Quality Start: Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!

Legend has it that in Vegas, back in the day, a chicken dinner cost around 2 bucks. A standard bet was also 2 bucks. When you won a bet, people would yell, “Winner winner chicken dinner!”. Win enough of those bets, and the strippers would be glued to your side and blowing on your dice looking for the hard seven. Win some more, and you could re-enact the famous scene in Harold & Kumar when NPH did blow off of a strippers ass [Ed. note: only try that if you have a stunt stripper, believe you me]. Fans of a couple teams were dancing in streets last night after some clutch walk-off performances.

Cubs 7, Braves 2: The Braves were just not in it today after hearing Smoltz may be done for his career. Jar Jurjjens tripped inside the clubhouse and couldn’t make his start. Glavine may go on the DL. The Braves have been cursed ever since Leo Mazzone left the team. But they found a way to break the hearts of Cubs fans when a Jeff Bennett fastball broke the hand of Alfonso Soriano. We’re only in mid-June, but I gather Cubbie fans are already kicking goats and beating the shit out of anyone who resembles Steve Bartman.

Red Sox 6, Orioles 3: Colon got the win and Papelbon notched the save. It made me queasy just typing that sentence. All over Boston, men are making proctologist appointments and women are lining up for a pap smear.

Cardinals 10, Reds 3: Cy Young* tossed a CG 3-hit shutout using only 98 pitches. Bruce and Janish had a couple cute singles and… wow, Griffey even made it to second base that one time! *Brandon Fuckin Looper!?!?!

Rockies 1, Giants 0: Tim Lincecum said fuck you to Eddie Volquez and showed why he should start the All-Star Game by pounding out 9 K’s over 7 shutout innings. The Rockies won with a Walk-Off Sac-Fly in the 9th.

LAAofA 4, TBR 2: Are the Rays coming back down to earth? Is the honeymoon over? No? Can I legally answer a question WITH a question? The Rays have just played the BoSox, Rangers and Angels and lost 6 of 9, yet remain 10 games over .500 and 3 out of first place. Aside from the division leaders, they are the best team out there. The rest of the month is tough with 6 games against the feisty Marlins and 3 against the Cubs. Perhaps I should ask these questions come the All-Star break? Why did Nordberg say “I Love You”? Where the hell am I?

Cousins of Ron Mexico’s Game of the Night. Marlins 6, Phillies 2: The Marlins showed the first place Phils that this division will not be easy to win. For 8 innings, both pitchers were brilliant. Cole Hamels gave up 3 hits (2 of them homers by Jorge Cantu) and struck out 13 Marlins (3 each by Uggla, Helms and Treanor). The Marlins swung and missed at almost everything this game. Andrew Miller showed why the Marlins traded for him by tossing 7 innings and gave up 4 measly hits while whiffing 7. The Phils tied it at 2 in the 9th, but couldn’t bang home the lead. Enter Tom Gordon. The Marlins suddenly showed some patience as they held back from his curve balls in the dirt. With the count 3-1 to Dan Uggla, Gordon seemed to underhand a fastball and the Spotted Australian Owl cranked it into the left field seats for the Walk Off Grand Slam. Winner winner chicken dinner! (All relatives of Ron Mexico can blow it out their ass.)

RomanWarHelmet’s Game of the Night. Mets 5, D-Backs 3 (13 innings): The Mets took the early lead with 3 in the first. Pelfrey cruised along for 8 innings, striking out 8 and allowing only 5 hits. Enter Sandman!!! With 2 outs and 2 men on, he coughed up a tying homer to Mark Reynolds. I think it was at this point Roman morphed into the Hulk and threw his TV out of the window. Luckily his wife was able to tie him down and shove some Xanax down his throat. His wife gleefully cheered as Beltran knocked a Walk Off Homer in the 13 inning, saving the Helmet household from another 911 incident.