Dr. Stella Handworker: So Joe…tell me about your relapse. Continue reading
[Scene: MLJ Headquarters: Conference Room which really just consists of a bunch of couches and 12 mini-fridges. On one couch sits Hef and Spence. Across from them sits Joe Flacco.]
…..
Spence: Joe? Continue reading
What a week for conceited douchebags! Where do I begin? Well, we can start with Urban Meyer. Apparently the minor league football world is abuzz that a football coach left ESPN to coach football. Not that I care. Spencer, Rex and NickP seem to give a shit so good for them. Continue reading
Our own InternJace is back with his annual QB rankings. He has his own ranking system, kind of like ESPN but his doesn’t account for stats or actual play. Continue reading
Every time I click on a forbes.com link, I have the same mindset. ”Maybe THIS is the time where forbes.com got their heads out of their asses and quit this whole slideshow bullshit.” Every. Single. Time.
And, likewise, every single time I click on the link and see that absolutely nothing has changed, I feel like a jackass. It’s like they’re laughing at me. ”AHAHAHAH…look who came back. The retard who thinks that we, FORBES, will change our ways to make our site more navigable and readable. What a fool.”
If it weren’t forbes.com and say, icanhazcheezburger.com or whatever, it wouldn’t be an issue because they’re not pretentious rich assholes. But forbes.com? Oh, they’re pretentious rich assholes. They’re going to make us click each and every one of those slides if we truly want that information, and God forbid that you want to go back and see a previous one…hope you remembered which slide it was.
And the whole time you get this sense that they’re not changing it for no other reason than to be known as those assholes that make internet navigating as difficult as possible. Nevermind that the site itself loads slower than shit or that you often have to resize the page just so you can find the ‘next’ button, the simple fact that their core method for delivering information is a fucking SLIDESHOW is the biggest problem.
There’s an adage that goes something like “a politician is someone who, upon seeing light at the end of the tunnel orders more tunnel,” and you can’t help but apply that quote to this awful, bullshit site for a shitty money magazine that’s probably written, published, read and marketed solely to rich, white assholes who fear change like it’s the fucking apocalypse.
Then again, it could just be a brilliant strategy that keeps people from actually reading the content…if the only emotion you feel after visiting forbes.com is pure, unadulterated rage, you probably won’t notice that the only difference between forbes.com and Bleacher Report is a quick run of spell check.
So, to summarize…fuck you forbes.com and the horse you rode in on.
We here at Major League Jerk have spent countless seconds discussing which Hall of Fames are truly Hall of Fame worthy and which belong on the 5th tier of the celestial pyramid by the gift shop and outside the family restroom. Below is our next inductee. Continue reading
Thank you, but shit, I didn’t miss staring out at you fat ugly fucks while I was gone.
It was a hard decision to come back, one I had to make with my family. Just kidding…you think I give a shit what my wife and idiot daughters think? ”Oh no, I’m going to turn down one of the highest profile jobs in the country because my wife doesn’t want to hire movers.”
/high fives Gene Smith
So I sat my family down and told it to them straight. ”We’re a family that goes hard. Fastest family in the country. If you have a 4.6 family, you’re going to have the opportunity to win football games. And I don’t care what you’ve done before, if you’re not the best mother or daughter for the job, you will be replaced. This family isn’t in the business of giving a shit about feelings.”
There have been a lot of discussions about my health, and I just want to take this opportunity to tell you I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. Ever. In life. In fact, I wasn’t even unhealthy to begin with…I just made that shit up because my recruits didn’t pan out and it was easier to let Addazio fall on the sword. Truth be told, I thought the Notre Dame job was mine when Brian Kelly killed that kid, but Ohio State’s money is just as green, amirite?
/high fives Gene Smith
I grew up idolizing Woody Hayes, watching Ohio State football, rooting for Ohio State football every day except for those 60 minutes in Glendale where I went all Sandusky on ‘em. But I’m not here because of football…I’m here to prove a point to my wife. Didn’t know Dr. Domestic Dishwasher could diagnose my condition from the kitchen…who’s healthy now bitch?
I’d like to thank Luke Fickell for keeping the seat warm and he’ll be on our staff in a senior role. He’ll play an important part in making sure that none of our kids open their fucking mouths about the envelopes of cash and free cars.
/high fives Gene Smith
Now, make no mistake, me getting hired isn’t about loyalty or state pride or dream jobs or any of that whimsical fairy tale bullshit…it’s about this God-damned arms race with the SEC. I wasn’t hired because I was born in the state, I was hired because I’m the best available football coach money can buy, who recruits like a fucking madman by one of the few athletic departments that can afford my salary.
I wasn’t enjoying college football when I left Florida 10 months ago. I didn’t like the environment. But now, it’s much better. How? Well because Miami and Penn State did shit that was so vile that it made Ohio State look like choir boys in comparison. Life’s all about striking while the iron’s hot. Go hard. 4.6 second football team.
I’m excited to get started coaching this football team. This is a perfect marriage and I know all about perfect marraiges, right honey?
/high fives Gene Smith
We here at Major League Jerk have spent countless seconds discussing which Hall of Fames are truly Hall of Fame worthy and which belong on the 5th tier of the celestial pyramid by the gift shop and outside the family restroom. Below is our first inductee. Continue reading
After another last minute win despite a horrific performance as Quarterback and team leader, we have finally been able to answer the most important question in sports right now: What if Tim Tebow were Mexican? Continue reading
