Weekly Power Rankings That Last Published In June

With only one month of regular season baseball left to go, I figured it was time to bore you all with some updated power rankings. It’s been two months since I last covered this, and in that time, MLB teams have played two months worth of baseball. I know, right? So without further ado, here’s a bunch of stupid comments about each baseball team.

NOTE: Today’s rankings are geographical beginning with teams that play their home games the furthest west. Please do not correct me if I’m wrong with any of them. The Braves and Reds were really hard to tell. Same with the Blue Jays and Marlins. Whatever. Leave me alone. Continue reading

Posted in MLB, MLB Power Rankings | 4 Comments

Lovie Smith Speaks, But Says Nothing

If you don’t mind, I’d like to rant about the Chicago Bears for a second. I know, we haven’t updated this site in almost a month, and to break the streak I’m going to talk about a shitty football team? Well kinda. Not exactly. Part of this rant goes out to the media as well. Yeah I know, the Chicago Bears and the media playing fish in my barrel. Whatever, I’m just riffing right now.

I was listening to Lovie Smith on the radio addressing the media following their first pre-season game last weekend, and I got to thinking, why does Lovie even have press conferences? He never says anything that we don’t already know from simply watching the game. Here’s a typical Lovie Smith press conference:

“We saw some things we liked out there. Other things we can obviously improve on. As for injuries, Major Wright had a finger, Caleb Hanie had a shoulder, and Craig Steltz had an ankle. We don’t know the severities, but they’re all being evaluated and hopefully they’ll be back on the football field soon.”

That’s it. That’s all he’ll say. He won’t discuss strategy and he won’t offer any inside information. Which of course is his right. He doesn’t have to tell me anything if he doesn’t want to. But I ask this in all seriousness and caps: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF HAVING A PRESS CONFERENCE THEN?!? Major Wright has a finger? Of course he does. Caleb Hanie hurt his shoulder? Yeah no shit, we were fucking watching. I had the game up on my television device. I saw the play. He was sandwiched between two guys and it looked like it hurt. Then he grabbed his shoulder. I assumed by his actions after the play that he, you know, hurt his fucking shoulder. So seriously, what’s the point of having Lovie Smith stand in front of a podium and tell us that…and nothing else? It’s all so stupid.

Bears fans have been watching this same routine since 2004. At what point does it end? I understand that Lovie doesn’t want to give up too much information and show his hand, but honestly, we’re talking about a football team that wins 7 games every year. We’re not talking about some great secret. So how ’bout we end this stupid routine where Lovie Smith has to talk to the media. It’s silly and pointless for everyone involved.

Okay, my rant is over. Got anything else you wanna talk about?

Posted in NFL | 8 Comments

MLJ Tobacco Hall of Fame

The Tyler Rose in an 80′s commercial for fucking Skoal.

Honestly, I had no idea Skoal, or any tobacco company, could advertise on TV at all.  I had never seen it.  Sure, I’d seen the Marlboro and Winston advertisements on scoreboards and NASCAR Cups and shit, but I had never seen a real, live television ad for one, let alone for fucking dip.

Welcome to the HOF, Earl.

Posted in Whatnot | 12 Comments

Metal Mursday

Aw hell yea…today is the day, my pretties.

Today, the 15th-est of July…I Dr. 096 will be attending the concert to end all concerts.  Dream Theater.  Iron Maiden.

You haven’t seen excited until you’ve felt how wet my panties are.  Actually, that’s really fucking creepy so lets move onto the metal, shall we?

I don’t think either band needs much of an introduction…well, Dream Theater might because they’re not really all that well known outside of the metal/prog rock/music nerd community.  Regardless, both bands kick all sorts of ass, and in honor of today’s impending metal meltdown, I offer you a slight glimpse of what I’ll be experiencing this evening.

Posted in Whatnot | 5 Comments

EXTRA! EXTRA!

Posted in MLB, NBA | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

George Steinbrenner Is Dead. Long Live Hank.

I am saddened by the death of that pardoned felon who paid a degenerate gambler to find dirt on his own player and lorded over a team that is the bane of my existence AND won 6 Championships in my lifetime. Rest in peace God’s Sweet Angel.

Posted in MLB | 1 Comment

Sing it Dino!

Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling, and you’ll sing Gallinari.
Hearts will play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay, like a gay Eddy Curry.

When the Knicks make you drool just like pasta fazool, that’s Amar’e
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet, Roma’n's in love…..

