Dan Haren is Good…AND THE SOX LOST!!!

So I was laying around, being a lazy slacker, trippin’ balls and I decided to watch some baseball, but the Tribe wasn’t on.  So what did I do?  I watched the Red Sox game on ESPN.  Notice I said Red Sox game, not Red Sox and D-Backs game, just Red Sox game, and why is that?  Easy, because the NL is a joke, and until they sack up and get a 9th hitter in their lineup who can actually hit instead of some little Chan Ho, they’ll always be the little brother regardless if they win or not.

/Asshole

Anyways, last night was the tits for a variety of reasons.  First off, the Red Sox lost, which is always pimp.  Why do I get excited when the Red Sox lose?  Easy, because they’re a bunch of, and pardon my Freedom, slack jawed poofters.  Perhaps if Kevin Youklis didn’t spend entire at bats jerking off his bat and Jonathan Papelbon acted like a normal person instead of some deranged non-lovable retard, they’d be easier to root for.  Oh, that and the whole Masshole thing, but that’s to be expected.  Anyways, how the fuck could you root for a team with Papelbon included?  He’s like MLB’s version of Paul Pierce, an ugly, disgusting, piece of shit who God somehow gave some cool physical gifts to, yet they still manage to piss everyone off and look so unaesthetically pleasing that the game is tarnished whenever they appear.

But I digress, yesterday was all about Dan Haren and his STUFF FROM HELL!!!  Seriously, how does that guy still have wrists?  Shit was dropping like 5 feet and none of those pussy ass Red Sox had any idea what was coming their way.  Sure, Beckett was good, but he’s a douchebag on a Papelbonian level, so I don’t really want to talk about that asshole.  Haren’s stuff gave me nightmares, it scared me to watch.  It was like watching an MLB version of The Ring only without the glee watching a bunch of emo kids get butchered.  Was that The Ring? Who knows, all I know is I hate emo kids.

Haren’s curveball could sink a German U-Boat.  His splitter could circumcise Jamie Lee Curtis.  His fastball, well, it wasn’t really anything special, but those queer Red Sox had no idea it was coming while they swung at it feebly, like an old man trying to fight me off while I was stealing his wallet.  Fuck the Red Sox.

You know, Haren pitched great and everything, and it was a great way to spend the 30 minutes Mary Jane actually effects me anymore, but that wasn’t the best part of the game.  The best part was watching all those asshole Red Sox that nobody can stand; you know, Veritek, Youkilis, Pedroia, get absolutely smoked.  Even ManRam wasn’t on top of his shit, actually pussed out big time by acting like a ball that hit the handle of the bat hit him in his hand.

See, I love seeing people I hate get embarassed.  It’s awesome.  I saw this kid who made fun of me in grade school for being fat at a bar a few weekends ago, and I HATED this kid back in the day.  But why do I remember this encounter?  Because he was a fat fuck with no job and a receding hairline, and I felt justified that this douche was going bald at 24.  Same thing with the Red Sox, anytime they lose, it’s must watch TV, like the asshole kid from 5th grade who turned into a sunt loser.

And to top it all off…that bitch Youkilis (tho, keep hitting, you’re on both my fantasy teams) takes a WICKED hop to the eye and has to leave.  HAHA.  Go fuck yourself you bitch.  Go back to Cincinnati with all the other retarded, bear fuckers like Nick.  Cincinnati…Ohio’s swollen prostate.  The only thing I love more than seeing assholes lose, is assholes lose and get hurt.

So between watching the Red Sox get their shit packed in by Señor Haren, Youkilis getting jacked in the face and Beckett get a hard-luck loss, I think it’s safe to say I had a good TV evening, well for at least a couple of hours.  The only thing that could’ve made it better was if I had some better chronic, or a BJ from Giada DeLaurentis, or that sandwich they made in Spanglish, ok it could’ve been a lot better, but at least the Sox lost and that’s all that really matters.