Major League Jerk

Dear Mets Pitchers,

I’m a little rusty at this. I haven’t written an open letter since I wrote one to Luis Gonzales almost a month ago. This used to be my thing, you know but I didn’t want to feel like I was returning to the well too often; like I was over doing it with this shtick. But your pitching has inspired me. I feel reborn, rejuvenated. I want to sing from the mountain tops like Julie Andrews. Your lousiness may be the key to the Diamondbacks breaking out of their own slump.

You see, in the last two weeks, going back to May 26th, the Diamondbacks offense has scored 5 runs only once. That’s it. In those two weeks, the team has gone 4-10 and have plummeted back down to Earth after their tremendous start to the season. But last night, oh last night, you went out of your way to remedy their problems. You, oh Mets pitching staff, we’re like a soothing band-aid placed upon the sore boo-boo of offensive ability.

Oh Mets Pitchers, what more can I say?  Last night the Mets had a 5-1 lead going into the 5th inning.  Like I said, this was money in the bank.  But somehow, you just let them back in.  You let them sneak an Orlando Hudson homer in and you let “sparkplug” Augie Ojeda bat in two.  You know what, I want to thank all of you who contributed.  Let’s do this in order so I don’t leave anyone out:

Claudio Vargas: One’s man’s trash is another man’s treasure I guess.  Thank you for walking Mark Reynolds and plunking Justin Upton.  These two are both in the top 5 in strikeout rate in all of the big leagues and are numbers two and three in overall strikeout in all of baseball (behind only Ryan Howard).  Claudio, (can I call you Claudio?) there was no reason to throw the ball anywhere near Justin Upton.  He would have swung at it if you had rolled it up there.  Same thing with Mark.  They both have holes in their swing bigger than the hole in your head (ya burnt!).

Joe Smith: I know very little about you and it’s not your fault that you had to run up against Chris Snyder who is responsible for all four of the Diamondbacks wins in the past two weeks.  Chris Snyder only hits home runs in late innings so we’ll say it’s not completely your fault.

Duaner Sanchez:  It was funny.  Last night, when Willie finally pulled you, the fans were yelling at Willie.  I’m no lip reader but the jist was, “Why are you fucking pulling him now?  You might as well let him stay in and finish the game.  He already blew it.”  Except they’re from New York so there’s an accent in there somewhere.  And I don’t blame them.  It only took you 24 pitches to give up 5 hits and 3 runs, essentially gift wrapping the game for the snakes.  I guess Willie didn’t have enough time to get anyone warmed up.  You came in and gave up a lead off double, and then Stephen Drew homered two batters later.  And then Conor Jackson homered.  And then two more singles.  I think you’re my favorite Mets pitcher ever.  You might be the key that breaks the Diamondbacks out of their funk.

So, thank you all once again.  If you’re interested in what good pitching looks like, Brandon Webb is pitching tonight.  He’s good.  You should try to get his autograph before the game starts.  And then tomorrow is Haren and Santana.  I’ll overnight some pens and paper over so that you can take notes.

Your biggest fan,

Hef

p.s.  Don’t let Roman read this.  He might kill himself or me.