Under the Lights: When Will Our Long National League Nightmare End

Posted on June 26, 2008 by Hef

See what I did there?  Gerald Ford quotes are awesome.  Especially when I add a word and make it about baseball.  You people really should be paying me money to entertain you or I’ll just take the funny and go home.  Seriously, I could be spending more time making my family laugh instead of giving it away for free to complete strangers.  You people know the email, go ahead send some paypal to it.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.

There were six early games today but I don’t have the time nor inclination to talk about them right now.  I’ll leave that up to you in our amazing comment section (which is always dedicated exclusively to baseball talk and never veers off course into the realm of sexuality).

There’s only four games tonight and here they are in a particular order that you can guess at.  The correct answer wins something worthwhile:

Giants/Indians: The Indians are the worst team in the 2nd worst division in baseball.  But they’re making an effort to make it the worst division by getting swept by the Giants tonight.  Clifford Lee faces Matt Cain.

Reds/Blue Jays: NL Cy Young Candidate (and probably the leader of the candidates) Edinson Volquez pitches tonight facing upstart Jesse Litsch.  I’ll be watching as these two teams toil the endless battle of June baseball in their attempt to overcome mediocrity and fight the good fight to the very end despite a predetermined conclusion that prevents either from making the postseason.  That was my rendition of blogging for drama queens.  Tune in next week.

Yankees/Pirates: In their first trip back to Pittsburgh since the 1960 WS, the Yankees have tied the series and are looking for sweet revenge for that title they couldn’t capture.  The ghost of Bill Mazeroski still hauntst this team, it’s obvious as they enter the field of play and when they step into the batter’s box.  Sure, this a completely different stadium and none of the players were born when it happened and half of them wouldn’t know who Mazeroski was if given an encyclopedia and magnifying glass but this is meaningless.  History and drama are all we have.  Without them, we’re nothing but savages.  Mussina face Maholm.

Rangers/Astros: It’s the Silver Star Invitational and since neither of these teams were doing anything important (GM strangling notwithstanding) they figured they’d play some meaningless baseball during the season’s doldrums.  I think I might need to write a post about how June is the shittiest baseball month.  I hope it hasn’t been done before.  Millwood faces Rodriguez.

Filed under: Under the Lights | Tagged: , , ,

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122 Responses to “Under the Lights: When Will Our Long National League Nightmare End”

  1. stalkingerinandrews, on June 26th, 2008 at 3:05 pm Said:

    Hef, SG was right. Neil Cotts pitched today, therfore, the Cubs lost.

  2. stalkingerinandrews, on June 26th, 2008 at 3:09 pm Said:

    Oh, the games are listed in order of which NL team sucks the hardest. Giants, Reds, Pirates, Astros, in that order. And the only reason the Astros are last is because their GM was given an external tonsillectomy.

  3. Gonzo, on June 26th, 2008 at 3:17 pm Said:

    external tonsilectomy. That’s better than a vasectamy.

  4. Gonzo, on June 26th, 2008 at 3:30 pm Said:

    Hef, I’m going to stare at the team names for the next 7 hours. Please don’t put me thru this torture. What’s the answer.

  5. August West, on June 26th, 2008 at 3:42 pm Said:

    At least we know the Astros have a some fight in them!

    Chacon is and always will be a twat with a hat-style that’s embarrassing even to retards.

    Wandy Rodriguez, however, is my favorite pitcher not named Oswalt in all of baseball… hope he’s nails tonight (and he usually is at home).

  6. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 3:49 pm Said:

    Even though I had to go onto IE to do it, I finally was able to log in. I’m going to guess either that A. The Giants and Indians are geographically farthest apart and it gets closer with each game mentioned or B. It has something to do with the last time one of the two teams played in the WS?

  7. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 3:50 pm Said:

    The answer is C) Hef is full of teh gay.

  8. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 4:08 pm Said:

    clown, you’re a hip-hop guy. what’s your thoughts on Moment of Truth from Gang starr?

    man, all these games really suck tonight. that’s the order.

  9. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 4:52 pm Said:

    This lineup of games sucks. And the NBA draft is gheyer than Strahan. And stigs got the answer right: the games were ordered by crappiness.

  10. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 4:53 pm Said:

    Hef the draft isn’t gay. Tonight I figure out what NBA team I’m a fan of.

  11. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 5:01 pm Said:

    You’re right, Fetch. But the Celtics winning means that I’ve sworn off the NBA for a year.

  12. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 5:01 pm Said:

    Kevin Love went 5th??? The Grizzlies love white people.

  13. sportsgal116, on June 26th, 2008 at 5:26 pm Said:

    Hef, aka Bruce HEFfernan wrote an incredible op ed piece!

