Taken Stolen from Joe Posnanski’s latest blog effort, it’s the Dayton Game:

OK, so Royals general manager Dayton Moore showed me this fun little game you can play with your team. It begins with a scouting question: How many 60 tools does your team have?

[snip]

60 — All-Star Level. Placido Polanco is probably a 60 hitter. I think that Carlos Beltran — when healthy and engaged — has 60 power and 60 speed.

For the laypersons out there, the five tools are: hit for power, hit for average, speed, glove, and arm. Since Poz limited himself to strictly position players, we’ll do the same.

For the Reds:

Speed – Phillips, Freel

Glove – Phillips

Hit for average – Keppinger

Hit for power – Phillips, Dunn

Arm – nada

Thoughts on who’s missing after the bump: Read the rest of this entry »

Washington D.C. May 30th: At 9:44pm on Friday night, Cleveland was once again halted from winning a championship. The Cavaliers were knocked out of the playoffs a couple weeks ago, the Browns didn’t make the playoffs this year, and the Indians (according to Spencer) have been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention (And May isn’t even over). Now, Scott Remer of Cleveland suburb Beechwood, Ohio was ousted from the Scripps National Spelling Bee in the 12th round, on a word that has plagued many Ohioans all of their lives.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hear me out on this one.  Sit down, take a deep breath, focus…Here’s how the Tribe is gonna get back on their feet.  It’ll only cost us a few million $$$, no players, no prospects, no nothin’. 

The solution… Read the rest of this entry »

I fully understand that I haven’t written about the Tribe in awhile…but you know what? Until they pull their fucking heads out of their asses, I’m continuing on this path.

I’m a reasonably successful young individual, something I attribute to a few things: my uncanny ability to bullshit my way out of even the most dire of situations and being able to manipulate people’s thoughts about me in order to take advantage. It’s these two skills that are so very important in life, and can get you through anything with the least amount of effort exuded.

There are a few things to keep in mind when living the lifestyle of a procrastinator, but the most important credo to live your life by is this: make sure there are no loose ends. Nothing screws up some great bullshitting by getting blindsided by anything that can expose you.

For example: in college, I wasn’t fond of showing up to class or taking tests on the day they were assigned. So rather than show up to class to take the date on the scheduled date, I would call in to the teacher EXACTLY 17 minutes prior to the start and say I was involved in a car accident. Why 17 minutes? Because that’s the perfect time when most people would be travelling to school and is close enough to the beginning that the teacher will understand that you’re not likely making it in on time.

That’s step one, step two is selling it. What I did, was save an email I got from a legitimate insurance company, then I’d copy the language, get a .jpeg of a barcode and throw a different company’s logo in the upper right hand, change the name of the agent and the date of the claim, change the number of the case and give it to the teacher and say the KEY phrase, “I wasn’t cited for the accident, as it wasn’t my fault, but I have a copy of the email from the involved party’s insurance company.” Fraud? Of course! Gonna get you in trouble? Highly unlikely. Read the rest of this entry »

As promised in my pissed off ramblings on The Big Lead, I am not going to look at the future former Mets manager to be former just yet. Instead, I am going to look for ways to fix this team so our fearless leader can bring this franchise back to prominence. So today we continue the Major League Jerk mini-series “Fixing the Mets”. My promise is that this will be a reasonable effort to change things, not a ridiculous fan induced trade-o-rama that involve the Mets getting every All-Star available (or maybe not). So today I bring you part three: Cocoon of Optimism Read the rest of this entry »

Over at TBL there was some discussion about Rachel Ray that quickly boiled down to whether or not she’s bangable. To me…yea, I’d give her all sorts of business, there’s little I find sexier than a reasonably attractive, older woman who can make me some foot quickly. And, yes, I have become sexually aroused while watching 30 Minute Meals, because as you all probably know, Pastrami is the most sensual of the cured meats.

So, because the Indians are sucking ass on an epic scale, I not-so-proudly present my Guide to Sexxin’ Rachel Ray.

Ingredients: Food stuff, Ball gag (”Jihad” scarf, as the Boston newspapers like to call it, is a suitable replacement), Jimmy hat

The recipe (and potentially NSFW picture) after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »

If you start wondering in September when exactly the Mets woke up, this will be the night it happened. Sometimes, you can’t wait for the $14 million dollar player to step up and take charge. There are games where it’s the role players who are being carted off the field, Rudy style. Those role players shined last night not only in New York, but around the league. Our good friend Roman has been down in the dumps basically all season. Tonight, he decided to take a couple subways to Shea and catch the boys of summer. And it’s Roman… FTW!

Twinkies 9, Royals 8 (10 innings): Just when KC fans were about to celebrate the end of a 9 game skid, the Twins bats woke up. Down by 5 with 2 outs in the 9th, the Twins mounted a comeback, capped by Craig Monroe’s 3 run blast. In the 10th, it was Justin Morneau, FTW!

