Major League Jerk

I know I’m late to this story, but I’ve been to busy relishing the moment. You see, last night, Doug Davis came out and kicked the living shit out of the Braves. And he beat cancer. Sorry Jon Lester, but you’re not the only one who can tug at the heart strings of America anymore (too soon?). That crazy, sumabitch went 7 strong innings giving up only 5 measly hits and 1 ER.

Down 1-0 to cancer in the middle of April, Doug Davis reached in their with his own bare hands and ripped out his thyroid. He then looked at the doctor and said, “if you think you’re gonna keep me from pitching for more than six weeks, you got another thing coming, bub.” He then spit his chaw at the spittoon that he has someone carry around for him and it made a perfect “pinggg.” He strolled out of the doctor’s office like the offspring of some Gary Cooper/John Wayne Hybrid.

His toughness helped inspire the Dbacks to break out of their slump and finally hit the goddam ball for once. Said catcher (and avid reader) Chris Snyder “I don’t think I remember shedding a tear, but I did give him a big hug.”

Davis tried to shrug off his ballsy performance, saying “When you get five runs it takes a lot of pressure off.”

His brilliance on the field even inspired the justified awe of the opposing team. Catcher Brian McCann did have this to say on the matter though. “You’re talking about life-threatening stuff. To overcome it and to get back on the field so early, we all in here tip our hats to him. It was a great performance.”

We here at Major League Jerk salute Doug Davis. And have started a new religion celebrating his greatness.