If you’ll allow me, I’d like to take a minute to praise my favorite sports blog. I’m talking about a sports blog that has devoted itself time and again to providing nothing but quality over and over and over again. A sports blog that would rather alienate even its most loyal readers by writing absolutely nothing of relevance on a day like today while the writers instead bickered in public about how gay a certain athlete is. A sports blog that consistently takes shots at its readership, mocks its sponsors, and invents lie after lie to support whatever ridiculous theory its pushing on a certain day. Ladies and gentleman, that sports blog…is us. That’s right. Major League Jerk is my favorite sports blog. Now, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Hef, way to pick the obvious one. MLJ is your favorite because it’s the best!” Gentle reader, no. I mean yes. You’re right. It was an obvious choice. I mean who else was I going to pick? A site that plans their posts in advance instead of waiting to the last minute which means that they’ll have nothing if they have to get work done at their paying job? Give me a break.

Hey what’s on TV tonight? Read the rest of this entry »

Nothing To Click Here is the collective effort of the entire MLJ staff. These are just some of the things we come across in our daily reading. The links contained within are either extremely well-written, thought-provoking, funny, weird or simply awesome. If you have any suggestions please send them here.

Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save (The Onion)

Volunteering to help out the Blue Jays lousy pitching. (Bugs and Cranks)

Better Act Fast If You Want Your Very Own ‘Coach Calipari’ Mustang. (No Guts No Glory)

School Prom in Mississippi cancelled because a lesbian wanted to bring a date. You stay classy Mississippi. (AZ Republic)

22 Coaches putting the MAD in March Madness. (Midwest Sports Fan)

TO and Randy Moss together on the Pats?  That’d be awesome…if it was 2007.  (Sparty and Hens)

Marion Jones signs with WNBA team. (With Leather)

After the jump, I know what I’m getting Rex for next year’s MLJ Christmas exchange.
Read the rest of this entry »

P.S. Someone please hook me up with those headphones. Thanks.

Good morning, friends of excellence, it is I your faithful leader once again dropping troof bombs all over the ignorant world of sports fandom. Here’s a couple to start the day off:

• Chris Bosh is a cyborg sent to the NBA to break Lebron’s knee in the one year where it looks like the Cavs might actually have a shot at the title. Keep an eye out for that later this month.
• Kobe didn’t actually rape that girl at first…until she threatened to explode a nuclear weapon in our nation’s capitol.  He’s a hero!
• The reason the Gilbert Arenas gun debacle was found out and prosecuted so quickly is because there’s an undercover FBI agent playing for the Wizards.  Gilbert won’t do any jail time though because they don’t want to out their source.

It feels good to get that off my chest.  I’ve been holding those in for awhile.  But onto the matter at hand: what am I supposed to talk about from last night?  March NBA games?  Pre-Tournament College basketball?  Why would I waste your time with such things?  Those games have literally no meaning whatsoever.  Instead I will talk about Read the rest of this entry »

I was walking home from the bar the other night. About an 8 out of 10 on the drunk scale. Wearing my earbuds for my imitation i-Pod and rockin out to some Pearl Jam, NIN and Days of the New. A couple people of another race walk by and bump my shoulder, rather non-chalantly. I refuse to even acknowledge, for fear I lose my teef and have to explain to friends that I write for a site called Mayor Weague Yerk. Anyhow, a few minutes go by, and out of the corner of my eye, I see some movement through the bushes. I remove an earbud, and hear some rustling. “Shit”, I think to myself. I gotta get moving. Cut through a couple houses, hop a fence or two (OK, I opened the gates rather quickly). Then I end up on a street I’m not familiar with. Walk through a hole in a fence and end up on the train tracks. Whew, I know where I am now. This is where the homeless defecate and have their Amazon orders sent (Free Wifi). I start to walk briskly when something jumps out and tackles me. We wrestle for a while [*perks*-Hef]. Finally, he gets the best of me. With my last breath, I squeak out, “What do you want from me?” He says… Read the rest of this entry »

BJ Upton…so good, so young.

He’s got a long ass chaw career ahead of him, that’s for sure.

(taken from front page of MLB section on SI.com)

After the jump…a future HOF’er in his prime. Read the rest of this entry »

Say you’re a whore and you’re thinking to yourself, “bitch, I wanna make some real fuckin’ money.”

Now, say there’s an upcoming event scheduled with people flocking in from all across the globe where a person of your line of work could potentially make a large sum of money.  But say this country was also home to 5.7 million people with AIDS.

Would England sending 42 million condoms to this country make you actually want to go?

Hmm…

What the hell is the matter with you that you need me to write up a reminder to sign up for the MLJ Bracket Challenge?  Are you stupid?  Is that the issue?  Or do you not like the opportunity to win free stuff that is at least partially related to the contest being entered?  Or is that you’re stupid?

Remember, all you have to do is win our bracket challenge and you’ll win a free, un-read, paperback copy of “When March Went Mad” and a free, unused dick towel from dicktowel.com.

You can sign up by clicking this link here.

Tell your friends. All of them. Especially the ones who have a big mouth but aren’t good at picking things correctly.  This will make your inevitable victory even more impressive because you’ll have won against a larger field.

Bud Selig commissioned a group of 14 to discuss on field matters a few months ago and one of the ideas that’s being considered is a floating divisional realignment to improve competitive balance, especially in the AL East.

As with most issues of competitive balance, floating realignment involves finding a work-around to the Boston-New York axis of power in the AL East. In the 15 seasons during which the wild-card system has been in use, the Red Sox and Yankees have accounted for 38 percent of all AL postseason berths. The league has never conducted playoffs without the Red Sox or Yankees since that format began — and in eight of those 15 years both teams made the playoffs. Since 2003 the Sox and Yankees have won at least 95 games 11 times in 14 combined seasons.

Okay, I’m with ya. Big market teams like the Yankees and Red Sox are dominating their division in a sport with no salary cap making it extremely difficult for any of the remaining 3 teams to even have a real shot at making the playoffs. This is a difficult problem to solve because any teams moved out of the division will be considered taking the easy way out and any team being moved in will be considered left for dead. Read the rest of this entry »

With the announcement of his retirement today, Major League Jerk has decided that from now on, March 10th will be known as Nomar Garciaparra Appreciation Day.  Every March 10th we will observe the following rituals:

1. We will shout Nomah! at the top of our lungs every half hour from 12 noon to 12 midnight.  Or until we get kicked out of our third bar (oh yeah, since it’s a National Holiday don’t go into work)
2. We will remember fondly the 2002 All-Star Game when Joe Torre brought 5 short stops and Nomar was clearly the best of the lot.  We will also smirk because Cap’n Jetes was the worst.
3. We will lament the string of lousy short stops in Boston since he was traded.  We will openly mock Julio Lugo.
4. We will openly weep at the fact that Nomar was not a part of the greatest comeback in the history of Major League Baseball and that he was not on the field when the team won the World Series in 2004.
5. We will take turns doing our best impression of his shimmy as he stepped in and out of the batters box 10-12 times per at bat.  Extra points if you wear batting gloves to the bar.

This truly is a sad day.  Nomar was my favorite player since he broke into the league in ‘97.  As many will attest I wear his replica jersey whenever we have an official MLJ function.  We’ll miss you Nomar and look forward to seeing you on Baseball Tonight. Read the rest of this entry »