Good evening, friends of excellence. It’s been a glorious fucking day here at the fifth greatest internet website the world has ever known.  Spence and I dropped truth bombs all over your retarded asses and you’re better people because of it.  You’re welcome.

I mentioned it on the bat phone but I think you all should be included in the conversation: today and tomorrow are two of my favorite sports days of the year. I don’t even care if I miss the rest of the tourney but today and tomorrow are so much fun that it’s hard to even compare it to the rest. It just feels so egalitarian: anyone can win and oftentimes anyone does win. Upsets and Cindarella stories and last second shots and buzzer beaters and playing with everything on the line…this is what sports is all about. Having said that, I decided to do no research in filling out my brackets this year and I went all chalk across the board. It’s a social experiment. Trust me, it’ll make more sense when I win that dick towel.

It’s Mursday, and it fell on a Thursday this week so let’s find out what’s on TV! METAL! Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t care if nobody else likes this segment, because I fucking love it.  It’s an excuse to spend all day looking and listening to metal I haven’t listened to in years.  And let me tell yall something…I missed metal, man.  I really did.  Sure, other shit is great, but there’s just this feeling you get with a fucking great metal song, this edge, this aggression…LeBron, I just want to fucking kill someone right now.

/finds someone to kill
//pusses out

Anyways, say I asked you to make up a great city name for a metal band.  Something like Transylrapeia or Thrashland or some equally corny shit like that.  Well, today’s band, Swedish imports In Flames started in Gothenburg.  Is that not perfect?  It is.  Anyways…In Flames is known for their hyper melodic style, immaculate drum work and growling vocals.  They were pioneers of the Swedish Melodic Metal movement and continue to rock to this day, though their heyday was most certainly in the late 90’s and early aughts.

Here’s “Jester Race,” from the album Jester Race.

I’m not going to post em all, and really, this is just a really long version of a filler post, but hey, it’s kinda interesting, right?  Not really?  Yea, I agree.  Whatever…you’ll be entertained for like 10 minutes or so.  ONWARD!

Tiger:Sent: 03:30 PM 08/29/2009:
Me to. I would wear you out

Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I have no idea. I would love to have the ability to make you sore

Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard

Tiger:Sent: 04″02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Tiger:Sent: 04″02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore

Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise

Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten

Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009:
I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth

Tiger:Sent: 05:18 PM 08/29/2009:
We will see how bad you want me

Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy

Tiger:Sent: 12:42 PM 09/08/2009:
I have to leave for an appearance at 430 but i will be back at 730 for dinner and lots of dessert with you. How about a quickie before i go:)

Tiger:Sent: 01:28 PM 09/08/2009:
Have you ever had a golden shower done to you

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don’t Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

Awesome.

Nothing To Click Here is the collective effort of the entire MLJ staff. These are just some of the things we come across in our daily reading. The links contained within are either extremely well-written, thought-provoking, funny, weird or simply awesome. If you have any suggestions please send them here.

A lot of talent at the Jacksonville Jaguars tryouts. Seriously, click this link. (Unathletic)

More great moments in unlicensed Pittsburgh Steelers merchandise. (PSaMP)

Last year it was sports movies, this year it’s sitcoms. Sitcomology! (Sparty and Friends)

Man rides ElliptiGo 500 miles to LA Marathon…what’s an ElipptiGO? (7IS)

Beware the Butler Peen Goblers in this year’s field of 64. (Paneech)

Seabrook slumps to ice after vicious hit by James Wisneiski. (MSF)

The MLJ Video of the Day brought to you by LittleBuddha is so anticlimactic. When I hear 100,000 paper airplanes are being thrown off a building I think my reaction would be similar.

After the jump, a pizza place I might go to just because I thought the name was clever. Read the rest of this entry »

…because he signed with them.  Get it?  They lost.

Yes the Arizona Cardinals now have another young Quarterback on their roster backing up their other young inexperienced QB on their roster (Anderson will be backed up by a different young, inexperienced QB on their roster).

Anderson, 26, agreed to a deal worth $7.25 million, of which $3.25 million will be guaranteed. If he reaches maximum performance bonuses, the deal could be worth in excess of $18 million.

I don’t know if anyone thought the Cardinals Offensive Line was amazing (they’re okay) because of Kurt Warner’s high completion rate and all around greatness but this signing and Matt Leinart taking snaps behind center, will expose them for the average unit that they are.  They say that a good O-line will make an average QB look good.  Well a great QB can also make an average O-line look good.  The thing about Warner that was so praiseworthy was that he always knew what he was going to do with the ball based on how the defense was lined up.  He had a quick release to go along with those smarts which means the O-line didn’t have to provide that extra second of protection that good lines are capable of providing. Read the rest of this entry »

Cliff Lee was suspended yesterday for the first five games of the season for going head hunting in a Spring Training game against the Diamondbacks earlier this week.