  14. spencer096, on June 26th, 2008 at 5:33 pm Said:

    who’s excited for the FedEx Cup? don’t all talk at once now.

  15. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 5:45 pm Said:

    This is ridiculous, I just want to know who my NBA team is going to be. Cmon, Jazz!

    Spence, the correct answer is nobody

  16. Size Queen, on June 26th, 2008 at 6:28 pm Said:

    Already in the books, O’s STOMP the Cubbies to win the series!

  17. NickP, on June 26th, 2008 at 6:46 pm Said:

    Okay, Hef…never let that wordpress error happen again.

  18. NickP, on June 26th, 2008 at 6:47 pm Said:

    @sportsgal: http://thebiglead.com/?p=6443#comment-201067

  19. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 6:55 pm Said:

    I feel like Darrell Arthur right now.

  20. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:02 pm Said:

    Because you’re all alone?

  21. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:12 pm Said:

    because i’m still waiting to see what my team is going to be. I might have to adopt Portland though.

  22. NickP, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:12 pm Said:

    That’s what she said.

  23. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:13 pm Said:

    Nick, try alternating between “that’s what she said” and “I got your _________ right here.” It’s really satisfying (twss).

  24. NickP, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:14 pm Said:

    @Hef: In true saber fashion, that’s exactly what I am doing. I’m using a random # generator to decide which to use. It just so happens the first 75,013 times it’s come up “TWSS.”

  25. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:16 pm Said:

    Those odds are astounding.

  26. NickP, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:20 pm Said:

    This is a lame under the lights.

    Clear your cookies, n00bs

  27. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:22 pm Said:

    Yeah, for everyone having trouble. Go to “Tools.” Go to “clear private data.” Clear cookies and cache. Go to another site and then come back. You should be able to log in then. n00bs.

  28. NickP, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:24 pm Said:

    And buy T-shirts too.

  29. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:25 pm Said:

    I’m wearing mine right now

  30. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:25 pm Said:

    And I look so goddamn good right now.

  31. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:26 pm Said:

    I opted for the blue baseball jersey one. It’s glorious.

  32. mizerle06, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:45 pm Said:

    I actually get to hang out with the under the lights crowd and nobody is talking dirty or hurling insults or nothin’. I’m very disappointed.

  33. mizerle06, on June 26th, 2008 at 7:49 pm Said:

    ‘night ladies…

  34. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:00 pm Said:

    HOORAY…I fully blame hef for this

  35. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:01 pm Said:

    I have been discussing college basketball and LeBron at TBL..I feel like a crack addict huffing glue..I needed a fix

  36. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:02 pm Said:

    Yeah!!!! T Wolves ForEVAR!!!!!1111!!one!!eleven!!

    /never gets old

  37. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:03 pm Said:

    oh come the fuck on..where the hell is everybody..come on..SG…nipples..old..fetch..cows..hef Jew come I need what..COME ON!!!!!!!!

  38. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:03 pm Said:

    fetch..you’re here thank god

  39. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:04 pm Said:

    Roman you are currently on my SG-style shit list.

  40. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:06 pm Said:

    I am sorry..I am glad you guy got picked…

  41. mizerle06, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:07 pm Said:

    just kidding, didn’t go to bed. roman, was it you that mentioned “washing the dog” earlier? I never figured out what that was. I know about the rust trombone and dirty sanchez.

  42. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:08 pm Said:

    fetch..Chalmers is in a bad spot…he needed to be on a good team as a 15 minute points and defense guy off the bench..he would have a 15 year career

  43. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:08 pm Said:

    miz..I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about

  44. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:10 pm Said:

    “Washing the Dog” was Rexy’s. I think it’s a cougar thang.

  45. mizerle06, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:10 pm Said:

    ahhh, nevermind. I’m too lazy to look up who said it. anywho, CDR has been picked so I’m actually hittin’ the hay now. later, brah.

  46. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:12 pm Said:

    good night panzy

  47. mizerle06, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:14 pm Said:

    ^pansy

    /fixed because I’m a grammer bitch

  48. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:15 pm Said:

    sorry roman, i was finishing QS, but I think Chalmers will have a big career anyways, Hollinger rated him the 2nd best PG in the draft

  49. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:17 pm Said:

    hollinger has been known to be wrong in the past

  50. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:18 pm Said:

    well that’s true. I’m gonna play the homer card and hope he’s right

  51. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:20 pm Said:

    Sorry guys, it’s almost 8:30 here at god’s time. I’m gonna close the door and turn out the lights. You guys can hang our here with the lights off if you want to.

  52. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:22 pm Said:

    thanks hef. that wouldn’t be creepy or anything.

  53. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:23 pm Said:

    Am I going to have to make old man jokes for you as well?