When you walk in a dream but you know you’re not dreamin’, signore’….
Scuse-a-me, but you see, back in old MSG, that’s Amar’e


Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dear NE Ohio,

Stop making me look like an ass, ok?

Stop acting like little fucking 13 year old girls who just got dumped, it’s fucking pathetic.  Grow a fucking set of nuts and get on with your lives because this is SOOOOOO fucking meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

Can I offer a suggestion?  Howabout, instead of putting all this effort into hating LeBron, we collectively put it towards making our city not a cesspool of rust and bad jokes?  Wouldn’t that MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF FUCKING SENSE?

Jesus tapdancing Christ, have some fucking perspective.  This is a guy who’s career, if he’s lucky, will last five to ten more years.  He’ll be lucky to walk without pain when he’s finished.  Point being…he wants his rings and it’s fucking batshit stupid to begrudge him for wanting it now, ok?

This isn’t like Art Modell moving the Browns…Art Modell was knee deep in our city’s legislature, trying to keep city improvements off the table and got a sin tax passed THE DAY BEFORE HE MOVED THE TEAM.  Art Modell is Judas…LeBron?  LeBron’s more like… Continue reading

Posted in NBA | 1 Comment

My Evening Plans

Ladies and gentlemen, let me share with you my plans for this evening.

After work, I’m going to hit golf balls because hitting golf balls is really, REALLY fun.  Plus, I’m actually improving, which makes hitting golf balls even funner.  Then, I’m probably going to find something to eat…maybe an Italian sub?  Maybe some Chinese?  Who knows?

When I finally get home, I’ll probably change before hitting the bong…or wait, should I hit the bong and then change?  Meh, it doesn’t matter…I could even make a clothes change sandwich on two slices of bong rip if I really wanted to, but you get the picture…there will be changing of the clothes and ripping of the bong.

After that, I’ll probably just play Modern Warfare 2 for like eight hours.

One thing I won’t do is engage in is watching anything with an ESPN logo in the lower left hand corner of the screen or click on any website that isn’t golfwrx.com.  It’s not because I’d be sad or angry, like I’ve said I would be before, it’s because I simply cannot stand such self flagellation.   Continue reading

Posted in NBA | 5 Comments

My All-Time Favorite Gunslingers

I was reading Joe Poz’s awesome piece on Bob Gibson today on the shitter and deeply wished I was around to watch him in his prime.  From what I can gather, Gibson had some of the sickest stuff, the meanest disposition and the will to win…but it was this quote that stuck with me…

So Bob Gibson looked bigger than 6-foot-1. Yes, by the numbers he only hit 10 or so batters a year, but those 10 never ever forgot. He threw his 95-mph fastball and savage slider by unfolding into a wind-up that screamed ancient violence — Bill James would say that Gibson “sort of looks like he is attempting to fly.” This was a wind-up without guile, it was all business, David used this wind-up when smiting Goliath. Yes, Gibson didn’t look like he was trying to strike out batter. He looked like he was trying to smite them.

“That’s a whole lot of (expletive),” Gibson says. “I wasn’t trying to intimidate anybody, are you kidding me? I was just trying to survive, man.”

Bob Gibson was a gunslinger, not because of the aforementioned stuff, but because he dared people to beat him, and MUCH more often than not, they failed.  It wasn’t that he was mean, it’s that he knew he was better and didn’t accept failure.  It wasn’t that he was the best, it’s that he knew how to play the game.  A gunslinger isn’t Brett fucking Favre, a dude who is careless and lucky, or Roger Clemens who’s aura is nothing more than beer muscles…it’s the display of supreme confidence, the visual affirmation of that oft-used quote, “he knew he was better, you knew he was better and he knew YOU knew he was better.”

In my opinion, the real gunslingers in sports are the guys who go out there and collect their scalps and move on with their business like it was a foregone conclusion.  It’s not confidence manifesting itself in an egosplosion like LeBron or Tiger or a supremely talented guy throwing caution to the wind like Favre or Phil Mickelson, no…a gunslinger is a supremely confident individual that garners nothing but the utmost respect from their peers, is unaffected by that respect, and only goes out there to make their opponent feel pain.

In my opinion (and experience…as I can only recall the guys I’ve seen), the ultimate gunslinger was Michael Jordan.  Forget all the commercials and shit, he was out there to win and carried himself as such.  In football, it was John Elway.  In baseball, Manny for hitting and Randy Johnson for pitching.  Yes, these guys are all-time greats, but that’s important, if you ask me…if you want to be a true gunslinger, you have to be great for a long ass time.

After the jump…my list. Continue reading

Posted in Whatnot | 7 Comments