The incident occurred in the third inning of a game on Monday when Lee threw high and inside to backup Dbacks catcher Chris Snyder and then again threw right over his head.  Snyder took a few steps toward the mound and Lee was immediately ejected from the game.  Most believe that the head hunting was related both to the fact that Lee was getting lit up in the game by Arizona’s offense and also because Snyder and Lee collided at the plate in the previous half inning.

As always, Mark Reynolds said it best:

“If you’re going to hit somebody, just stay below the waist with it,” Diamondbacks third baseman Mark Reynolds said Monday. “Don’t headhunt or anything like that. It’s a bad reputation to have. It’s bush league. Stuff like that doesn’t need to happen anytime, especially in spring training.

Unlike most 5 game suspensions, this one actually carries some weight because it’s before the season even starts and will hold the ace out of the rotation until the suspension has lapsed.  During the season, a five game suspension is the equivalent of being pushed back one extra day. Read the rest of this entry »

Yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day, a day that celebrates the mass conversion of pagans to a more mainstream religion that utilizes hundreds of pagan rituals to make pagans feel more at home while persecuting other pagans.  There’s also something in there about driving all the snakes out of Ireland but I’m pretty sure that’s just a metaphor for Jews.  So anyway, yesterday was the day when everyone pretends to be Irish because it’s totally awesome to speak in a dialect that is unintelligible, having been derived from the drunken ramblings of asshole car bombers.  Oh yeah, and everyone got wicked fucking pissah because any holiday that invites thousands upon thousands of people who don’t normally drink away from their homes is awesome, especially if it’s in the middle of the work week and they have to drive afterwards.  I prefer to do my heavy drinking in the safety of my own home where I’m more likely to only hit my kids and not a cop.

Instead of going out to a bar, the wife and kids and I went to the zoo in the middle of the day and had a grand old time*  but every asshole and his mom was wearing a stupid green “Kiss Me I’m Irish” or “Luck of the Irish” or “Let’s Ignore the Fact that I Can’t Even Locate Ireland on the Map but It Doesn’t Matter Because I’m Irish” t-shirts.  According to most estimates I’ve seen, about 12% of the nation has Irish heritage but you never would have believed the number was that small if you happened upon the Phoenix Zoo yesterday.  I prayed for a Lion attack but apparently G-d’s Irish too.

There were some scores on last night.  Let’s explore them together: Read the rest of this entry »

What’s on tonight?

Texas @ Seattle 10pm MLBN

Chicago @ Anaheim 10pm NHLN

San Antonio @ Orlando 8pm ESPN

Milwaukee @ LA Clippers 1030pm ESPN

NIT – Weber State @ Cincy 7pm ESPN2

NIT – St Johns @ Memphis 9pm ESPN2 Read the rest of this entry »

According to rule 10.17 of the MLB rulebook, a Win will go to a starting pitcher whose team assumes a lead while such pitcher is in the game or during the inning on offense in which such pitcher is removed from the game and his team does not relinquish that lead. Such pitcher must complete either five innings of a game that lasts six or more innings on defense or four innings of a game that lasts five innings on defense.

So there you go. That’s a win. All those words up there. Who talks like that?

You know I can’t help but think that if they weren’t called Wins and Losses, the people who still use them would have moved on from them a long time ago right along with the rest of us. Instead, we hear people say things like, “the object of the game is to win, so give me a pitcher with the most wins over a pitcher with the highest C.L.A.P. any day,” or some shit like that. Which of course is silly because based on the definition I pasted up top, they’re a completely arbitrary set of rules that really have nothing to do with whether or not a pitcher’s team won or lost. If a Win was called by any other name, nobody would mention them. But since they were given a name that people associate with a team’s overall success, they’re still treated with high regard even though the rules given to a pitcher’s wins and losses do not equate evenly to a team’s wins and losses.

I don’t think we’ll ever convince the higher-ups to get rid of them completely because they’ve been counted for over a hundred years now. Plus the 300 benchmark for Wins is still pretty cool. So here’s what I propose: we change their names. And since I’m the person mentioning it, we’re naming it after me. From now on, a Win will be called a Happy and a Loss will be called a Sad.

Hey did you see that Jake Peavy is on his way to 20 Happys?

This could work*. Read the rest of this entry »

Well shit.

Cocaine generally clears the system in 3-5 days after limited use. (Heavy users could take 10-14 days.) After one-time use, a person usually tests positive for cocaine (or technically a metabolite of cocaine called benzoylecgonine) for only 2-3 days.

Washington took the unusual step of calling the commissioner’s office shortly after he was tested following the 2009 All-Star break to warn it that he might fail the test. Washington told the commissioner’s office and his Rangers bosses about his cocaine use before the test results were known, and the team decided not to fire him after the test did come back positive.

This was shocking.

My question is this…the dude’s not a player, he’s a coach.  So wouldn’t blow actually be considered a performance enhancer in this instance?  Increased concentration and a heightened sense of awareness?  Sounds like it could help a manager…just sayin’.