  54. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:23 pm Said:

    bye Hefag

  55. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:30 pm Said:

    I’m just kidding. I’m making the wife put the kids to bed. I’m working on amazing posts for tomorrow. You guys are doing what exactly? Measuring each other’s erections?

  56. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:36 pm Said:

    Hey now, I did two posts today. And I have a great idea for one coming up. Although I might be the only person who thinks it’s good.

  57. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:44 pm Said:

    Roman: let’s discard our convo and discuss how the Miami Heat are the best team in basketball.

  58. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:47 pm Said:

    Fetch.great deal to Miami..thats is a perfect fit…Sasha Kaun…Seattle..nice

  59. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:48 pm Said:

    Fuck the Heat. There’s your discussion.

  60. romanwarhelmet, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:50 pm Said:

    Ok..its 11:48 US Standard time..I am going to sleepy..later bitches

  61. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:51 pm Said:

    I guarantee Darnell Jackson makes the Heat roster as well. And fortunately, Chalmers should start there next year. I need to buy the NBA season pass or whatever. And Sasha probably won’t ever play in the NBA, although he’d be decent interior defense for a team that needs it really badly.

  62. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:51 pm Said:

    clown how dare you talk about my favorite team of 5 minutes that way.

  63. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:51 pm Said:

    Roman, don’t forget to pee before you go to sleep!

  64. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:58 pm Said:

    Fetch, I thought the timberwolves were your favorite team.

  65. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 8:59 pm Said:

    hef, they were for an hour. then there was a trade. get ready for chalmers, wade, marion, beasley, and some random 5th guy. as well as darnell jackson, my second favorite player, off the bench.

  66. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:00 pm Said:

    Chalmers immediately starts for an NBA team? Oh, it’s the Heat - I could see that.

  67. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:02 pm Said:

    chalmers is going to be very good, mark it down. He maybe had the best range of anyone this draft, and he was the best perimiter defender in the draft

  68. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:02 pm Said:

    fetchie boy, North Dakoter doesn’t have a hoops squad?

  69. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:03 pm Said:

    gordon has got some serious range. i wanted the bucks to get him. then i could get back into following the NBA.

  70. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:04 pm Said:

    Yeah well the suns drafted the second best guy in his own family.

  71. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:05 pm Said:

    Stigs, you’re gonna love TBL fave Alexander. He has the most massive ups in the history of legs.

  72. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:05 pm Said:

    clown, our team was the 6th best team in our conference, in division 2. now that we’re going D1 I have no idea what’s going to happen.

  73. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:06 pm Said:

    Hef, when do the Suns get rid Lopez?

  74. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:07 pm Said:

    So you won’t like them until they win, fetch? I like your style.

  75. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:07 pm Said:

    hef, did you watch the draft. the lopez twins are so fucking dumb. how did they get into stanford? and their mom’s as dumb as they are. and their father is clown.

    clown. alexander is pretty rowdy. but bucks just got Richard Jefferson today and they can play the same position.

  76. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:08 pm Said:

    clown to be honest the only team i like at our school is the hockey team. I’m only going there cause it’s free my friend.

    who’s your favorite NBA team, by the way.

  77. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:09 pm Said:

    I heard the Lopez twins interviewing with Eric Kuselias this morning and I seriously thought it was a prank call. They sounded like a unintentionally bad impersonation of Jeff Spicoli.

  78. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:10 pm Said:

    Mavericks, baby! Dirk is my boy.

  79. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:11 pm Said:

    Ha! We kicked your ASS in the finals!

    /was rooting for the Mavs that series.

  80. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:11 pm Said:

    they good one i think is way dumber. after NJ selected him, he was asking “who is their managment?” then he asked who the coach was? and someone was like “Lawrence Frank?” and he repeated it and was like “Lawrence Frank” in the dumbest possible voice.

  81. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:15 pm Said:

    I know nothing about either of them? They aren’t white are they?

  82. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:15 pm Said:

    stigs, you going on the trip with that chick this weekend?

  83. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:16 pm Said:

    Lopez twins are half-white. Actually, on behalf of all Hispanics, they are 100% white. “Brook” and “Robin”? Jeezus.

  84. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:19 pm Said:

    the mom gave them girls names. my friend and i were watching the draft and making all kinds of girl name jokes. i wish Robin was the dude stuck in the green room all night, and not darrell arthur.

    yeah, i’m going on that trip. bring on the insults. its only supposed to storm while we’ll be canoeing 35 miles. powerful WEAK!

  85. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:20 pm Said:

    They sound like a couple of chicks. Brook and Robin? Weren’t they on Wild On E!?

  86. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:20 pm Said:

    stigs wins. Damn

  87. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:20 pm Said:

    Stigs what time is your post going up tomorrow (nudge)?