Mariners 1, Red Sox Zero: Wakefield’s knuckler dazzled the thirty thousand Seattle fans in attendance Wednesday night. But Eric Bedard’s stuff was way gooder. Bedard surrendered 2 hits and the bullpen shut down the vaunted Sox offense. Even though ManRam was unable to reach the 500 HR Club tonight, it was Yuniesky Betancourt who provided all of the offense with a 3rd inning blast.

Roman’s Game of the Night: Mets 7, Marlins 6 (12 innings) First it was Cody Ross FTW! Then Endy Chavez said fuck you, I’m not letting some Nickelodeon character beat us. Then Alfredo Amezaga laughed in Endy’s face, FTW! Then OMG, that’s Beltran Wright Fernando Tatis… FTW!

Bizarro Spencer’s game of the Night: Cubs 2, Dogers 1 (10 innings). Derek Lowe, looking for his first win in a month, pitched brilliantly (7IP 4H 0R 5K). But closer Takashi Saito blew it in the 9th, giving up the tying sac fly to Giovanni Soto. Joe Torre was so fed up, he decided to concede the game by pitching Chan Ho Park in extra innings. In the 10th, it was Alfonso Soriano, FTW!

Stigs Game of the Night: Brewers 1, Bravos Zilch. By looking at the box score, I can’t tell if this was a terrific pitching duel, or a hitting nightmare. Can’t it be both? Sure, why not. Suppan was Superb for the Brewers with 8 shutout innings. Jo Jo Reyes had 7 shut out frames until a Rickie Weeks three-bagger in the 8th gave Milwaukee the lead. For the save, in comes, ummm, Gagne Turnbow Salomon Torres? It’s a confirmed nightmare.

Hef’s game of the night: Phillies 6, Rockies 1. Dreamboat rocked a 3 run shot to break a 1-1 tie in the 5th inning to lead the Phils to a 6-1 victory. After the final out, I noticed Chase look directly at the camera, give a wink, and mouth the words “To Hef, For the Win”.

As promised in my pissed off ramblings on The Big Lead, I am not going to look at the future former Mets manager to be former just yet. Instead, I am going to look for ways to fix this team so our fearless leader can bring this franchise back to prominence. So today we continue the Major League Jerk mini-series “Fixing the Mets”. My promise is that this will be a reasonable effort to change things, not a ridiculous fan induced trade-o-rama that involve the Mets getting every All-Star available (or maybe not). So today I bring you part two: Trade ‘Em All

Yesterday, I looked at some quick internal fixes that would help fix the very complicated problem that is Willie Randolph’s New York Mets. Today, I am going to look for trades that will improve the team and change the culture. Some are easy. Some are hard. Some are slightly crazy. But overall all they make sense in their own way. With the emergence of hot shot 33 year old prospect Fernando Tatis, the pressure is off to fill the holes in the outfield or for a right handed presence in the lineup. Or the exact opposite that. This team could also use another starting pitcher and they really need an infusion of personality. My condition for the trades that I am about to present is they are doable and the players involved are in someway available. I used past trade talks and contract status as a guide. I also disregarded yesterdays changes if I felt a trade was doable. So without further ado, my asinine trade proposals that will piss most of you off.

Read the rest of this entry »

I hate the White Sox.  Hate them.  Actually, hate is a little underwhelming…I LOATHE the Chicago White Sox with every fiber of my being, from my toenails to the tips of my hair.  There’s a laundry list of things I can’t stand about them but I’m going to try and stay away from rambling and keep my thoughts organized.

Color Scheme:  Black and white?  Real fucking creative you assholes. 

Ozzie Guillen:  Now, I have no problem with people speaking freely as long as said person isn’t a retard in the figurative sense.  My problem with Ozzie Guillen is that, not only is he a retard, but he’s an obnoxious fuck who doesn’t know jack shit about baseball, thinks his shit doesn’t stink and is basically as fun to deal with as a tumor.  Hell, his one redeeming quality is that he’s embroiled in a public battle with Jay Mariotti…ugh…is there any way to get rid of both of them?

Now, Ozzie is rather harmless.  He’s not really tough or intimidating, he doesn’t really back up his talk, he doesn’t really do anything…other than annoy the living shit out of the baseball public.  In fact, the only reason he’s around is because 5 pitchers decided to all have career years at the same time…since then, he might be the worst in game manager in all of baseball and he obviously has no fucking idea what he’s doing.  And because he’s the filthiest, dirtiest asshole in MLB, the fact that he’s the head of the White Sox is a giant fucking skid mark on the organization.  How on God’s green earth can you honestly root for a team led by this asshole?  The answer: you’re an asshole for enabling them. Read the rest of this entry »

These are the hometown teams of 6 of our writers. I didn’t include the Red Sox or Yankees because they would run away with this poll. I can’t see anyone voting for the Brewers, but I didn’t want to hurt Stigs’ feelings. If they get the most votes, this will be a Traveshamockery. Please leave your filthy comments about the title in the comments.

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