 clown.

  28. romanwarhelmet, on July 25th, 2008 at 1:58 pm Said:

    SG…WELLLLLLLL…first off Carlos Delgado never had to move because I booed him..Steve Bartman did because of death threats…and all that stupid trumped up shit in the media you love to pick on NY and Boston for…is the same shit we hear about Chicago..HBO did a fucking thing on it last year…and I can take the high and mighty road when ever I fucking please so nah nah nah nah nah…NAHHHHH

  29. clown, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:00 pm Said:

    Roman just threw his glass of wine on sportsgal’s shirt.

  30. illformula, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:01 pm Said:

    Damnit Sparty, you cost me the lead in JS.

  31. cortes01, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:03 pm Said:

    i dont HATE the cubs.. i just laugh at their misery while turning around and seeing pictures of josh beckett and jack mckeon celebrating championship numero dos..

    // i’m such an asshole

  32. romanwarhelmet, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:03 pm Said:

    The Cabrenet runs a little more Red today my friend…

  33. stigs, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:05 pm Said:

    illformula and clown are in a race to see who gets the first red star. that’s going to be a great day here.

  34. sportsgal116, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:08 pm Said:

    Oh, I see, apparently every single Cubs fan made a death threat against Steve Bartman. By the way, the guy moved because he was 28 and living with his parents. HBO did ONE special on the Cubs losing. They also did one on Boston, and there have been countless specials on the Yankees. What the fuck is your point?

  35. sparty, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:08 pm Said:

    sorry ill. i know exactly how he feels.

  36. stigs, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:10 pm Said:

    28 and still living with his parents? i didn’t know Bartman was a blogger?

  37. sparty, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:10 pm Said:

    “and there have been countless specials on the Yankees. What the fuck is your point?”

    they have won 26 Championships and 39 Pennants and and 47 playoff appearances. that helps in the PR department.

  38. romanwarhelmet, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:11 pm Said:

    my point is….This Chicago shit is shoved down my throat ad nauseam..The same what the Red Sox and Yankee stuff is shoved down yours .I don’t like the Red Sox either…the fact that your ballpark is your biggest star is silly…and just like you hate everything about the Mets and never read it…The Cub stuff makes me sick as well…because it is always the same story..

    Remember you are on the inside looking out…I am on the outside looking in…when the role is reversed you don’t like what you see from me..I don’t like what i see from you (the fanbase not you specifically)

  39. illformula, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:15 pm Said:

    These comments are turning into posts.

  40. clown, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:15 pm Said:

    sportsgal, why do you get so heated, especially today? Aren’t you about to go on the LezBoat? You should be thinking happy thoughts.

  41. monkeykong34, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:17 pm Said:

    I am sick of hearing people complain about how sick they are about people complaining about their teams. All yalls suck. I would like to see the Cubs win the series if only to see if they could set the record for most cars set on fire or flipped over. At least until the Phillies win their next WS

  42. monkeykong34, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:18 pm Said:

    mmm LezBoat

  43. sparty, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:19 pm Said:

    ah the phillies. that is the ace in the hole everyone. If the Phillies ever win again, or any team in that city, it will suck to have to listen to them more than ANYone.

  44. illformula, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:20 pm Said:

    Sparty, even more than the NYFG fans?

  45. monkeykong34, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:21 pm Said:

    Isn’t that one of the signs of the apocalypse? The world would explode if the Phillies, Eagles, 76′ers and Flyers ever won in the same year

  46. sparty, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:25 pm Said:

    ill-i know you are all sick of seeing World Champion New York Football Giants on these threads, but there are people in this area that are still shocked that they won the title. Now beagle fans? i couldn’t deal with it.

  47. spencer096, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:26 pm Said:

    ah the phillies. that is the ace in the hole everyone. If the Phillies ever win again, or any team in that city, it will suck to have to listen to them more than ANYone.

    do you have any idea how annoying i’ll be when a cleveland team wins something?

    oh, wait, they’ll never win…you have nothing to worry about.

  48. sparty, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:27 pm Said:

    but you’re cute spence. ; )

  49. illformula, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:28 pm Said:

    Monkey, the last of those 4 championships would be played with fire in the sky.

  50. sportsgal116, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:28 pm Said:

    Shoved down your throat?! Seriously, what shows are you watching that you see constant coverage on the Cubs or their fans? If it’s ESPN, then that’s your problem. I rarely, if ever, watch ESPN because their coverage is horrible.

    Every fucking time the Cubs are brought up on this site, it’s to make fun of their fans or to bash the organization. I would LOVE to read something different, but apparently the writers for this site aren’t creative enough to come up with anything else.

    P.S. I don’t hate the Mets, I just don’t care about them. Big difference.

  51. sparty, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:30 pm Said:

    SG-what other channel are we suppose to watch for national sports coverage? Fox Sports? one can only take so many Top 50 Best Damn Catches.

  52. sportsgal116, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:36 pm Said:

    I read sites like Yahoo and SI for my national sports coverage. Either way, it’s not like Cubs fans love having the Bartman incident shoved down our throats either, so don’t act like the City of Chicago is begging ESPN to do pieces on the Century of Losing or shit like that.

    Clown, I didn’t start off angry, I asked a question about why there’s always Cubs bashing on this site. Roman made a shitty, so I got pissed. My happy LezBoat thoughts will occur after I’m done working.

  53. sportsgal116, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:37 pm Said:

    ha ha, Roman made a shitty!

    That was supposed to say made a shitty COMMENT, but it’s funnier without the “comment” in there.

  54. romanwarhelmet, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:38 pm Said:

    How about every Fox baseball broadcast or TBS SUnday afternoon game?..and not watch ESPN? Really? OK. How about Sports Illustrated that is delivered to my house every week? How about Newsday (a Tribune Company) linking articles? How about every TBL, Deadspin and every other fucking blog I read that does baseball. How about here every fucking day with you and Mikey? Always about the fucking Cubs..seriously..You are missing all of this? Really..oh thats tight..you are living it and enjoy it because it is about you.

  55. illformula, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:38 pm Said:

    Work is overrated.

  56. romanwarhelmet, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:40 pm Said:

    And my comment was not shitty…it was pissy…

  57. clown, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:44 pm Said:

    My happy LezBoat thoughts have already begun….

  58. sportsgal116, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:51 pm Said:

    Oh I see, apparently the team with the best record in the NL shouldn’t get ANY coverage, huh? The Cubs weren’t mentioned in Yardwork today, I have Sports Illustrated and this week’s magazine has ZERO articles on the Cubs, and the two lead headlines on Yahoo’s MLB page are about the Mets and Yankee stadium.

    I really love the 5 paragraph column Hef had on TBL bashing Cubs fans. I also love the jab he took at the Cubs over their possible new ownership. It’s AWESOME to have illformula, you, cortes, whodey, spence and stigs constantly talking about how much the Cubs and their fans suck.

  59. Hef, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:53 pm Said:

    I just want to be able to see Air Wolf again.

  60. clown, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:54 pm Said:

    for Hef:

    http://www.hulu.com/videos/search?query=airwolf

  61. Hef, on July 25th, 2008 at 2:55 pm Said:

    sweet god in heaven. Clown, you’re like water for chocolate. Please forgive me all the jokes I thought up but didn’t write about your unfortunate situation (you know, that you’re [whispering] mexican).

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