Major League Jerk

It’s Memorial Day so there’s not a doubt in my mind that no one is reading this post. I’m not even reading it. I bought one of those monkeys that types everything I tell him. He’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever owned. Earlier today he banana banana banana banana until we vomited all over ourselves. I swear to god, the next time I go to France, I’m going to feces banana feces feces tail. That’ll show those snobby pricks. Anyway, there’s baseball to discuss. Banana.

Padres 12, Reds 9 (18): I’m sure we’ll hear a thing or two about this game later in the day from a certain red leg enthusiast, but I will say this: Corey Patterson sucks. Dude went 0-8 with three strikeouts and no walks. He did lay down a sac bunt though. Which is nice. I guess.

White Sox 3, Angels 2: I hate Carlos Quentin. Maybe that’s not fair. Maybe I just wonder why his ass couldn’t do this kind of hitting in PHX last year. Maybe I think that if he could have shown even a third of this production last year the Dbacks wouldn’t have signed the Panda to a three year, $30 million dollar deal. Maybe I just don’t like Ozzie Guillen and take it out on Carlos Quentin. Maybe. Anyway, that piece of shit hit two HRs yesterday including a walk off, bringing his total to 14. $30 million dollars.

Rockies 4, Mets 1: I don’t wanna sound queer or nothin’ but I love it when Aaron Cook makes me look smart. Cook scattered 4 hits and only walked 1 in a complete game victory over the hapless Mets (I wonder if Roman is tired of having to write about this team).

Monkey Intern’s Game of the Night: The Phillies flung a shitload of feces all over the Astros last night in beating them 15-6. Chase Utley, Geoff Jenkins and Pat Burrell each homered. Interestingly enough, the Monkey Intern’s games of the night double as Gonzo’s games of the night. Coincidence?

Spence’s Game of the Night: Since today is Memorial Day, games actually mean something from now on. Every win and every loss will have a ripple effect that can make or break the rest of the season. So I’m curious how the tribe responds to this ugly loss to the Rangers. Ben Francisco let an easy ground ball go through his legs allowing Jarrod Saltandpeppershaker score from first in the top of the 10th. Not a pretty game at all. The Tribe dropped 2 of 3 this weekend and the Rangers are now sitting at .500 (??!??).

Stig’s Game of the Night: Besides rooting for the Brewers, there’s only one thing to do in Milwaukee: laugh every time the Cubs lose. So hooray for Milwaukee. Yesterday, Jason Bay helped ease the pain that Guillermo Mota caused by singling in a run in the bottom of the 11th. Alfonso Soriano picked a bad time to record his first error of the season by dropping a lazy fly ball in the bottom of the 9th with two outs. Stigs is no longer on suicide watch.