Report: Yankees Targeting Everyone Who Played in the World Series

Citing a need to rejuvenate a team that missed the playoffs for the first time since 2008, the New York Yankees announced that they are targeting every member of the Boston Red Sox and St. Louis Cardinals this offseason as potential replacements for Derek Jeter, Vernon Wells, Ichiro Suzuki, Francisco Cervelli, Mark Teixeira, Alex Rodriguez, Eduardo Nunez, Jayson Nix, CC Sabathia, Brett Gardner, Alfonso Soriano, Ivan Nova, and many many others.

“Look, the Yankees have a reputation as being winners but winners win,” said NY cab driver, Kevin Cruz.  ”And since this collection of players didn’t win then they are obviously losers so we’re gonna rebuild.  That’s the Yankee way.” Continue reading

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Jay Cutler Finds Stolen Wallet, Searches For Owner

Bears quarterback Jay Cutler visits a local park near his house with his wife and young son on a regular basis, but they have never had an experience like the one they had Tuesday morning when they found a stolen wallet in the most unlikely of places.

“[My wife] Kristen and I saw this young man practically passed out on one of the park benches,” said Cutler, 30. “We didn’t recognize him, but he was pretty inebriated. I was able to reach into his back pocket and to my surprise, I found a wallet with all kinds of credit cards and even a bit of cash still inside.”

Cutler has since turned to Twitter and other social media to find the wallet’s rightful owner.

“There was a driver’s license inside and coincidentally, the owner actually looked a bit like the guy on the bench,” said Cutler. “I’m thinking that could have been the main reason he was targeted.”

If you have any information on the wallet’s rightful owner, Cutler asks that you reach out to him on twitter, or you can call Bears media relations.

“Look, we’re not looking for a reward or anything like that,” he said. “We just want the owner to get back what’s rightfully his and hopefully this will serve as some inspiration for our son one day.”

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Ray Lewis Admits It Wasn’t Really His House

BALTIMORE, MD – Former All Pro and recently retired linebacker Ray Lewis admitted on Sunday that a lot of what he screamed on the football field during his career were actually lies designed to encourage his teammates and intimidate his opponents.

“For example, I would scream ‘THIS IS MY HOUSE!!!! THIS IS MY HOUSE, BABY!!!’ But if I’m being honest about it now, it wasn’t really my house,” said Lewis. “I think it was privately owned by Steve Bisciotti. Still is, actually. Unless the state of Maryland owns it, I’m not really sure. You’d have to ask them. But it certainly wasn’t mine.”

Lewis joined ESPN as a weekly contributor for their NFL coverage prior to the season. This anecdote is one of many we have heard from Lewis now that he has been sitting on the other side of the table as a member of the sports media.

“Oftentimes I would even say it on the road,” added Lewis. “Ha, can you believe that? Saying ‘this is my house’ when we’re out on the road? I guess I can understand someone believing me when it’s a home game, but on the road? Come on, man, be real. Logistically it just made no sense.”

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Football Coach Surprised When Opponent Plays Local Kid With Down Syndrome

On Friday night, fans from both sides cheered as Petey Edwards, water boy for Simmons High School, entered the game late in the 4th quarter of his team’s blowout loss to Glenbrook. But those cheers suddenly turned to horror as Edwards was severely injured on the very first play after taking a vicious hit from a Glenbrook defensive lineman.

“I was surprised to see [Petey] come into the game,” said Glenbrook’s coach Bill “Smash” Lindberg. “We were already winning 62-0 at the time, and here they were bringing in this kid with Down Syndrome. I mean really, he had no business being out there. No business. It’s a shame this game had to end on such a downer. Ha, downer. Maybe don’t print that.”

Edwards was born 18 years ago, and doctors gave him little hope to walk or talk. But he defied those odds and to see him 18 years later, his parents could not have been more proud.

“We were excited that he was living out his year-long dream to put on pads,” said Edwards’ father Pete Sr. “He wanted nothing more than to feel like part of the team. Unfortunately he may never walk again.”

The irony of those words were not lost on anyone.

Glenbrook will play Stoneyville on Friday for the conference championship.

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The Day After…pt. 2

….. Continue reading

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The Day After

Dr. Stella Handworker:  So Joe…tell me about your relapse. Continue reading

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A Modest Proposal

[Scene: MLJ Headquarters: Conference Room which really just consists of a bunch of couches and 12 mini-fridges.  On one couch sits Hef and Spence.  Across from them sits Joe Flacco.]

…..

Spence: Joe? Continue reading

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Quality Start

What a week for conceited douchebags! Where do I begin? Well, we can start with Urban Meyer. Apparently the minor league football world is abuzz that a football coach left ESPN to coach football. Not that I care. Spencer, Rex and NickP seem to give a shit so good for them. Continue reading

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QB Rankings: 2011 Season!

Our own InternJace is back with his annual QB rankings. He has his own ranking system, kind of like ESPN but his doesn’t account for stats or actual play. Continue reading

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What is wrong with you, Forbes.com?

Every time I click on a forbes.com link, I have the same mindset.  ”Maybe THIS is the time where forbes.com got their heads out of their asses and quit this whole slideshow bullshit.”  Every.  Single.  Time.

And, likewise, every single time I click on the link and see that absolutely nothing has changed, I feel like a jackass.  It’s like they’re laughing at me.  ”AHAHAHAH…look who came back.  The retard who thinks that we, FORBES, will change our ways to make our site more navigable and readable.  What a fool.”

If it weren’t forbes.com and say, icanhazcheezburger.com or whatever, it wouldn’t be an issue because they’re not pretentious rich assholes.  But forbes.com?  Oh, they’re pretentious rich assholes.  They’re going to make us click each and every one of those slides if we truly want that information, and God forbid that you want to go back and see a previous one…hope you remembered which slide it was.

And the whole time you get this sense that they’re not changing it for no other reason than to be known as those assholes that make internet navigating as difficult as possible.  Nevermind that the site itself loads slower than shit or that you often have to resize the page just so you can find the ‘next’ button, the simple fact that their core method for delivering information is a fucking SLIDESHOW is the biggest problem.

There’s an adage that goes something like “a politician is someone who, upon seeing light at the end of the tunnel orders more tunnel,” and you can’t help but apply that quote to this awful, bullshit site for a shitty money magazine that’s probably written, published, read and marketed solely to rich, white assholes who fear change like it’s the fucking apocalypse.

Then again, it could just be a brilliant strategy that keeps people from actually reading the content…if the only emotion you feel after visiting forbes.com is pure, unadulterated rage, you probably won’t notice that the only difference between forbes.com and Bleacher Report is a quick run of spell check.

So, to summarize…fuck you forbes.com and the horse you rode in on.

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