  88. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:21 pm Said:

    Jules Asner = underrated hottie

  89. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:23 pm Said:

    I never know any of these new girls names. I should start reading porn. Or Maxim which is porn for pansies.

  90. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:23 pm Said:

    i don’t konw. i’ll pick a time when i get it done. i won’t be around at all so you can move it to when ever.

    hef, what do think of this bitch from ASU on the Real World. i think she sucks at life almost as much as the dumb blond chick.

  91. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:27 pm Said:

    stigs the dumb blond chick is a fox…who’s the one from ASU?

  92. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:29 pm Said:

    the brunette. think her name is Sarah.

  93. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:29 pm Said:

    oh ok. i’m not impressed with her. the blond tho, hot damn.

  94. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:30 pm Said:

    I have never watched an episode of the real world. I think that’s why I’m so much smarter than all of you. Especially clown.

  95. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:30 pm Said:

    she’s straight but so annoying. i can’t stand her.

  96. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:32 pm Said:

    um, wrong. you learn things. i learned their is a Walter Cronkite school of broadcasting or journalism at ASU. at least thats what the bitch said.

  97. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:32 pm Said:

    Never, Hef? Did you grow up without cable or something?

  98. fetch, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:33 pm Said:

    I learned I would cut my arm off for the southern chick.

  99. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:33 pm Said:

    clown, did you see my question up above? are you a Gang Starr fan?

  100. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:34 pm Said:

    There is a Walter Cronkite school of broadcasting and journalism at ASU. So yes, you did learn something.

    And yes, I didn’t have cable until I moved out on my own when I was 18. We were poor.

  101. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:35 pm Said:

    Not my favorite or anything, but I respect them. Guru’s probably the only good thing to ever come out of Boston.

  102. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:37 pm Said:

    yeah. i was listening ot Moment of Truth earlier. i wanted to konw your take. Guru is official. and boston hip-hop sucks balls minus them.

  103. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:37 pm Said:

    Cronkite is a Longhorn. How dare they use his name over there in AZ!

    We didn’t get cable until I was about 11. I went to school with rich kids and they always made fun of me about it. That, and because I ate my boogers.

  104. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:41 pm Said:

    thats what i thought. i was wondering why they had the WC school there. Hef, you know? He from AZ? i didn’t have cable til kinda late either. but i didn’t watch much tv growings up.

  105. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:42 pm Said:

    Cronkite’s from AZ.

    I grew up in Scottsdale which is ritzy except the part of town I grew up on. We were really poor but I went to an affluent school (for the most part).

  106. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:45 pm Said:

    people were calling it snobsdale when i was there. dudes were making fun of us for wearing sandals in line to get in some bars. it was kinda lame. hopefully it made them feel good. it seemed pretty ritzy.

  107. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:45 pm Said:

    My parents did alright, but they busted ass to put me thru private school. Looking back on it, I appreciate it a lot more - mostly because I realize I wouldn’t have played sports if I went to a bigass public school.

  108. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:46 pm Said:

    hef, did you grow up by the freeway?

  109. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:47 pm Said:

    Now, my parents are ballers and live in a sweet neighborhood and my 12 year old sister is spoiled as hell like the kids I grew up with. Good times.

  110. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:47 pm Said:

    clown, what sports did you play? i went to public school. i played baseball and hockey. do you guys know what hockey is?

  111. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:49 pm Said:

    my parents are ballin too. but they worked hard and still do. they tried to teach me work ethic and all that shit at a yound age. but i think i forgot it somewhere along the way.

  112. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:50 pm Said:

    I played baseball and football 3 years and basketball all 4 years.

    Hockey, huh? I’ve heard of it. That’s the one with Brian Boitano, right?

  113. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:50 pm Said:

    hef, did you grow up by the freeway?

    Is that a joke? Yes. But it wasn’t built until I was like 15.

  114. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:52 pm Said:

    it was kind of a joke. not like haha. but just lightening the mood. i thought stereotyping is what we do here. at least i didn’t say airport.

  115. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:55 pm Said:

    I lived right next to the edge of town, across the street from the indian reservation.

  116. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:58 pm Said:

    How big is Scottdale? I thought it was a lil ole’ suburb.

  117. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:59 pm Said:

    It’s about fifteen/twenty miles north to south, but only about three miles across.

  118. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 9:59 pm Said:

    About 300,000 people

  119. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 10:00 pm Said:

    sorry, 240,000. Here:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scottsdale,_Arizona

  120. stigs, on June 26th, 2008 at 10:01 pm Said:

    clown, PHX area is fucking gigantor.

  121. Hef, on June 26th, 2008 at 10:06 pm Said:

    Night everybody.

  122. clown, on June 26th, 2008 at 10:09 pm Said:

    I’m out too. Holla…

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